Getting Older

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

 Sometimes I forget about it and sometimes I really feel it. In my body, I feel it. I remind myself I need to get out and walk and get active, but it is so easy to push away with day to day responsibilities. Since I started taking a statin for my cholesterol levels in January, fatigue has been plaguing me. This means, once I come home and am ready to be home-I droop. Like a wilting flower, every bit of strength floods out and my bed calls to me. It's a problem. 

However, I have to remember that in many aspects, I control my destiny. I remember that in the past, I had a cup of coffee in the afternoon to push on through the evening. I remember that the simple act of going out and taking a few steps down the road can make a difference and perk me up. It's funny, most of my life I was so embarrassed to be seen out-gasp!-exercising. And suddenly now, I just don't care. I don't care. I don't want to exercise, don't misunderstand, but I don't care about being seen. Which is also funny, because at 52, I can be quite invisible. Not totally invisible, these older men flirt too, but invisible to the majority of the population. It's okay, though. There comes a point when you don't just say you understand that your value is well beyond being seen, you actually feel it and know it in your bones. 

Sometimes I wish I had waited to get married, gotten the nose job and the boob job, and thrown a wider net out. But truthfully, it took so many decades to start unlearning the unhealthy lessons I had absorbed. I don't know that it would have made a difference. If we could be the we we are at midlife in our youth-what a gift that would be. 

My main struggle now? 

Career wise

    Part of me still feels as if I am not a legitimate teacher if I am not a regular education teacher. Now, I believe what I do matters. I like my students, I enjoy the rhythm of my day (but goodness, I wish we started an hour earlier and got out earlier). I like that I can wear jeans every day and can teach what I want. I don't mind doing restraints. In fact, it gives me a just a hint of dopamine every now and then that I crave. Don't get me wrong, I don't LIKE doing them. I don't LIKE my lessons being disrupted. I don't like dodging kicks and teeth. But I don't dread it either. The hardest part is seeing how much my paras hate it, and feeling like I am failing them when a student needs restrained. But back to the regular education thing. Having done it for two years, I can honestly say, neither is harder than the other. Regular education has it's own set of annoyances-strict adherence to curriculum, endless discussion with other stakeholders about tests scores, breaking down individual problems. Many students aren't interested in the subject matter. Crowd control. But it also has the ability to share stories more deeply about the world, the feeling of greater respect from coworkers and a little more recognition. I am not unhappy now, but I would like the ability to jump a little deeper sometimes. 

Relationship wise

    What relationship? Truthfully, I don't think single men exist after the age of 50. Where are they? I am not interested in bars. I am too shy for church, and my belief systems don't fit neatly in the box. It would be nice to have someone to do things with and talk with. But it is hard to imagine another adult in my house who isn't my children's parent. I don't know. I think it would add more stability to the boys' lives-if I didn't feel the need to work extra, if I had another adult helping out with chores. If I had another adult to lean on when things are stressful or something goes wrong. But...again, where are these nice, relaxed, intelligent, single men? I don't think they exist. Plus I don't know how to flirt and seal the deal. I get so shy. 

Life wise

    Gardening. I just don't have a green thumb. I am going to try container gardening this year. I am using bags. I'll let you know how it goes. I want abundant, colorful, rich and ripe vegetables so badly.

The fence should be fixed soon. That storm last summer really wrecked havoc on my yard. Also I am having the front door replaced, so I am excited about that. This door just needs to go. I WANT to repaint the entire exterior, but I can't afford a professional and frankly, hanging out on a ladder painting the second level sounds crazy and dangerous. I still need to replace one of the garage doors. I need the shed cleaned out and the shed roof needs repaired. And the door of the shed. I need someone with a chainsaw to trim up the bushes and small growing trees. I REALLY would like big backyard tree cut down, but the quotes were from $5000 to 6000 and I just don't have that right now. 

I am so thankful for my new to me car, but I look at it, and it is so not me. Actually size-wise, I guess it is like the Dodge Neon I had in Hawaii in the 90s. It's just a young feeling car. I visualize myself in something more substantial. Honestly, I'd like a minivan or third row SUV. I suppose with gas prices jumping it's better I don't have to deal with that. 

The state of the world? I don't know. I don't know what to do. There is only so much one person can do. Make their own corner the best they can. What's true and what isn't? I don't know. I do know the hateful words of our elected are painful, humiliating, and so far removed from what is good in the world, it is astounding at times. The lack of empathy, the lack of care from the public, is horrifying. People who consider themselves good, just keep spewing evil, and the world is sad. But we keep on. And there is the fear that perhaps I am blind to my own stumbles, but I try to be aware. I try.

I struggle when I am scared. When I think someone is thinking ill of me, when I can't control the narrative. I am learning to breathe it in and go with it, but the urge to self-protect is strong. There are different ways to work through it. Some people have the people skills to control the narrative, but I don't. My method has always been to just shut that person out and off, until I feel safe again. That's not really the way either, though. For me, with my skill set, I have to just go with it. I have to be my own anchor without closing off or getting nasty. I am a work in progress. Like all of us. I suppose. 

I had hoped this blog would be so much more-but we are who we are. 

Happy Sunday.

February is Hearts and Hope

 

Photo by Susan Holt Simpson on Unsplash

What else could it be? I have been very tired lately. The fatigue which used to plague me appears to have returned. I am not sure if it is the weather, the statin I started taking last month, or just a need to slow down and take it easy, but I have been dozing off on the couch while watching TV, not wanting to drive Doordash, and then, oddly, struggling to fall asleep once I make it up to my room. I guess I will just ride it out a bit. Maybe I need a few weeks to take it easy. 

    My house is a mess. The urge to find a new job is strong, but I am not sure why. I like my job. I love the kids. Sure I get bored, and the late hours suck (dismissal isn't until 4, which is AWFUL), but it works well for my family. I miss being off work by 2:45. Granted, I had to get there a lot earlier, but I am definitely putting in more time now. I am usually at work at least an hour before school starts. I just can't wait to get there until 8:30 contract, that seems crazy-late. I am happy that I am not tutoring. The money was nice, but I would hate to be there an extra hour and a half. The teachers seem  really nice and not as backstabbing and catty as some other schools, but maybe I just don't know them well enough.

     Maybe I need to start taking vitamin D again. I have stopped that. I also had a rare glass of wine last night. I have mostly lost my taste for alcohol, but thought it would be nice to have a glass last night. Perhaps that is why I feel so wiped out today. I stopped taking collagen for a month and the weird horizontal ridges have appeared on my thumbs again. Guess I need to restart that, too. 

    Tomorrow I am driving the 2.5 hours to take the boys to see their dad. I don't really feel like it. It's a long drive and boring and I have to drive home after. But, his parents help me out a lot, and I know they need to see their dad. I still look forward to when they can do this alone. I don't know that he will ever get out of his current group home. I feel for him-or the him he was 10 years ago, but the medicine is taking its toll on his body. I mourn for the past, but it wasn't all the great either. The times were hard then, too. I just have a knack for forgetting. 

    I have been very lonely this fall. For years, I was happy with the way things were and then suddenly, my singleness has been weighing on me. It's weird because frankly, I don't have the energy to mask my sloppy homemaking skills and sloth for a new person. Nor do I want someone as messy as me. I want someone who is a little more together, but doesn't mind my not being together. In a world that demands women be together, that seems unlikely. It's fine. It's probably just the cold weather. 

    So my life is the same old same old. Politics are exhausing, the world is sad, we are all hypocrites and I had to switch from generic zepbound to generic ozempic, and it doesn't work as well. So food noise is here, and I think about nachos a lot. Valentine boxes of candy are weighing on my mind as well

    Lately I am astounded by how smart and creative people around me are in their own way. The value of the adults I know extends beyond their beliefs, their education. They are just so capable is ways I cannot seem to manage. We are all so different and so worthy. 

    I wish I could put in a new tub and shower and bathroom vanities. I wish I could take the kids to England and Scotland and even New England. I was talking to someone about it, and they suggested and Alaskan cruise. I always wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise, but I really feel the need to visit Great Britain. I don't know why. Probably Netflix shows.

Is it naptime yet? I feel guilty for not working more.

It's Gotta Be the Weather, Right?

 Oh, grey day of my soul! Seriously, the world is dark and heavy. I don't mean in that in a "Oh, look at what the powers are doing now!" Not that that shouldn't be looked at-but this is a personal gloom I have entered in. It's been here a week or two and now it is heavy. First of all, I wrecked my car. I wrecked my car at a time when I have no personal savings. I wrecked my car that I am using to supplement my very needed income. 

I have not gotten an online job in a year and a half and it HURTS. First of all, the money, obviously. Secondly, I had been teaching math in my online classes, and I LOVED it. Third of all, it's just such a great and different way to interact with kids and their families. I am grieving it beyond the loss of income. It made me happy. So anyway, that is out of my hands, but I had grown dependent on the extra income. And they cut summer school back to one month rather than two a couple of years ago. Another knock to my single parent income. So delivering food had been my lifeline. Our, we can still be somewhat middle class, and make my kids lives fun and good, lifeline. And boom. Just like the embankment I drove down and up, I have slammed quite literally into a cement wall (okay, driveway ) and am without a way to earn extra income. 

I am going to be okay, I can juggle, I have some people, and worse case scenario, I can make some choices and do some stuff. Now, though. I am stuck in my house on a cold, cloudy day in January, and I don't know what to do with all this time. Gabe and Alec are napping, Liam is quiet in his room, and loneliness is seriously heavy today. It's kind of weird. I am such an introvert-this should be my dream day, and yet, I sit here feeling like I should be out making money and seeing people in the world. It's gross. I am having flashbacks to the first summer after my ex left (necessary and right for the situation), when I when I would get home from summer school, work on a project and just...be so lonely. I ache for younger kids, and I ache for my grown kids. Two teen boys and a on-the-cusp of nine year old boy aren't the best company for my feminine self. I know Tierney has plans tonight, or I would BEG her to come over. Taryn usually has lots to do, and frankly, I feel like I make her a little uncomfortable. She too is quite introverted, and we are an odd lot, the introverts. Besides, I don't want to ask someone to let me bring them down with me. I just ... will be happy when the sun comes out again. 

So I remind myself that these hard times are necessary. Necessary is a strong word-loaded with implications and beliefs which may or many not be true. Perhaps unavoidable is a better word. I guess knowing myself, I have always chosen necessary because I have bought into the idea that there is something more to life-some meaning, which requires our growth and change. So necessary is the idea that we have to weather the bad to stretch ourselves to become more. But on a grey day, it feels just a little unavoidable. Just bad luck that happened, and there is not choice but to deal with it. 

I should pick up a book. Of course, now that I don't have a car, I long to go to the library. Ha! I am pretty sure there is a stack of books for my class I need to pick up. Lots of snow and wintery stories for January. 

I should try and get my printer working and work on printing things for my class. 

Part of me wants to try and get a regular education job again. I like how challenging it is, and I like feeling like I am actually an important player in the school. The pride is strong in me. But, I also like what I do now. I like the kids, and the rhythm, and the freedom, and not having young people mutter things at me, and feeling like a complete failure. I like being left alone by admin.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel amazing, and I feel like I have a lot of learning and growth to do, but a good part of my job is patience and love, which comes easily to me with these kids. It's just very different. Also, when things aren't right, changing jobs is just a great way to throw everything up and let it all fall. What I mean is, it just shakes everything up and opens up new possibilities and opportunities, and experiences. It makes everything exciting again. 

I think I need to do more. I have been thinking about going to church again. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat it-my faith is not what it used to be. When I was young, people always commented on how strong my faith was, but it isn't now. I am full of doubts and questions. But what I long for is a group of people who believe there is good and believe they can be the good and who do something about it. I want to be a part of something. So please don't invite me to your conservative bible thumping church-I am happy you have a place to belong, but I don't belong there. But I think there is a place for me. I just need to put on my big girl panties and get myself out there. You know, once I have a car.

I am starting to feel a little better. First of all, my curtains are closed and I am in lamplight. It is making my bedroom feel creamy and warm and cozy. 

Maybe I will go watch a show. I tried earlier, but ended up just taking a nap. I am excited to go back to work on Monday. When I do have a car again, I might try and get a parttime job at a library. I think I would enjoy it, and I think I need more time with adults. On the other hand, maybe focusing a little more time at home with my boys is what I need. This mood will pass, right? It probably is just the weather.