A Little Late to the Game-The Five Love Languages

I know the picture is odd to this post, but we took it in South Dakota (with my daughter's superior camera) and it is just so peaceful.

 I know, I know. The book has been out forever. It is just so Mars and Venusy, I don't wanna be like everyone else and read the book. But I have been thinking of the miscommunications issues I have been having with my spouse and I thought, welp, I will give it a look.

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I just started thinking that maybe the way I was interacting isn't quite the what he was needing.

After taking a short quiz online, I discovered my number one love language was Acts of Service, followed by gift giving/receiving, followed by quality time. And that is true. I love it when my husband does something sweet for me. I love it when he runs a bath, or thinks up a solution to my problems (not always, sometimes, you just gotta listen to me whine), or buys me a little surprise gift. 

However, he might not feel the same. He hasn't taken the test yet, but I am predicting he will score high on words on affirmation and physical affection. Two areas I score really low on. I am curious to see what he scores, and will update this when I know for sure. 

I think however, it may explain why the things we do for each other aren't received like we think they will be. I look forward to finding out!

Update!!

So my original hypothesis was right. My husband's high scores were physical affection and words of affirmation. I guess it is true what they about men wanting to feel "respected." 

I think this is interesting, because the it gives us each insight into how to make the other feel loved. I feel like he should feel loved because I usually make (granted a mediocre and cheap-I'd rather spend my money elsewhere) dinner and do his laundry. But he'd rather snuggle and be thanked for the things he does and the work he does. Meanwhile being told I am amazing or do so much for the family, while nice from time to time, too often feels like groveling to me and makes me feel weird. Give me a bath, time alone, and some sushi, champagne, and chocolate if your goal is to make me feel special.

Which is also interesting. When I imagine love, I imagine the physical aspect and the amazing words. But when it comes to every day life, I want you to do things for me and buy me things. Ha! I don't know what that means!

Gaining Perspective Doesn't Mean a Painless Life

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Every now and then, after days of pondering I will have a new perspective shine a light on my thinking, a glorious A-Ha! moment. Gaining perspective, as I call it, feels wonderful, illuminates my struggles, and shows where the true beauty of whatever I am going through or struggling with lies. I think, however, sometimes I expect once I have gained perspective, or been enlightened, or woke up, the lessons will stay forever. But the world is dizzying and ever-present and always works to lull us back into an easy sleep. Being asleep is easy, but it is deceptive. Being asleep means accepting the status quo, following the lessons of anger and selfishness the world boldly suggests, and viewing everything through the tunnel vision someone else has planned out for you.

It is hard to stay woke, folks.

One of the problems I am struggling with though, is as I struggle to stay woke, I become so disenchanted, so disillusioned, when a struggle comes my way. 

"But, but..." I tend to sputter in disappointment. And oh! How disappointing the world can be. I created this blog to be  teacher and mentor, but have been quiet lately, because what I thought I would be doing: giving advice, and leading people spiritually, isn't who I am meant to be at all. I am not the woman who stands up with a clear path and says follow me. I don't even TRUST those people. I flounder. I fall. I cry bitter, disappointed tears into my pillow. I let people down. I get petty. I want what I want when I want it, and yet don't have the persuasive powers to get it. Who am I to lead? But slowly it dawned on me, leadership isn't always a "do this!" endeavor. Face it, only the weak like those kind of leaders. Sometimes,  we lead from the back of the room, quietly sharing our perspective. The truth is, I don't care so much if people follow my path. I care that they find their own path. I care that they ask themselves the difficult questions, and are able to be open, yet kindly, honest with themselves. And I care they make a life they are proud of, which fill their soul with a warm joy at the end.

I struggle with candor. Now, I am not going to lie and say I am always honest. I am learning, learning the value of a lie. But I tend to be open and honest as much as I can (except when I am nervously sputtering crap to throw IRL people off track), and you know what-it hurts people. It gets me in trouble. I know it is just childish naivete which thinks I should be admired for honesty, but I still think so. I have watched as people laid verbal traps for me, my gut screaming to shut up, but my head wanting to be open and honest falling in, anyway. I have watched the mirth spread across people's face as they put out the bait, knowing the idea of injustice towards them would get me stirred up and vocal, and then watched as they used it against me. I don't hate them. They seem so asleep.  Not to say I am not. I fall asleep with the rhythm of a magazine article, a misplaced pep talk. I am no better than them. 

My candor has hurt my husband. He is more from the camp of little white lies to avoid hurting people, and I am of the belief that if I can't be known for who I am, what is the whole point? We stand at this impasse, I longing for self-expression, and he whitewashing pain until it becomes unbearable and he explodes. Maybe we are both wrong. Maybe I should practice washing my words first and he should practice saying what he really thinks more. A well-constructed argument is better than an unhappy life.

And I have to remind myself that as long as I am breathing, I am going to mess up. I am going to say the wrong thing, or fail to act because I am overthinking, and someone will be hurt. I am going to be honest when I should have been wisely quiet. I am never going to attain the perfection I expect of myself. 

Gaining perspective doesn't mean a painless life. Asking God to guide your footsteps and lead you where you are intended, doesn't mean the valley of the shadow doesn't suck ass. Sorry. that isn't very ladylike. The thing is, my identity and self-worth is tied up in my career, and I don't like where I am. I think I am in a position where I need someone who is willing to help me and give me a hand to move on to a better fit, and I can't find that person. This causes me a lot of pain because I am extremely work-oriented. Having babies can distract from the disappointment and pain, but three kids is really my limit at one time. And I am 46.

 My life isn't painless. I am closing my online business and closing the door on all the unexpected dreams which arose from it. Reba McEntire songs are running through my head currently and unfortunately. 

So as I work to stay awake, to see life through the correct lens, I find myself staring at my mistakes, mouth gaping in horror.  The words I need to express to understand the problem are hurtful to others. And I don't know how to fix that without losing myself.

 

Quiet, unassuming, metallic: The taste of failure

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My body wants to fall into itself, curled on the floor, just resting. All the pressure of weight is falling on my spine and my eyes feel dry, yet teary and heavy. My hair is heavy in its boring daily ponytail.

I am going to close my online retail shop.
When I started I wanted to support my daughter, but being an all or nothing person, it wasn't long until I was all in. I put money in over the past year. I endured the humiliation of peddling to facebook friends, the anger of my husband over the money spent, and the entangling of my dreams with the outcome of the shop.

At first, I wanted a bit of money. Then I wanted enough money to quit my job. Oh, I would be classy about it. I would use my extra money to help support the school with air of benevolent superiority. I would open a brick and mortar store, and spend days decorating a shop and selling and budgeting and planning. I would eventually make enough to get "real" and hire buyers and creative people and plan my own line. I'd have China calling me. But alas, the realities of a flooded market, lack of investment capital, and just trying to figure out how things work have prevailed.

I will take my dull-tipped pencil and lightly add this to my list of failures.
My big failures...getting married when I didn't want to at age 19. My inability to choose a major until I ran out of choices. My fear of science, even though it is what I wanted to do. Too many hours reading on my bed which should have been spent building a community for my children. Shyness. Extreme introversion. My inability to get a regular education job. My inability to get any other teaching job. It doesn't matter if I would be happier or not. What matters is facing the challenge and winning. And I am not. And now, so much money later-so much money I could have had a kickass wardrobe-or a trip for two to Europe-I could have SEEN those Swiss Alps, and I have to just stop.

There is a current order out. An order which I will lose about $3 on once I ship it. My business requires orders of about 4 items to profit (or 4 items combined from different customers).  If my discount sales of desperation would have drawn people in, I could have made something, but they never did.

I am unsure how to view myself at this point. I mean, it's a totally flooded market, and I knew that going in. But when I see other people who are successful, I just want to be petty. But that's silly. If one believes in destiny, then one has to learn to breathe and let go.

But the joy I found in hours and hours of choosing and planning and hoping are going to be big empty spaces in my day.

But truly any feeling is a little delicious, isn't it? Just something to experience and ponder.

And happiness...Happiness is a steaming cup of strong coffee in a darkened room at 5:08 a.m. Happiness is a deep bath with a candle burning and something interesting to read. Happiness is the dimple in Alec's right cheek, a clever thought of Liam's, a spiritual lesson from Gabe. So I'll drink that coffee and wash down the taste of failure. I will run that bath and let the tears fall as they will. I'll drink in the spunky, snotty, sweet souls, wild and untamed as my children tend to be, and just wait for the next idea. It will come. And I will jump.

Traveling During Covid-19: How We Chose to Safely Roadtrip

My Idea of a Vacation

One of my absolute favorite things to do is to leave this state and go "on vacation." Now my vacations tend to be short and sweet and busy. While lying on a tropical beach with a cool drink in my hand and just napping to the sound of the waves sounds incredible, when I bring three boys with me, that isn't going to happen.


How to Travel with Children

Note: I absolutely recommend inexpensive handheld gaming systems which run on batteries. They aren't fancy pants systems, but if your child isn't too into the world of more sophisticateds systems, they will eat away at some of that boring ride time.
This affiliate link is similar to what my boys get to play with on car trips:

South Dakota or Bust

So on a whim, because time was passing quickly and I needed to keep spending to a minimum, one of my daughters and I took my boys up to South Dakota to sightsee. This was THE perfect social distancing vacation. For one thing, there aren't that many people in South Dakota! The only time we ran into crowds was at Mt. Rushmore and even there, everyone clumped in their own little groups.
Driving through the Black Hills and Custer State Park was a pretty solitary adventure, as was the Badlands.

Cleaniness in the time of Covid-19

Although using public restrooms is a necessity when traveling some thorough handwashing and hand-sanitizing had us car ready. Keep a box of disinfectant wipes in the car, and you can wipe down handles, steering wheels, and oft-touched surfaces on a regular basis and keep it safe and as germ-free as possible. Now, I didn't have the wipes and periodically poured hand sanitizer on a napkin and wiped down surfaces. It is also recommended to wipe surfaces in your hotel upon arrival.
I definitely recommended stocking up on spray hand-sanitizer to keep in your car!
This affiliate link will have you stocked for months!

Making Memories

We spent three and a half days in the car. While I wouldn't call having three young boys in the back of a sedan relaxing (or quiet-they fight!), we saw some amazing sights and in the end, that is what we will remember.

I will remember the fresh pine and the towering rocks along Needles Highway in the Black Forest. Custer National Park was worth the $20 per car entrance fee to see the wildlife and wide open spaces. My boys were SO excited to see buffalo and they chased prairie dogs across a section of the park.

The Badlands were simply spectacular. As the quiet warm wind whipped around us, I tried to imagine what it must have been like for the early pioneers traveling by ox and wagon across that desolate landscape. What did they think and feel? Were they in awe or overwhelmed? We went to the Badlands on Memorial Day and the $30 fee was waived, I assume due to the holiday. But how amazing! We spent 3 hours in the park driving, hiking a little, climbing some simple hills. It would absolutely have been worth the money.

One of the scariest parts of the trip was when we were two hours outside of Rapid City on our way there. A huge thunderstorm had been lighting up the sky for awhile and we drove right into. Lights flashed all around us, nickel (and up to quarter) sized hail fell around us, and we slowed down but kept driving. We saw very few people on this stretch of the highway on a Saturday night. Strangely, we didn't hear any thunder. Eventually we got through the storm and arrived late to our hotel in Hill City.

The worst part of the trip was an encounter with bedbugs at the dive hotel we stayed in a barely there town in Northwest Missouri on our way home. I felt too tired to continue driving so I stopped at questionable Super 8, and unfortunately, after a couple of hours, my daughter awoke me with bites across her face and back. Thankfully, we hadn't brought much inside and just shook out what we wore and hit the road. Everything was quickly washed and dried once we got home a few hours later.

If I had to do it over again, I would add one day of planning in and get a cooler full of fresh foods. Even kids burn out on McDonald's and gas station food after awhile. Also, we learned my 3 year old gets carsick, and Benadryl does appear to help some with that. I would stock up on the medicine before we hit the hills next time.

Self-Quarantine after the Trip

How to self-quarantine

Overall, though I felt it was the refreshment my soul needed before starting the online classes I am teaching this summer. Seeing new places (well, I had been there before, but it had been 15 years), and just breathing in the air of "elsewhere" was soul-lifting. While we are now 9 days of mostly isolation, and I know the boys are dying to play with the neighbors after the next six days, it was well worth it.

Just Do It!

Depending on which area of the country you live, it is likely there is somewhere beautiful within a day's drive from you. If you can swing a short mini-vacay (or even just a day trip), I highly recommended getting out and doing it, especially those of you who are still working from home like me. With a few precautions you can remain safe and still make some memories!

What about you?

Are you planning a trip this summer? How do you plan to keep safe if so, and if not, what are your plans for beating those summer blues? I would love it if you'd drop me a line and let me know what you think.

Tip:

I always pack a jacket or sweater when I travel because you never know what surprises Mother Nature will throw at you. While I wore a hunter green light field jacket, this cute vest would be perfect for chilly mountainside memories in the mid-summer!

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Reading Outlander

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Does your heart just long to curl up on the sofa on a rainy day. Just the image of a steaming cup, a stack of books, and a cozy blanket calls out to me.

Reality Bites

Okay, not really. But even though I am on the little velvety loveseat and rain is drip-dripping down, I am not really curled up in bliss. 

My three-year-old is playing nearing me and gets up every now and then to tell me to put whatever I am doing down and basically focus on him. He is currently talking to himself. About 1/2 the words are intelligible at this point. 

The Coronavirus rages on, and although people have started returning to business as usual, summer school is all-online. This is very painful for those of us who have come to rely on teaching a session or two of summer school to help pay the bills. While I was told I was given a tentative contract for an online class, whether or not it happens is dependent on how many students sign up. My short-term plans for summer school money is to pay for childcare for the young one next year, but in the future I have plans of vacations and remodeling with the money. If teaching summer school is not an option my plans for luxuries and nicer experiences are limited. However, the bonus is, I am not as tied to this district I am in if summer school isn't an option. I would feel more open to explore positions elsewhere. Of course,  many people are still unemployed so I am thankful to be employed. 

But I Digress

What is lost in income and opportunity is made up in time. It is nice to know I have nowhere to go when I didn't sleep well last night. I slept down on the family room couch which is lumpy and sinks and is almost beyond decency. Being able to not stress about going to work and being friendly is a definite bonus. 

Which brings me to books. As a child I read so much fiction, but as I have gotten older, I have found myself reading more and more nonfiction. Some of it is loftier-theories and spirituality-and some of it is basic-fashion and budgeting.  

However, I have found that nothing enhances living like reading through a well-written and touching novel. When we throw ourselves into the shoes of characters, we become different people for awhile. We experience new places and new circumstances in a way which can truly stir the heart and mind. 

What I am reading now

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I have started reading the Outlander series again. I began the book a couple years ago but put it down due to being really irritated at certain aspects of the book. However, boredom led me to pick it up again. Although there are more than 4 books now, I purchased this first four book set to get started (another reason I need to continue reading).

I am starting to enjoy it again. I can't say it is the best thing I have ever read, but it is "taking me away" on a much-needed mind vacation. The romantic setting is perfect for these weary gray days which have been lingering here in my area.

I would recommend this series if you are looking for romance that isn't too deep. Nothing about the books so far screams deep intellectualism, however, they are nice escape from the realities of the world right now and a great way to take a mind vacation. And who doesn't fancy a highland fling with a romantic, sexy Scot?:)

Reading Choose Love by Stormie Omartian and other books

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I am down to the bottom of my book stack, although I have multiple ebooks awaiting me. I am currently reading Choose Love, by Stormie Omartian.
Note: This blog post contains affiliate links.

Choose Love

I feel like this book is for someone with little to no understanding of God, self, and their place in this world. It begins with helping the reader to see their value in God's eyes and the how loved we are by God. Then it goes through the whole conversion spiel, followed by what  it looks like to love God. Most importantly, it stresses the importance of reading scripture and tucking it away in our heart.

It's not a bad book. It just isn't quite what I am looking for at this time. It is an old story, and I dream of a new story. However, in no way is it a bad story. The book is fairly well written and I enjoyed the bits of bible text-though I was raised on King James Version and this new clear language doesn't feel very spiritual to me. What frustrated me is the gushing language. I am not a huge fan of gushing and her language was gushy. I feel like she would have held the book Redeeming Love close to her heart, tears in her eyes, and told her friends what a great book it was (it wasn't).

What I am struggling with

I realize I feel a bit antagonistic towards this book, especially since it wasn't the weakest book I have read in the past month by far. If you are looking for a traditional Christian book about living, this book will fit the bill. I think what is bothering me, is how she starts off the book with feeling unloved and feeling guilt. I just don't feel those very much anymore. Maybe in my 20s and early 30s, but for the most part, it is very clear I have been fortunate and loved. I can't relate to the need to be broken in order to become more with God. That doesn't mean I HAVEN'T been there. It means I am not there now. I want something deeper. This is a book for new Christian recruits, I felt.


So the funniest thing just happened. I was typing the previous paragraph, and the floor lamp beside me, flickered and went off for about 3-4 seconds, then came back on, as I was trying to decide what to do. Nope. Not creepy at all.

Signs

Signs, signs, everywhere signs. Except not. The book I read a few weeks ago  E cubed

suggested you could play with the Universe (aka, God) to get signs to let you know you are not alone. The Universe would be happy to oblige. The audiobook I was listening to, Signs,  suggested more of the same.

Except that it didn't work. So I have a few theories on why all these people are gushing over signs, and the boys woke me up at four a.m., so I might as well share. First, maybe it is just a big load of bull, and hopeful people are seeing what they want to see. Or maybe, the "signs" aren't really God or a loved one, but something more sinister (you can take girl out of church, but you can't take early church teaching out of the girl). Or on the same vein, maybe God is protecting me from seeing "signs", because it is unnecessary, perhaps sinister, and not how I should be using my time.

I don't know. All I know is I didn't get my signs. Well, lemons, but lemons are a thing lately, so not too meaningful.

I am rambling a lot. I got less than 4 hours of sleep and of course, it is the busiest day of my week coming up.

How Using a Mantra Helps Me

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Why a mantra?

Do you have a mantra? I have been using them pretty often this year to direct my thoughts and calm my spirit.
When I first heard the term "mantra" years ago, it seemed like this weird, new-agey thing, that you just had to be Californian, named Chloe or Zoe, and sit around in long flowy dresses, or yoga pants being zen. Not me, for sure. But I still used them over the years, from time to time, and since last fall have been using them much more frequently.

What is a mantra?

man·tra

/ˈmantrə/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. 1.

   (originally in Hinduism and Buddhism) a word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation.
2. 2.

   a statement or slogan repeated frequently.

   "the environmental mantra that energy has for too long been too cheap"

~From Oxford

Now, to me, of course the first one would be used in meditation. I have been known to use those occasionally, because the mind loves to wander. But in this case, I am talking about the second. I use mantras to calm my spirit when I feel it bubbling over (in a not-so-positive way). For example, "All is Well," is very helpful when I feel anxiety starting to build. "God is in control," is another simple phrase which helps me regulate anxiety. 

I have a headful of dreams I want to accomplish and often feel I am spinning my wheels and never getting there. Since I put hours and hours of work into my business and blog, I find it frustrating to not be getting where I want to be. Most of my reading suggests I need to just lay off a bit with the stress and worry. "Ask and ye shall receive." "Let the Universe know what you want, and then sit back and listen." These are the ideas floating around which I hear often. 

Now, there are conflicted opinions on what this means. Some people say to be very specific  about what you want, then sit back and watch and wait. Others say, "Well, God didn't just make this whole Universe so he can hand you a fancy mansion." Okay, they probably do, I made up that particular awkward sentence. So I think the truth lies somewhere in between. You need to be communicating with God in order to get the guidance to go where you need to go. Once you have talked to God, poured your heart out, let you wishes be known, then you can sit back and watch the events unfold. The thing is, they don't always unfold exactly the way you want them to. Perhaps you are praying for a fancy sports car. You may find yourself placed in a situation where that does indeed happen for you. Alternately, you may find your own self and heart being changed by a chain of events which makes that sports car no longer so very desirable. It's okay to want and expect things, but one needs to be open to growth and possibilities which were never imagained. 

What this leads me to, when I am feeling so frustrated with my lack of worldly success (although, goodness knows I have plenty and more! I have been very blessed), when I feel I am losing focus, and wonder why I keep spinning my wheels and sharing these thoughts, which are so embarrassing to share, I find the simple morning mantra, "Show me the way," to be helpful and calming.

"Show me the way," acknowledges there is a plan, there is a path, which leads to greater things and fulfilling destinies. It acknowledges I want guidance from God to get to get there. These simple words acknowledge my strong desire to do and create more in a powerful way. And they help me to feel peace and trust that help is coming.

For me, choosing a daily mantra, is like choosing an ongoing prayer in a sentence which I want to communicate it with God. Sometimes it is a simple affirmation to soothe my nerves, but often is a prayer, asking for guidance. When I feel confusion or anxiety or concern rising, I can simple take to prayer with my simple phrase, "Show me the way."

And once I let go out of the desire for a specific outcome, and realize this help may lead me down paths I never imagined, I can go forth with peace and joy that God will guide my heart towards the highest path of growth.

Finding your Mantra

If you are interesting in find your own mantra, a simple web search should lead you to a variety of sites with advice.

This one on Oprah.com explains how to choose  a mantra which is personally meaningful to you. 

What is Your Personal Mantra is a site which has a fun quiz. Although the pictures are no longer the working, the quiz still does-you will just have to read the explanation below where the picture should have been to read the "advice."

If you are trying to choose a mantra to supplement your yoga practice here are some ideas:

13 Major Yoga Mantras to Memorize