So THAT was Christmas-and the Year in Review. Sort of

Photo by Navi on Unsplash

 Howdy Ho! It is I, Jill, who waddles in with chocolate stained lips from the land of Holiday eating. Too much sugar in my body.

One day remains in the holiday break and I must say, it's been...meh. Now I know I have a propensity to be a whiner, but my gosh what a waste of the days. I had these plans to organize my house, organize and plan my life, become a better person through the power of thinking and action, and yet here we are. It didn't help that I had to uber my butt off (but don't worry, I ate it right back on with sweets); I feel all I have been doing is working. I am so sick of working. I am on the verge of selling my house just to get out of debt. I might even take a cash offer if it was good enough. I don't know how I can fix it up while I am living here. I messaged some online places, but of course they want to talk to me on the phone and I am just not  there yet. Why can't everything be virtual? Obviously the wise thing to do would be to hold onto my house, but I am SO SICK OF WORKING ALL THE TIME. It's unlikely a cash offer would be enough anyway. I really want to walk away with at least 180 minimum. Zillow says 259, but Zillow is inflated and the house needs work. So it would be better to slowly work on fixing it up I guess. Sigh. 

Aside from a brief week or two, it never really felt Christmassy. I didn't do my annual reading of Anne's House of Dreams, because I read it this summer, but somehow the holiday feels incomplete without Anne, Leslie (My favorite), Captain Jim, and Miss Cornelia. 

So many thoughts are rushing around and I am constantly changing my mind. I guess there comes a point where you have to tell your brain to shut the h-e-double hockey sticks up because otherwise it will just keep running in circles. Does everyone do this? Cycle through thoughts and emotions repetitively?

Anyway, I have had some disappointing insight and I am not happy with what I have come up with. I don't want to share it with you all, because it is the worst of the worst, no-some things are a little worse, but it's not good, my self-diagnosis. However, a label doesn't mean change is impossible, and so I am planning that out as we speak. Interesting the changes I have in mind have to do with grasping more stability and less change. I am SO afraid of being trapped in one life, I think from getting married so young (and did you know that people who have the responsibility of watching their siblings young often struggle with going on to "grow up" too soon, which actually can stunt their overall development? I think I read that. I might have made it up. Anyway, I am not placing blame, we all do the best we can  and sometimes people need more help, but I think I was always so busy taking care of little people I never stopped to really figure myself out. We have the things we like as youngsters, but it takes time and experience in the real world to learn how you really fit in. And I think I missed that. Add to that my tendency towards magical thinking and is it a wonder I am still so wobbly?

Anyway going around in circles in my mind is useless. I have to get to the point where I can commit to a decision. Because my lack of commitment is really screwing up my life. I find myself saying stupid things and its no wonder people don't believe in me. I don't know what I want. And I am too old to not know what I want. The quiet simple life I thought I wanted is boring me to death. I wanted to be a homesteader. I don't even like to garden. 

And feelings. I don't recall anyone ever talking to me about how to handle my feelings. I neglected this with my older kids, too. It just never occurred to me this might need to happen. The Gen X neglect is strong in me. Noone told me how to handle dating, how to break up with someone, how to deal with strong negativity. Maybe noone talks about these things? I don't know. All I know is I grew up with this strong feeling I shouldn't hurt anyone, but managing to do it anyway. Why were my parents okay with me dating someone with bipolar. I mean, I was an adult when I met Karl, but I feel like someone should have warned me. Someone should have been looking out for me instead of setting me up. Maybe not. Maybe I would have done what I wanted to do anyway. 

And then I have this crazy fragile self-esteem. It's absurd. I am too old to be so adolescent. 

So anyway, I think I need to build up this framework for myself, but I am afraid that under stress, it is always going to fall. I am afraid I will always have to keep putting myself back together again, and I am tired of it. But we do what we gotta do. I just wish I'd find the glue that would stick.

Anyway, the year has been okay. Work is fine, except I am not doing a great job, and that is painful. I was driving around working today, thinking about what I could do teach slope better next year, and then I remembered, I don't get to teach it next year. And I was a little bummed. But it will be okay. I will just do the best I can this year, and then see what the next experience will be like. I am sad. I am embarrassed. But I will be okay. 

Alec is on the verge of losing his first front tooth, and his baby face will be gone. It's been a hard year really. Gabe is twelve now and changing, and the sweetness is not so evident now. Liam is struggling with balancing school, extra curriculars, and phone addiction. 

I am dying to travel so badly it almost hurts. Sometimes I feel like I am only truly alive when I am out of Missouri. I cannot believe I am trapped in Missouri. 

I have developed a bit of an affinity for TikTok. I delete it every couple of weeks because it interferes with my sleeping and with my love for conspiracy theories it really isn't good for me, but I always go crawling back. It's so entertaining. 

This time last year I was OBSESSED with Call Me By Your Name. I have watched it too much now and can't bear it. Also I feel a little annoyed with the age gap between the guys. It has bothered me more over time. It feels a little ick. I have watched Heartstopper enough, too. But if you like gay guys, good gosh, if you haven't seen Red, White, and Royal Blue (and who hasn't?) you really are missing out. They have great chemistry, IMO. 

So yeah, just waiting on my next strong interest to hit. Any day now...Would be nice.

In this upcoming year, I hope to approach life with a little more grace. I hope to dig a little deeper into myself and figuring out what I want as opposed to what I think should I want. I hope to provide the steady grounding I crave. I hope to bounce quicker and less publicly from disappointments. I hope to become better at discerning who is trustworthy, without being paranoid and unfriendly when I don't trust someone. I hope to figure out my bills so either I don't have to move or if I do, I have minimal contact with strangers and business deals because it is SO uncomfortable.

I hope to buy less brand new. More thrifting. I want to be less conscious of brands and labels and not care what others think. I want to be more open-but truly open, not silly, deflective open.

Happy New Year.

I'm the Problem, It's Me

   

Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash

I WISH I were soaking up the sun.

  I took a few UberEats calls after an early morning wake-up, but suddenly everything coming up on the screen seemed a bit too much. I noticed as I was driving a slight ache in my throat and an ache in my lower back. I was struck with a sudden bad cold last week which only was really bad for a day or two, but I don't see how I could possible be sick again. I have had the flu shot, so hopefully whatever it is will be mild and pass quickly. I will go back out and work some later. Right now I just had to get back and bed and snuggle myself a bit.

Identity

    I have been thinking a lot about identity. Why some people just seem to be so sure of who they are and so focused on what they do. Others of us flounder about trying to catch that one perfect sign that says, "This is you. This is what you are to do." And when we find that sign we still doubt it and keep on searching. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't certainty, but rather the choice to focus. Maybe it isn't a feeling, but a thought process. Maybe chasing feelings is futile because they always change. But thoughts can change, too. I don't know. Why are some people so sure and others are never settled?

    Sometimes I become devastated when I get a glimpse into how others see me. I feel as if  see myself much more positively than other people view me. I feel as if I have more faith in me than others. Of course, I also know others only get glimpses of me, and I am bad about making silly statements to throw people off-often without realizing I am doing it. It just comes out. So they make judgements based on half-truths-that aren't exactly intended to be lies-just to buy my feelings and core a little privacy and space. But I think ultimately, although I view myself fairly positively, a part of me is afraid that the others are right and I am wrong. And it isn't that they don't think I am great, it is that maybe deep inside I am afraid I am not. And when that is reflected in others, it makes me doubt. 

    Choices or the Illusion of Them

Okay. The day has passed. I took a Tylenol and felt better. Illness solved. But the gray skies have been weighing on my soul and I am so sad that I feel the new principal is giving up on me. I wanted to leave sped because of the boredom and isolation and I know I have been holding back as a team member because I was so afraid after trying for SO long to get a regular ed job that someone would point me out and say, "Hold up! You don't belong here." And now I feel that that has happened. And I know it isn't just about me. It isn't about my feelings at all. And it shouldn't be. It's about getting good test scores, good education, and low discipline referrals. I just feel hurt that everyone is giving up on me too soon. And while I might enjoy teaching FACS, as a related arts teacher, I will HAVE NO TEAM. I WILL BE MORE ISOLATED than I ever was in SPED. I am so lonely now I can hardly breathe sometimes (but again it might just be the gray weather and winter break), how will I bear it?  So I think I could go back to sped, as long as I am in a decent size school, particularly secondary, I should have coworkers, but with all the talk about dissolving the department of education, this puts sped jobs in a risky place. Maybe teaching 27 kids at once IS too much for me. But I CAN teach small group. I love having 10 to 15 kids. But obviously, I want to be wise. I don't want to have an emotional kneejerk reaction and not choose carefully. I hate that all this weight falls on my shoulders. I feel I can't afford to screw up. And don't tell me I need a man. I always attract men who lean very heavily on me and do not make me feel secure. Maybe I should date a woman. Women tend to be stronger. Eh, I wouldn't really know what to do with a woman. I like those manly arms. Sigh. Anyway, I guess I can make the most of this semester I have left. I wish I had gotten an online job so I didn't have to uber so much. I would have more time to work on my classes. I am feeling a little loserish all around lately. But it's okay. It's me. I don't commit 100% then I wonder why people aren't loyal to me. Thank god for red wine. But I only have the one cup, sadly. I need to plan a game night. I can't take this constantly being with my own thoughts.

Happy Friday night!

I just love Harry Styles voice.