Sunday, September 13, 2020
Fragility
It's funny how the spirit soars, the animal body stands erect, and good moods prevail...only to slowly deflate as the weeks wear on. Last week, I was on top of the world, I loved everyone, and felt confident in all that I did. This week, though, I have felt myself falling slowly. Just a downward float back into the land of insecurity.
I chose A Mighty Queen under the impression that I would be writing articles of success and inspiration. That is what the people want. People want a sure-footed leader with straight answers. To be such a person requires such self-denial however. Self-denial which smothers the soul over time. Plus, I used to always sing, "Gonna be a Mighty Queen," because I have no desire to be a king. I like girlyness.
I knew I was falling when I found myself chuckling angrily when someone snubbed me as I said Hello. Now, I know there are a hundred reasons why someone wouldn't return a greeting, but my ego was hurt, and I jumped into self-protection. Ten years ago I would have been disappointed in myself for my lack of control and letting the situation get to me and being mean. Five years ago, I would have been disappointed but understanding and forgiving of myself. Now I am understanding, but I also hold myself to a higher standard. I should have just let my embarrassment in the minute wash away and move on past.
There are times I look about me and I see how mean people can be. How self-righteous and angry and gossiping and hurtful. I find myself standing there wondering why I ever thought they were cool or admirable or hoped to be friends with them. They are no better than me. They might play the game better, but inside their hearts are just as tainted as everyone else's. It's so disappointing when the facade of idealism wears away and you see people for the selfish, broken souls they are. I guess we all are.
I feel so fragile today. Every word and expression, every phrase and action is sifted through searching for the needle. And sometimes the sharp needle can always be found.
And the work piles up around me and I don't want to do it. I want to escape, but I have no escape. I am slowly untwisting my heart strings from my novel having fallen "deeply" in love with a fictional character and fictional life, and am waiting quietly for the surging emotions bubbling over to calm and slowly drain away. I did this to myself, and damn, if it wasn't fun, but returning to homeostasis is a must, I suppose.
And at least another week of falling awaits me, and I think that someday, in a few years time, perhaps this rise and fall won't rule my life anymore, and somehow that saddens me. Who will I be then without the ebb and flow of powerful hormones coursing through my body. Not to mention how rapidly my face will fall. I think about it. I have reached the age that it doesn't matter anymore. The imagined weight loss and tummy tuck and breast enlargement and nose reduction, all the lovely things I was going to do to be just a wee bit cuter are really irrelevant at this point. Nobody cares. And I stand here, shaking in my raw soul, aware of my meager accomplishments, aware of my transparent weaknesses, embarrassed by my failings, and just..wait.. For the clock to turn around again, for the sunlight to burst through once more. It will come. And I will tell you joyful stories of strength and peace.
Friday, July 17, 2020
5 Things You Should Know About Life by 30
Fighting Tooth and Nail
5 Things You Should Know About Life by 30 (or earlier)
1. Forgiveness is key to happiness- This is one idea that has been brought up time and time again, but being able to forgive people is essential for a happy life. Forgiveness doesn't mean letting someone hurt you over and over again. You need to do what you need to do to set and enforce your own boundaries for safety and peace of mind. But forgiveness means allowing someone to make their own mistakes without letting the choices they made blacken your heart forever. It is hard not to hold a grudge. Sometimes not holding a grudge can feel like weakness. It can feel like you are letting people walk all over you. But holding a grudge is like a cancer, encroaching upon your heart, eating away at the happy possibilities for the future. Bitterness can feel very right, but bitterness is the language of the ego and the ego is a child. The ego doesn't necessarily have your best interest at heart, even though it will present itself as doing so. Like a pleading child, the ego will tug at your emotions, begging to you avenge wrongdoings against you. But as long as you listen to ego, and struggle to hold anger and hate close, you will be hurt. Learn to forgive.
Thursday, June 18, 2020
Watching The Book Thief-Are sad films hygge?
Sunday, April 26, 2020
My Review of Staying Stylish by Candace Cameron Bure
This blog contains affiliate links.
Note: The cover price on the book reads $22.99. Amazon is offering it heavily discounted.
I personally love me a good fashion/beauty book. Self-help and self-improvement books have been on my menu since elementary. Sometimes it exasperates my husband who seems to think they are below me, but he doesn't get it. I enjoy reading fluff books, just as he likes listening to music, and I have no apologies to offer for my little pleasure. The equivalent of bubble gum pop, top 40 dance jams (yeah, I just said that), or dare I say it? Bouncing around the Room, these books are relaxing good time read.
In the fashion section, we have Candace modeling classic basics. Let's be honest. She is just so cute! It's hard to believe looking at the photos she is only 5'2". She must have to stick to a depressingly low calorie intake to stay so slender. If you have never read a fashion book, then there might be some new information, but otherwise I just enjoyed getting inspired by the pictures. Most books give advice on how to build a capsule, which I felt was lacking in this book. To me staying stylish would include on advice on what is flattering rather than telling someone to try on what is flattering and/or get it tailored. While that is part of the equation, most people want a little more guidance before heading to the store. Also some discussion about color choices would have made it even better. A lot of people struggle with putting together a thought-out mix-and-match wardrobe.
The Skin care portion was pretty straight forward. Candace shared some of her products and routines. I only skimmed that part. I have my routine down already. There was information and product recommendations for makeup, which again, would probably appeal to the young, or those who want to feel REALLY in touch with Candace through products.
I totally skipped the exercise section, but it consisted of Candace holding weights in her hand and getting in various positions. She definitely does look toned! Where's my chubby cheeked sister from the 90's?
The nutrition information was great. I loved the idea of carrying a water bottle, although as a teacher, it doesn't seem like the best way to get through the day (90 minute block scheduling)... But her recommendations for healthy eating on the go were helpful. Tuna and salmon packs are great ideas which I never think to consider. I particularly liked the easy-grab meal and snack ideas, because so many book incorporate complicated menus and recipes-and I just don't have time for that in my life.
Finally, the suggested for nurturing your spirit were right on. From journaling to reading to prayer to giving back, Candace devotes a from a few paragraphs to a few pages for various activities designed to nurture your soul. Most of my free time is devoted to nurturing the spirit (Hello, Blog!), so while I didn't find anything new, it is always appreciated. I gotta admit after reading Candace's selection of favorite books, I found myself wondering if reads all that much, but hey! she is a working actress, she doesn't have to be a total book nerd.
I think the target audience for this book would be women in their upper 20s and 30s. If you are Candace fan, you will enjoy the cute outfits and her big smile plastered on numerous pages. If you are don't know a lot about wardrobe planning or want to have her fitness moves in an accessible place, buying the book might be good for you. For myself, it was a great library book and I enjoyed the hour I spent flipping through it!