I have struggled with difficulty making decisions since teenagerhood. It probably started in high school with my teacher vs. nurse vs. accountant dilemma. Sure, I wanted to do romantic things like be a writer or astronaut or doctor, but I do have an ounce or two of realism about me and bills need to be paid. I really just wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. It pains me to say that-because I know a lot of it is hype, even my grandma had to work-life wasn't always a Norman Rockwell painting for everyone, but being heavily influenced by Little House on the Prairie and other such romantic fantasies (because let's be honest, it's a cleaned-up, fictionalized world written for children-not nonfiction), I just longed for the simple life.
Anyway, I think where I went wrong was a) romanticizing the world and b) not living enough and settling down too soon. I don't regret it-I wouldn't have had the experiences I did and my kids, but I see where it has led to a lifetime of finding me because so much of me was spread around to others so soon. And that's okay-in the past there weren't opportunities to find one's self. You got married, worked at home or somewhere, and did what you had to do to survive until death. We are lucky to live in the modern world where we can chase dreams.
Going back to college in my late 20s was hard. I wanted to learn about everything, a little (I guess I am a generalist), but I also had kids to figure out how to support. I changed majors 50 zillion times (officially, 7, but the HOURS I poured over the college catalog-man, I loved that thing with all the possibilities and opportunities). I would LOVE to work as a career counselor in college helping students, but alas, I am old and too tired to start over and I think you need a master's in counseling, and that's just gross. They'd probably make me talk about my real feelings and not this cleaned-up version.
Anyhoo, my master's degree search was more of the same: Officially Elementary education, MBA, English Education Teaching, Master's of Geospatial Science, Master's of Public Admin., Master's in Library Science, before finally settling on special education, not out of desire, but because I needed a damn job already.
So when I started teaching math two years ago, I was delighted. I ALWAYS wanted to teach reg ed, and I finally had a job I felt really proud of. Granted it wasn't world history or geography or a foreign language (which I can't speak) or English or anything romantic, but I do enjoy doing math quite a bit, so that's fine. It's been okay. I loved that I never got bored. Maybe I was drowning, but you aren't bored when you are drowning! I do struggle with classroom management-though it got a little easier when the principal gave me a tip-I just needed to be louder and talk over them until they shut up-and it did usually work, amazingly. Waiting for them to be quiet and cueing them to be quiet was taking too much time. I also struggled with finding time to work with them one-on-one when they needed help, because the class would start getting too loud when I stopped talking. There are a few issues here: I am very sensitive to noise and cannot hear well with background noise (I have a slight hearing loss in one ear and it does affect me), and I get confused when a lot of stimulation is flying at me. Tests scores were okay last year, so I figured something was going right. Now, this years test scores will likely go down a bit-they pulled more kids into a second algebra class, so there are fewer of the high flyers taking the 8th grade MAP test this year-this will affect the scores. I also had some really tough classes overall this year-two of my three eighth classes were rough. My 7th graders were super chatty, but respectful, overall.
So, our FACS teacher didn't like FACS and wanted out. At the same time, my principal was my secret santa and had my paper saying how I loved collecting vintage homemaking books and magazines, and it seems obvious I would love FACS. She asked me if I would do it, and I very reluctantly said okay, and have been in a tailspin ever since. I feel like my budding identity was ripped away, and I can't find balance. Everything has spiraled away from me, and somehow I agreed to go back to sped at Hickory because there was an opening and the "pros" for sped were greater than the "pros" for FACS. But...I don't want to go back to a past job. I know expertise comes from time spent in a field, growing, but I want a little novelty. Plus, it's math sped and I prefer ELA sped. So I applied at Tierney's school because they need an Intensive support teacher badly, and it would be fun to work with family. I have that job contingent on references, but my I haven't gotten ONE of the other 7 jobs I interviewed for this year, Edit: I forgot I was offered the sped job at Pershing-whoops!
and it makes me wonder, is it my interviewing, my age, or my references.
I thought intensive support would give me that feeling of being in control of my day and be a little more like the home daycare I always wanted (with some academics, of course), but since I have never done it, I don't know if i would like it. Nine months is a long time to sign up for an unknown.
But I feel like Hickory is ruined for me. If a math job opens, it will HURT me to see someone else do it. I will have to move down to the 7th grade hall for the sped job, and I don't want to move. I don't want to go back to feeling invisible. I know plenty of people are known and respected as sped teachers-this is me and my issue-but I don't know how to overcome it. I know my nature is better suited to smaller group instruction-I get confused and overstimulated.
So now I am in the position of feeling like I am letting EVERYONE down no matter what I do. I know, if life has taught me anything (like getting married at 19 when I didn't really want to because I didn't know how to nicely get out of it), it's that I need to think about myself and not everyone else's feelings. But that is hard to do.
And I asked my principal yesterday if FACS was still a possibility and she hasn't answered, and I don't blame her, because clearly, I am a mess and a pain in the ass.
I just want to be NOT bored and do good work and have good coworkers who are kind but also interesting and make everyone happy with my choice.
That's it.
God help me.
:o)
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