It's been such a season already. Last night I was dramatically moaning about the horror that is my job search when I remembered I don't actually have to look for a job. I am not too much of a pro/con list because pros and cons can't hold a candle for what the gut has to say about the matter, however, I cannot feel the gut UNTIL I take positive steps towards something. Meaning, when I was in college, I didn't know how I felt about a major until I had met with the department chair and actually signed up for classes and purchased the books. Once it became real, I could get a feeling about whether I really wanted something or whether it felt right for me or not. It's a tough way to live, and I am fully aware that I come off as VERY flaky. It's sort of how I ended up at Hickory in the first place. First of all, when I did summer school there I had a strong feeling that I should be working there. Secondly, while I was in a pretty good position at Parkview with several basic classes to teach and was able to use the room mostly as I saw fit (though it was shared with a couple other teachers), I craved my own room. When I got the call that I had the job, I was happy to finally be successful, but also a little bummed because I wasn't unhappy at Parkview. I was bummed that I wasn't going to ever be department head, but I also know I am not a fan of making tough in-the-moment decisions and don't trust my judgement and one needs confidence in oneself to lead others well. But...we live in a world that praises leaders and gives false lip service to the team. Coteaching could be boring sometimes and made me feel dumb as rocks, but at the same time, it was always nice when I wasn't feeling well or was exhausted from lack of sleep to sit back and let someone else take the lead. Anyway, I was pleased to get the job-especially since I had the feeling that some people thought I hadn't really been serious all along about finding a job. I was-I am just bad at interviewing. Every now and then I will be "on" and hit it. Or maybe they are just desperate. Who knows? So even though, I sort of didn't want to change jobs, I felt I had to change.
Again, did I have to take the FACS job? I don't know. I felt pressured. I feel as if the current administration is pointing out my faults, but not serious about helping me build on any strengths. I haven't heard ANY strengths. My sixth graders were quiet and well-behaved and working (aside from one or two) and was told they were too sleepy and I needed to turn the lights up more. When some people form an opinion there isn't a whole lot you can do about that. When I implemented the changes suggested, they were not recorded or noted at all in the next observation I had. Only more negative. When I asked to please let me go observe the other eighth grade math teacher so I could get an idea of flow, I was told yes, but it hasn't happened yet. I was told I needed to implement a cool-down, WHICH I DID, it was just missed by the observer. It feels like this person's mind was made up early and I didn't have a shot. Now. Was someone directing their mind in a certain way? Meaning is someone else-I don't want to say sabotaging, because I do have flaws and that is rather charged language, but perhaps someone expressing deep concern because my methods are different than theirs and casting doubt on me? Maybe. But politics are part of the game and not a part I care to play. And let's be honest. I never sat around dreaming about teaching math. I mean, I like it, it's fun, but it is really hard for me to slow down when I am on a roll because I enjoy it so much. And kids need you to go slow. I guess. I just don't fit with the education system. And classroom management sucks because somehow I have to keep it fairly quiet, while also implementing engaging group work, teach a lesson, keep track of school supplies, when angry students are swiping calculators to destroy for no good reason-probably because I asked them to be quiet and wouldn't let them sit where they want and play on their phones. And at the same time stay focused when so much is going on. I also really struggle to pick out what people are saying when there is background noise. Kids think I am just letting some kids get a way with saying bad things, but in reality, I just can't hear them. I do have a diagnosed slight hearing loss from childhood. It does affect me socially. And apparently professionally, too. Maybe I AM bad at it. Maybe I suck as a teacher and FACS is a way to move me to a place where it won't matter. Maybe the growth 8th grade made last year was the result of the other teacher and everyone is just too polite to explicitly tell me.
What I really want is a small group-10 to 14 kids, and we just explore where it leads us in a subject. We could make portfolios-and have a little daily lesson, too, but really just get deep into our subjects as it aligns with our interests. I probably would need my own private school for that. And highly motivated students. And we could just like have a theme for the day or week or season and follow it and...well, anyway.
So job hunting. I went on two high school math interviews. The first, I wanted and would have liked. It was algebra, geometry, and algebra 2 at a Kickapoo. I really wanted it, I prepared for several hours. I didn't get it. Okay. That's two years in a row there-they just aren't that into me. The next was at Hillcrest which is so far away, and the job sounded dreadful. Thankfully I didn't get that. The third was Launch, which I knew was a long shot, but it is my dream job, and I didn't get that. Okay. The fourth was my old job at Parkview, except it was teaching sped math. I felt okay about it, but realized I didn't want to do sped math. I would always be angling to get back into those ELA/history classes. So I emailed them and said I was mainly interested in ELA, not math. At the interview they had mentioned the schedule was not complete so it was possible ELA could be done and people could be switched. So I wanted to let them know where I stood, so they could make the best decision for their needs and I wouldn't be "angling" because that feels icky. And I never heard back from them. Not even a not interested. So I am wondering if my email came across as me withdrawing myself from the job consideration. But alas, I will just call it fate if that's the thing. I am worried about SPED cuts anyway. It would stress me out. But it would have been nice to have the shorter commute and the shared office to chat with people in, and teaching novels again. Oh well. Maybe they just found the perfect candidate and forgot all about everyone else. Que sera, sera, n'est-ce pas?
So now I have a request for an interview interview at another middle school math position. This school would be a lower SES school, and the new building is sterile and weird. But I have interviewed with this principal before and I am just not sure I want to miss work again to go on an interview again. Honestly, my confidence is shattered at this point. I would like the shorter commute and the possibility of making a friend somewhere, because it just isn't happening where I am. The one person who was interested in hanging out with me was pushed out by the previous admin. I also like feeling like I matter to my workplace and core classes does that for me. It feels important and I need that feeling of mattering.
And so I think, why not just take the FACS job and see what happens. Maybe I will like it. Information-wise, I probably will, especially if we aren't having multiple meetings discussing pacing and test scores and all kinds of stuff that sucks the life and joy out of all that is good in education (which I am pretty sure is by design). I won't have meetings. I will have an extra class every day to teach. I'll be lonely, but clearly that's my lot in life. I like to tell myself that it is because I am too proud and SOMEBODY in the spirit world and I had to come to this lonely existence on earth to learn a little more humility. Hey, it gets me through the day.
But I really don't feel wanted or valued and I think it would better to go where I have a chance to feel that. And I hate the drive. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate the drive. I misplaced my keys and had to uber there a couple of weeks ago, and it was $20 before tipping. One way. What if my car breaks down? I won't even be able to work without depending on other people. I can't walk or bike there. My car has 176K miles. I am so disappointed I couldn't get hired at Kickapoo. That would have helped with so many little things. I could have just ended my career there and been within walking distance.
So yeah, I can set my pride aside and just do FACS and if I am lonely, so be it. Teachers usually last longer than admin anyway. But, what if it's the wrong choice. What if I am just not trying hard enough?
I need sleep. Alec has been following me at night where ever I go and he keeps snuggling and I am not a snuggler. It wakes me up. I am also annoyed that we aren't getting a snow day. I need a snow day badly.
Later! God, does anything match the first cup of coffee?
