Dealing with the Worst

    For an overthinker, I would have to say getting unpleasant news right before a vacation from work, is probably about the worst thing that can happen. I am going crazy here!

Actually I am in more than one not good places. First of all, work. Okay, I am not ace at handling a big class. This makes me sad. Could I handle a younger group of kids? Fifth or sixth graders? Maybe. Do I want to try? I don't know. I am tired. I have tried regular ed and it isn't all that. Am I less invisible. Yes. And that does matter. When I said I was a special education teacher, people were always like, "Wow, you must be so patient, I could never do that," and attributed all these soft moral values and skills to me which didn't float my boat. When I say math, people are like, "You must be so logical, I could never do that," and attribute another said of skills to me which I don't feel I have. And maybe I need to stop caring what people say, because most people, myself included, just say things to keep the conversation flowing. I put too much meaning in it. Yesterday, I was okay with FACS and looking at the curriculum guide and planning. I woke up today certain that I should just go back to sped. 

    Did I dislike sped? Yes. Why? First, I felt like people felt I was soft and less than, like I make decisions to make the world full of rainbows and butterflies and that is offensive to me. Plus I got tired of kids asking if I was a student teacher when I was coteaching. Pride is a real thing. My problem at Parkview was I couldn't have my own room-and it is so fun to have a room. Plus I just wanted to prove that I COULD get an reg ed job (who I was proving it to, I am unsure. Myself?) And finally, I got tired of planning out lessons to have half the class be totally uninterested. I complained about the paperwork, but it didn't really bother me. I don't mind deadlines.

Coming to Hickory also allowed me to bring Alec and Liam the first year I was here and Liam came the second year, too. Personally, I don't WANT Alec at Hickory. It has a weird feeling in the elementary and I don't feel like it is where I want my kids. It's not bad-just...not my people. 

    So why am I unsure of FACS? Well, first of all, I have listened to many groups of teachers and a common complaint is that is unfair that related arts teachers get paid as much as regular teachers. Another complaint is that untested subjects get paid as much as tested subjects. Now related arts teachers in middle school have 6 classes rather than the 5 the core subjects have, but again, I don't want people whining that I am not working as hard. People have also complained that SPED is easy, but it isn't. Planning a basic class is just as much work as planning a regular education class. Yes, there is less grading, but sometimes you are grading 5 or 6 different levels of reading comprehension, so it isn't cookie cutter. But yes, the emphasis IS off of standardized testing and that is nice. 

    

    As for regular ed, I am a year and a half in and I STRUGGLE with managing a full class. I CAN'T focus when people are talking and I can't seem to manage the quiet, calm classroom when there are so many in there. 

I'm the Problem, It's Me

   

Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash

I WISH I were soaking up the sun.

  I took a few UberEats calls after an early morning wake-up, but suddenly everything coming up on the screen seemed a bit too much. I noticed as I was driving a slight ache in my throat and an ache in my lower back. I was struck with a sudden bad cold last week which only was really bad for a day or two, but I don't see how I could possible be sick again. I have had the flu shot, so hopefully whatever it is will be mild and pass quickly. I will go back out and work some later. Right now I just had to get back and bed and snuggle myself a bit.

Identity

    I have been thinking a lot about identity. Why some people just seem to be so sure of who they are and so focused on what they do. Others of us flounder about trying to catch that one perfect sign that says, "This is you. This is what you are to do." And when we find that sign we still doubt it and keep on searching. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't certainty, but rather the choice to focus. Maybe it isn't a feeling, but a thought process. Maybe chasing feelings is futile because they always change. But thoughts can change, too. I don't know. Why are some people so sure and others are never settled?

    Sometimes I become devastated when I get a glimpse into how others see me. I feel as if  see myself much more positively than other people view me. I feel as if I have more faith in me than others. Of course, I also know others only get glimpses of me, and I am bad about making silly statements to throw people off-often without realizing I am doing it. It just comes out. So they make judgements based on half-truths-that aren't exactly intended to be lies-just to buy my feelings and core a little privacy and space. But I think ultimately, although I view myself fairly positively, a part of me is afraid that the others are right and I am wrong. And it isn't that they don't think I am great, it is that maybe deep inside I am afraid I am not. And when that is reflected in others, it makes me doubt. 

    Choices or the Illusion of Them

Okay. The day has passed. I took a Tylenol and felt better. Illness solved. But the gray skies have been weighing on my soul and I am so sad that I feel the new principal is giving up on me. I wanted to leave sped because of the boredom and isolation and I know I have been holding back as a team member because I was so afraid after trying for SO long to get a regular ed job that someone would point me out and say, "Hold up! You don't belong here." And now I feel that that has happened. And I know it isn't just about me. It isn't about my feelings at all. And it shouldn't be. It's about getting good test scores, good education, and low discipline referrals. I just feel hurt that everyone is giving up on me too soon. And while I might enjoy teaching FACS, as a related arts teacher, I will HAVE NO TEAM. I WILL BE MORE ISOLATED than I ever was in SPED. I am so lonely now I can hardly breathe sometimes (but again it might just be the gray weather and winter break), how will I bear it?  So I think I could go back to sped, as long as I am in a decent size school, particularly secondary, I should have coworkers, but with all the talk about dissolving the department of education, this puts sped jobs in a risky place. Maybe teaching 27 kids at once IS too much for me. But I CAN teach small group. I love having 10 to 15 kids. But obviously, I want to be wise. I don't want to have an emotional kneejerk reaction and not choose carefully. I hate that all this weight falls on my shoulders. I feel I can't afford to screw up. And don't tell me I need a man. I always attract men who lean very heavily on me and do not make me feel secure. Maybe I should date a woman. Women tend to be stronger. Eh, I wouldn't really know what to do with a woman. I like those manly arms. Sigh. Anyway, I guess I can make the most of this semester I have left. I wish I had gotten an online job so I didn't have to uber so much. I would have more time to work on my classes. I am feeling a little loserish all around lately. But it's okay. It's me. I don't commit 100% then I wonder why people aren't loyal to me. Thank god for red wine. But I only have the one cup, sadly. I need to plan a game night. I can't take this constantly being with my own thoughts.

Happy Friday night!

I just love Harry Styles voice.