Actually I am in more than one not good places. First of all, work. Okay, I am not ace at handling a big class. This makes me sad. Could I handle a younger group of kids? Fifth or sixth graders? Maybe. Do I want to try? I don't know. I am tired. I have tried regular ed and it isn't all that. Am I less invisible. Yes. And that does matter. When I said I was a special education teacher, people were always like, "Wow, you must be so patient, I could never do that," and attributed all these soft moral values and skills to me which didn't float my boat. When I say math, people are like, "You must be so logical, I could never do that," and attribute another said of skills to me which I don't feel I have. And maybe I need to stop caring what people say, because most people, myself included, just say things to keep the conversation flowing. I put too much meaning in it. Yesterday, I was okay with FACS and looking at the curriculum guide and planning. I woke up today certain that I should just go back to sped.
Did I dislike sped? Yes. Why? First, I felt like people felt I was soft and less than, like I make decisions to make the world full of rainbows and butterflies and that is offensive to me. Plus I got tired of kids asking if I was a student teacher when I was coteaching. Pride is a real thing. My problem at Parkview was I couldn't have my own room-and it is so fun to have a room. Plus I just wanted to prove that I COULD get an reg ed job (who I was proving it to, I am unsure. Myself?) And finally, I got tired of planning out lessons to have half the class be totally uninterested. I complained about the paperwork, but it didn't really bother me. I don't mind deadlines.
Coming to Hickory also allowed me to bring Alec and Liam the first year I was here and Liam came the second year, too. Personally, I don't WANT Alec at Hickory. It has a weird feeling in the elementary and I don't feel like it is where I want my kids. It's not bad-just...not my people.
So why am I unsure of FACS? Well, first of all, I have listened to many groups of teachers and a common complaint is that is unfair that related arts teachers get paid as much as regular teachers. Another complaint is that untested subjects get paid as much as tested subjects. Now related arts teachers in middle school have 6 classes rather than the 5 the core subjects have, but again, I don't want people whining that I am not working as hard. People have also complained that SPED is easy, but it isn't. Planning a basic class is just as much work as planning a regular education class. Yes, there is less grading, but sometimes you are grading 5 or 6 different levels of reading comprehension, so it isn't cookie cutter. But yes, the emphasis IS off of standardized testing and that is nice.
As for regular ed, I am a year and a half in and I STRUGGLE with managing a full class. I CAN'T focus when people are talking and I can't seem to manage the quiet, calm classroom when there are so many in there.
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