Not Feeling Mighty Queeny

This what ChatGPT thinks I should do with my library.

Anyone who has ever felt the fear that comes from not having firm control over the circumstances in one's daily life, might understand the fear I feel as the new school year approaches. While I am not opposed to change, I want self-orchestrated change. Change imposed upon me is just a shackle ripping all joy away and leaving in its place the chain of monotonous duty. And every year, as a teacher, this occurs. I thought it would be better teaching regular education, but then I ended up without any team meetings the first year, and then noone on my team having the same lunch period the second year. I am not sure I liked teaching math. I liked DOING math, but teaching it? Not so sure. The other math teachers weren't really my jam, they were such rule followers,  and I kept feeling as if I was trying to fit myself into the wrong shaped hole. 

I thought I loved my job now. Last week I said I did. But now I feel like a failure, and like choice is being ripped away, and it just makes me want to run. I don't really have any coworkers I would miss anyway. I don't have time to get to know anyone and no meetings that aren't whole staff. And the sped team aren't my type either.  At least starting over is fun. I am so over IEP paperwork. So, so over it. I. just. don't. care. But whether I can actually talk my way into a regular ed job remains to be seen. Study didn't want me. Study. I feel like such a failure. Not really, I didn't want the job really anyway. The job isn't posted, anymore, so maybe they found the right person. I was thinking about it as a stepping stone anyway. I just really want to find  a job that is interesting, lets me be creative, and doesn't turn my world upside down every year. I sort of wish I had just kept the facs job at Hickory, but Hickory was pretty cliquey, and that new principal and I just didn't dance well together last year. I don't really miss it at all. But Carver is not home. Nothing about it is homey. It's weird. Everyone SEEMS nice, but ... there is still an undercurrent of weird permeating the air. 

Really, I want to teach these: Earth Science at the high school level, or history at the middle school level (I mean high school would be lovely, but I am done taking Praxis tests, though my middle school social studies praxis score was <chef's kiss>. Family and consumer science at any level would be great. I do worry about not feeling prestigious, but frankly, I have to get over that. My whole personality screams, NOT PRESTIGIOUS anyway. I wouldn't mind doing ELA at the middle school level, but it's probably competitive. High school, too, but they can get the best at that level. And I am not the best. The ability to pass a test with a high score doesn't mean I actually would be good at it. I should have been an accountant. It's too late now. I could have become a CPA, moved to a big city, and spent lonely nights staring out the window at the skyline with my kitties. Oh well. Too late now. Sometimes I think about elementary, but...I just don't know if I can get myself that together. So much to keep straight. Which bus 23 kids are riding? Or who is getting picked up? Several tested subjects every day. Not to mention sorting out the drama. Probably not my strong point. Maybe early childhood. But again, the preparation. I want Earth science, maybe a bio course, or intro chem. Nothing too up there. I am tired, but just good general sciences. Or Facs, whatever. 

I just feel like a failure, and I would rather fail at something new that something old. I wish I had an ounce of talent. 

Meh, it's fine. I am just really, really tired.  Have a good week. I will return with renewed optimism, I am certain.;)

Getting Older

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

 Sometimes I forget about it and sometimes I really feel it. In my body, I feel it. I remind myself I need to get out and walk and get active, but it is so easy to push away with day to day responsibilities. Since I started taking a statin for my cholesterol levels in January, fatigue has been plaguing me. This means, once I come home and am ready to be home-I droop. Like a wilting flower, every bit of strength floods out and my bed calls to me. It's a problem. 

However, I have to remember that in many aspects, I control my destiny. I remember that in the past, I had a cup of coffee in the afternoon to push on through the evening. I remember that the simple act of going out and taking a few steps down the road can make a difference and perk me up. It's funny, most of my life I was so embarrassed to be seen out-gasp!-exercising. And suddenly now, I just don't care. I don't care. I don't want to exercise, don't misunderstand, but I don't care about being seen. Which is also funny, because at 52, I can be quite invisible. Not totally invisible, these older men flirt too, but invisible to the majority of the population. It's okay, though. There comes a point when you don't just say you understand that your value is well beyond being seen, you actually feel it and know it in your bones. 

Sometimes I wish I had waited to get married, gotten the nose job and the boob job, and thrown a wider net out. But truthfully, it took so many decades to start unlearning the unhealthy lessons I had absorbed. I don't know that it would have made a difference. If we could be the we we are at midlife in our youth-what a gift that would be. 

My main struggle now? 

Career wise

    Part of me still feels as if I am not a legitimate teacher if I am not a regular education teacher. Now, I believe what I do matters. I like my students, I enjoy the rhythm of my day (but goodness, I wish we started an hour earlier and got out earlier). I like that I can wear jeans every day and can teach what I want. I don't mind doing restraints. In fact, it gives me a just a hint of dopamine every now and then that I crave. Don't get me wrong, I don't LIKE doing them. I don't LIKE my lessons being disrupted. I don't like dodging kicks and teeth. But I don't dread it either. The hardest part is seeing how much my paras hate it, and feeling like I am failing them when a student needs restrained. But back to the regular education thing. Having done it for two years, I can honestly say, neither is harder than the other. Regular education has it's own set of annoyances-strict adherence to curriculum, endless discussion with other stakeholders about tests scores, breaking down individual problems. Many students aren't interested in the subject matter. Crowd control. But it also has the ability to share stories more deeply about the world, the feeling of greater respect from coworkers and a little more recognition. I am not unhappy now, but I would like the ability to jump a little deeper sometimes. 

Relationship wise

    What relationship? Truthfully, I don't think single men exist after the age of 50. Where are they? I am not interested in bars. I am too shy for church, and my belief systems don't fit neatly in the box. It would be nice to have someone to do things with and talk with. But it is hard to imagine another adult in my house who isn't my children's parent. I don't know. I think it would add more stability to the boys' lives-if I didn't feel the need to work extra, if I had another adult helping out with chores. If I had another adult to lean on when things are stressful or something goes wrong. But...again, where are these nice, relaxed, intelligent, single men? I don't think they exist. Plus I don't know how to flirt and seal the deal. I get so shy. 

Life wise

    Gardening. I just don't have a green thumb. I am going to try container gardening this year. I am using bags. I'll let you know how it goes. I want abundant, colorful, rich and ripe vegetables so badly.

The fence should be fixed soon. That storm last summer really wrecked havoc on my yard. Also I am having the front door replaced, so I am excited about that. This door just needs to go. I WANT to repaint the entire exterior, but I can't afford a professional and frankly, hanging out on a ladder painting the second level sounds crazy and dangerous. I still need to replace one of the garage doors. I need the shed cleaned out and the shed roof needs repaired. And the door of the shed. I need someone with a chainsaw to trim up the bushes and small growing trees. I REALLY would like big backyard tree cut down, but the quotes were from $5000 to 6000 and I just don't have that right now. 

I am so thankful for my new to me car, but I look at it, and it is so not me. Actually size-wise, I guess it is like the Dodge Neon I had in Hawaii in the 90s. It's just a young feeling car. I visualize myself in something more substantial. Honestly, I'd like a minivan or third row SUV. I suppose with gas prices jumping it's better I don't have to deal with that. 

The state of the world? I don't know. I don't know what to do. There is only so much one person can do. Make their own corner the best they can. What's true and what isn't? I don't know. I do know the hateful words of our elected are painful, humiliating, and so far removed from what is good in the world, it is astounding at times. The lack of empathy, the lack of care from the public, is horrifying. People who consider themselves good, just keep spewing evil, and the world is sad. But we keep on. And there is the fear that perhaps I am blind to my own stumbles, but I try to be aware. I try.

I struggle when I am scared. When I think someone is thinking ill of me, when I can't control the narrative. I am learning to breathe it in and go with it, but the urge to self-protect is strong. There are different ways to work through it. Some people have the people skills to control the narrative, but I don't. My method has always been to just shut that person out and off, until I feel safe again. That's not really the way either, though. For me, with my skill set, I have to just go with it. I have to be my own anchor without closing off or getting nasty. I am a work in progress. Like all of us. I suppose. 

I had hoped this blog would be so much more-but we are who we are. 

Happy Sunday.