Not Feeling Mighty Queeny

This what ChatGPT thinks I should do with my library.

Anyone who has ever felt the fear that comes from not having firm control over the circumstances in one's daily life, might understand the fear I feel as the new school year approaches. While I am not opposed to change, I want self-orchestrated change. Change imposed upon me is just a shackle ripping all joy away and leaving in its place the chain of monotonous duty. And every year, as a teacher, this occurs. I thought it would be better teaching regular education, but then I ended up without any team meetings the first year, and then noone on my team having the same lunch period the second year. I am not sure I liked teaching math. I liked DOING math, but teaching it? Not so sure. The other math teachers weren't really my jam, they were such rule followers,  and I kept feeling as if I was trying to fit myself into the wrong shaped hole. 

I thought I loved my job now. Last week I said I did. But now I feel like a failure, and like choice is being ripped away, and it just makes me want to run. I don't really have any coworkers I would miss anyway. I don't have time to get to know anyone and no meetings that aren't whole staff. And the sped team aren't my type either.  At least starting over is fun. I am so over IEP paperwork. So, so over it. I. just. don't. care. But whether I can actually talk my way into a regular ed job remains to be seen. Study didn't want me. Study. I feel like such a failure. Not really, I didn't want the job really anyway. The job isn't posted, anymore, so maybe they found the right person. I was thinking about it as a stepping stone anyway. I just really want to find  a job that is interesting, lets me be creative, and doesn't turn my world upside down every year. I sort of wish I had just kept the facs job at Hickory, but Hickory was pretty cliquey, and that new principal and I just didn't dance well together last year. I don't really miss it at all. But Carver is not home. Nothing about it is homey. It's weird. Everyone SEEMS nice, but ... there is still an undercurrent of weird permeating the air. 

Really, I want to teach these: Earth Science at the high school level, or history at the middle school level (I mean high school would be lovely, but I am done taking Praxis tests, though my middle school social studies praxis score was <chef's kiss>. Family and consumer science at any level would be great. I do worry about not feeling prestigious, but frankly, I have to get over that. My whole personality screams, NOT PRESTIGIOUS anyway. I wouldn't mind doing ELA at the middle school level, but it's probably competitive. High school, too, but they can get the best at that level. And I am not the best. The ability to pass a test with a high score doesn't mean I actually would be good at it. I should have been an accountant. It's too late now. I could have become a CPA, moved to a big city, and spent lonely nights staring out the window at the skyline with my kitties. Oh well. Too late now. Sometimes I think about elementary, but...I just don't know if I can get myself that together. So much to keep straight. Which bus 23 kids are riding? Or who is getting picked up? Several tested subjects every day. Not to mention sorting out the drama. Probably not my strong point. Maybe early childhood. But again, the preparation. I want Earth science, maybe a bio course, or intro chem. Nothing too up there. I am tired, but just good general sciences. Or Facs, whatever. 

I just feel like a failure, and I would rather fail at something new that something old. I wish I had an ounce of talent. 

Meh, it's fine. I am just really, really tired.  Have a good week. I will return with renewed optimism, I am certain.;)