That’s what my own head decided to do to me this week. And it’s rough. So my drama continues, but it isn’t nearly as big of a deal as I am making it. I think my fear of being trapped is rising up. And when you have a fear of being trapped (which for me means being bored and powerless to plan how my day unfolds) and you have a great need for security- well, there’s going to be tension.
So my principal told me there was a sped math position opening at my school. Now FACS sounds more interesting than sped math, but I am not great at crowd control and I am beginning to doubt I will ever get better at it. My brain just locks up and I think why are doing this and it’s hard for me to implement strategies because I am too busy wondering why they are being buttheads. I’d kill to go back to school and learn all day. I decided sped math would be better as I would have more interaction with grownups during the day and smaller crowds to deal with. Don’t get me wrong- there are things about FACS I really want to do. I worked on a curriculum all last weekend for it. But I am over trying to get a whole classroom to care. It’s not fun. But I sort of want to explore that option. But I also feel like I made the best choice for my mental health and to utilize my skills.
But then the being trapped part started to hit. It’s hard to get out of sped and I like to feel free. So I applied for a couple jobs casually, and one of them called my principal, who was not happy I had applied for another job. Which I understand. She wants things settled and ready to go. I would too. But that doesn’t help my trapped feeling at all. So with the surge of hormones (remember I am a pmdd sufferer-I SUFFER with hormones), and being told I was unprofessional (which I might be) I just have been feeling awful. Then a 7th grader expressed her delight that she would not be having me for FACS and it was just enough to seriously ruin my day. And y’all know I can be bitter. But the poison is seeping away and I have to hold firm to the knowledge that I made the best decision I could. It is impossible to have the best of both or all worlds. Something has to give. The best thing I can do is let the missed possibilities pass gracefully, which is a struggle for me, but perhaps that is the lesson to learn here.
I really wish I wasn’t so self-centered. If I could focus more on the students and less on my feelings, all would be better. This lifelong identity crisis is getting old. Maybe there is a factor of will and self-determination involved in creating one’s identity and all the while I have just been heeding my feelings of the moment.
The truth is- I love the math of regular ed. I love 8th grade math. But eighth graders are rough and I am tender hearted. And they see that and use that and dislike me for it. And that was my main fear about FACS. Which let’s be honest, I am a little sad about. But- a choice had to be made and I made the one that seemed best at the time. Now if my principal would stop hurting my feelings, all would be well.🤣 I think we just have very different personalities. Most of all, I need to stop hurting my own feelings. I can believe whatever I want, so I should believe the best.
Too tired for a picture today.
Happy Friday.
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