The past several days have been delightful. The early August weather was as delightful as late September weather, and I have enjoyed it immensely. Today, I woke up with a backache and leg ache and I am not tremendously happy about that. I suppose I could take some Tylenol, but haven't yet. Everything around me feels heavy. First, I made the mistake of spending several hours on TikTok and my feed is rather worrisome on there. All death and doom and destruction-for the working class, anyway. So I need to stay away from there. Even if it is true-what can I do? I am disgusted by the current state of our country and the people who continue to cheer it on. They literally are causing me to lose faith in humanity. The selfishness and the hate is staggering. But alas, the sun is still rising. 

I feel pressed by mental illness all around me. The problems of my family are heavy. And it feels a little unfair.

 I don't understand people who don't care if things are nice and clean and pretty and fresh. Surroundings matter. Not that I am housekeeper of the year, but I try as much as my energy allows. I did a pretty good job keeping up with the house until I had to start Ubering so much. This is my own fault-trying to give the kids the illusion that we are still solidly middle class with our purchases and lifestyle. I am going to have to pay off the debt from the purchases and start focusing on budgeting more. It would help if Alec would stop breaking computers and TVs. I think he has finally realized he cannot carry TVs and laptops around. He just drops everything. He asks for help now. 

Yesterday I longed for a house in the country-thought about trying to find one, but today, I long for an apartment. Even though a three bedroom apartment would cost more than my mortgage, I would no longer have repairs and lawncare. It is so tempting. There are a few things that stop me however. First, I would have to either fix this place up, and my bathrooms desperately need remodeling-not redecorating-complete tub and sink replacement- or I would need to sell as is probably. And that would be such a loss of money. And Liam still spends significant time in the yard throwing discs. I hate to take that from him. Plus, the nearest 3 bedroom apartment is a much longer walk to school for him. It would be 30 minutes or more instead of the current 10 minutes or so. That would be rough in the winter. Plus as uncertain as the world is I feel I should hold onto my assets as long as possible. But I am tired of keeping up with it for sure. 

I have to return to work next week and the anxiety is eating at me. It's just this underlying feeling of something being very wrong. I don't mind working. I just struggle with social anxiety. I guess it is my cross to bear. Anne Shirley was burdened with red hair; I am burdened with social anxiety. I dread it. And the worst part is, the anxiety causes me to be weird and negative and leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way. It also is frustrating that knowing the problem still doesn't fix the problem.