On Pain

Friday, December 13, 2019
Several weeks ago I wrote about my struggle with the book I was reading, The Universe has Your Back, and the idea that pain was unnecessary. It just didn't seem to jive with the whole of human experience. However, while I cannot say that pain is never going to happen, I think I am beginning to understand a bit of what the author was referring to when she made this statement.

Disappointment Looms

In the past couple of weeks I have felt the underpinnings of yet another huge disappointment looming. I have been struggling with how to handle this. It makes me sad, and when I cannot figure a way out, I start to feel hopeless and angry. All the past disappointments come rushing back and the world just seems so unfair. And when one rages at the unfairness, others simply shrug it off and say, "Yep. It is."

What?! My problem-solving nature can't HANDLE this. It has to be fixed and made better, damn it!

Anyway, as I found myself spiraling down that painful path of realizing this goal seems ever-elusive to me, and I started to tailspin into the shame of "What is so wrong with me?" I realized that I have a choice. I can wallow in the pain and shame of not being good enough, or I can shrug it off and say, "All right. What can I learn here?" And the lesson cannot be that I am not good enough, smart enough, able enough, because I know myself, and I am all those things. The lesson is something else. So I choose to back away from the pain. To distance myself and try to look with fresh eyes. I don't have to feel pain. I may have to move on to something else. I may have to accept and focus somewhere else. But maybe there is a purpose at play here, perhaps one I cannot see yet, and I have to have faith in that. The purpose isn't to hurt me. It is to make me better and use my talents better. That is the promise I hold onto as I face the day.

Renewed Hope

I think this is what the author was referring to when she said we didn't have to feel pain. Hope and choice always exist. The opportunity to step back and grow is always present. It isn't easy. But it is there.

And  now two little boys are talking to me! Oh, the life of a mother.

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