I am a worrier. I love nothing more than to ruminate over possibilities and torture myself over things that could go wrong. Am I doing the wrong job? Am I going to get in trouble? Am I going to be able to handle XYZ? Does this person dislike me and I just don't realize it? The problem wilthall this is: Whatever will come to pass, happens whether I worry about it or not. My worrying-my obsessing, just ruins today and make me unpleasant to be around. Especially since when I am worried, I can be a little bit hateful-maybe as a means to I don't know, protect myself somehow.
I worry because I think if I hit on the right thought, the right word, the right support from others, I will be protected from the pain of what I am worrying about. But I think, it actually does the opposite. I think it creates a negative cloud around me that actually increases the likelihood of a negative outcome. Now, I will note that my worrying is pretty self-centered. This extends to my kids somewhat, as I worry about them being rejected quite a bit. And the fact that it is so self-centered must make it even more frustrating for others to have to listen to it. I am worried about this. ;o).
Seriously, though. The question is how to retrain my brain to prepare, but not overly worry. It is normal to be concerned about what may come. It is not normal to be in an obsessive cloud of trying to hit on the right thought in hopes that is will assuage the negative feelings. Maybe this is the thought. The idea of letting go of the concern. Until it comes to pass, it is really is out of my hands. I don't HAVE to let something ruin my day, my weekend. That is a choice I make when it happens.
I had such a dream. I had just taken a job at Hillcrest for English (I was born to teach world history or earth science,but I was WORRIED I wouldn't be able to find a job-so I changed majors). Anyway, all the teachers were streaming in to start the first day back, I was disorganized and confused and was hit with this fear that I hadn't told anyone at Parkview I was leaving. They would realize it when I didn't show up and that was some comfort, but the problem with anything new is that you must leave something else behind in its place.
And that is sad.
Have a great Saturday. I have been hit by horrific allergies or a cold, I am not sure which, I have that elephant sitting on my face feeling. But it's freakin' weekend, and I am excited to have a chance to work, clean, and just be Jill. Need to buy some tomato plants.
