A Challenging Time

Friday, November 8, 2019
I  am continuing to go through a challenging time. Disappointments keep popping up in my head, and sometimes it is a true struggle to keep them from coloring my worldview. The current book I am reading, the one I mentioned yesterday, The Universe Has Your Back, refers to the Universe as loving and good and supports the idea that pain isn't necessary.
Note: This is an affiliate link from Amazon, of which I could receive compensation. But this is where I guess my bitterness comes in, becomes um, look at the author. She is lovely. Is it even possible we are living lives which could even remotely be related? There was a conversation yesterday, where I mentioned something about not wanting to be liked, I just need to be respected for my brain. Well, of course, that is a lie. Another person stated, "You are such a Ravenclaw, that's what I like about you."
But I felt this sadness. Of course, I want to be liked. Of course, I want to be in on the thick of things. I hate feeling like an outsider. I have just sort of given up on the hope, I guess. In the past I could reconcile myself with the idea that this pain was molding me into a better person and that there was a purpose. And then little-nosed blondie comes along and writes a book saying the pain isn't necessary? The conversation continued and we discussed how a couple Slytherins we know always seem to get what they want so easily. "Well," my coworker said,"They are cute. And petite." And that's it? Whether you get what you want can be boiled down to how aesthetically pleasing your face and form are? That is so disappointing.

And I keep trying to find meaning in that. Of course, when you are lovely and are treated better, you are also going to be sweet and treat others well (for the most part). It creates this vicious cycle (vicious for the less than lovely among us), where we feel unwanted over things we can't control, it pisses us off, and we act unlovely.

But there is not purpose in pain? What does that mean?

So I am struggling with this. The typical outsider feelings-the what to do on Thanksgiving feelings. My desire to belong fights against my feelings of never belonging.
I want this blog to be about positivity and living one's best life, so I have to face this struggle and come to a resolution I can understand and support.

I think, perhaps, it is about giving up the struggle. Accepting what is coming your way, and letting the bitterness seep away with each breath you exhale. Perhaps it is about breathing in with gratitude over what you do have, and not struggling with the idea of what is fair. And part of me, stands there, hand on hips and says slowly, 'Wha-?" It almost sounds like the people sweeping up the jewels of life and gathering them in their overflowing arms as they have parties where they compare the glittering goodies they have taken, are impatiently nodding towards a crushed gem on the floor and saying,"Sweep up that powder for your little purse, and show gratitude for the Universe which knows what is best for you."

But thoughts and feelings are different things. Maybe one drives the other, but one is pure and one is intentional, and I have the power to mold the intentional somewhat. And I guess that is where I make that choice. To let go of bitterness is surrender. It is becoming what they want, so they can gather their goodies without unpleasantness (that is how it feels). It is also a soothing balm to the soul if I change my focus. It is the belief theat everything is going to be okay. The idea that I am receiving exactly what I need.

And sometimes I can step back and just think, "Wow," at the richness of my life. I have a large family and many people can't have families. When Christmastime comes and I see parents of one or two kids struggling to get their kids home for Christmas celebrations, I will be quietly sitting in the family room surrounded by people, several of which I MADE, and enjoying their company. I am female which is a blessing when you are insecure and lonely, because someone will always keep you company, at least when you are younger (I don't know what will happen as I age and crone out on everyone, but I can guarantee I will feel it and write about it) if you desire their company. Now that doesn't mean I just picked up random guys for temporary comfort. I am so picky. But the option was there and that was enough. My brain is good enough I can do most of what I want (theoretical physics aside--but do I really want that? Or I am just intrigued by the romanticized idea of that?) and learn from my mistakes. I still struggle with being naive, but that is a choice on my part to believe most people are good and want what is best and want to be moral and fair. My head may know differently, but my heart just doesn't want to believe that. INFP struggles and all. And I have had amazing experiences, good and bad, which have become part of me. Whispers of fallen-leaved Novembers-past swirl through castles steps I have climbed, and past laughing days with friends and joy. Parties I have chatted happily through, quiet forested paths I have walked, the precious agony of birthing new lives and watching a new soul stumble forth, and sea water I have tasted on different sides of the world, and books which have moulded and shaped me-have tempered the pure wailing red-face soul which came into this world raging at the injustices. And I think, well. The loneliness sucks. But all in all, it is a pretty good ride.





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