Oh, grey day of my soul! Seriously, the world is dark and heavy. I don't mean in that in a "Oh, look at what the powers are doing now!" Not that that shouldn't be looked at-but this is a personal gloom I have entered in. It's been here a week or two and now it is heavy. First of all, I wrecked my car. I wrecked my car at a time when I have no personal savings. I wrecked my car that I am using to supplement my very needed income.
I have not gotten an online job in a year and a half and it HURTS. First of all, the money, obviously. Secondly, I had been teaching math in my online classes, and I LOVED it. Third of all, it's just such a great and different way to interact with kids and their families. I am grieving it beyond the loss of income. It made me happy. So anyway, that is out of my hands, but I had grown dependent on the extra income. And they cut summer school back to one month rather than two a couple of years ago. Another knock to my single parent income. So delivering food had been my lifeline. Our, we can still be somewhat middle class, and make my kids lives fun and good, lifeline. And boom. Just like the embankment I drove down and up, I have slammed quite literally into a cement wall (okay, driveway ) and am without a way to earn extra income.
I am going to be okay, I can juggle, I have some people, and worse case scenario, I can make some choices and do some stuff. Now, though. I am stuck in my house on a cold, cloudy day in January, and I don't know what to do with all this time. Gabe and Alec are napping, Liam is quiet in his room, and loneliness is seriously heavy today. It's kind of weird. I am such an introvert-this should be my dream day, and yet, I sit here feeling like I should be out making money and seeing people in the world. It's gross. I am having flashbacks to the first summer after my ex left (necessary and right for the situation), when I when I would get home from summer school, work on a project and just...be so lonely. I ache for younger kids, and I ache for my grown kids. Two teen boys and a on-the-cusp of nine year old boy aren't the best company for my feminine self. I know Tierney has plans tonight, or I would BEG her to come over. Taryn usually has lots to do, and frankly, I feel like I make her a little uncomfortable. She too is quite introverted, and we are an odd lot, the introverts. Besides, I don't want to ask someone to let me bring them down with me. I just ... will be happy when the sun comes out again.
So I remind myself that these hard times are necessary. Necessary is a strong word-loaded with implications and beliefs which may or many not be true. Perhaps unavoidable is a better word. I guess knowing myself, I have always chosen necessary because I have bought into the idea that there is something more to life-some meaning, which requires our growth and change. So necessary is the idea that we have to weather the bad to stretch ourselves to become more. But on a grey day, it feels just a little unavoidable. Just bad luck that happened, and there is not choice but to deal with it.
I should pick up a book. Of course, now that I don't have a car, I long to go to the library. Ha! I am pretty sure there is a stack of books for my class I need to pick up. Lots of snow and wintery stories for January.
I should try and get my printer working and work on printing things for my class.
Part of me wants to try and get a regular education job again. I like how challenging it is, and I like feeling like I am actually an important player in the school. The pride is strong in me. But, I also like what I do now. I like the kids, and the rhythm, and the freedom, and not having young people mutter things at me, and feeling like a complete failure. I like being left alone by admin. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel amazing, and I feel like I have a lot of learning and growth to do, but a good part of my job is patience and love, which comes easily to me with these kids. It's just very different. Also, when things aren't right, changing jobs is just a great way to throw everything up and let it all fall. What I mean is, it just shakes everything up and opens up new possibilities and opportunities, and experiences. It makes everything exciting again.
I think I need to do more. I have been thinking about going to church again. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat it-my faith is not what it used to be. When I was young, people always commented on how strong my faith was, but it isn't now. I am full of doubts and questions. But what I long for is a group of people who believe there is good and believe they can be the good and who do something about it. I want to be a part of something. So please don't invite me to your conservative bible thumping church-I am happy you have a place to belong, but I don't belong there. But I think there is a place for me. I just need to put on my big girl panties and get myself out there. You know, once I have a car.
I am starting to feel a little better. First of all, my curtains are closed and I am in lamplight. It is making my bedroom feel creamy and warm and cozy.
Maybe I will go watch a show. I tried earlier, but ended up just taking a nap. I am excited to go back to work on Monday. When I do have a car again, I might try and get a parttime job at a library. I think I would enjoy it, and I think I need more time with adults. On the other hand, maybe focusing a little more time at home with my boys is what I need. This mood will pass, right? It probably is just the weather.
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