A Mighty Queen: Christmas Day

Guys! It's been hard this year. I am not sure what is going on. I am not sure if it is the uncharacteristically warm weather, or the fact that I didn't do the proper Christmas lead-up rituals (I never did get around to watching the musical Scrooge movie, It's a Wonderful Life, any Meg Ryan rom-coms, or even a Little House on the Prairie Christmas episode. It just didn't happen for me this year.

Alec is playing along, wink wink grin, about Santa, but I know he knows and now I have no more little children. And it's okay. It's just life, but melancholy is seeping into my bones today. I miss my mother immensely. When this feeling would hit in the past, I would go to her house Christmas night, a brother or two would come over and we would play games and get a little tipsy. That home has been gone for 13 years now and I am just making the best of it. My own grown girls have other people to see and Christmases to hold, and it should be that way. But here I sit with three big boys.

Honestly, I think the problem is we went to visit the kids dad and grandparents today. For years, this was typical Christmas day travel, a drive, a meal, present opening, a walk, a drive home. I had another adult with me. Having not been with Karl since 2021, that romantic link is gone, but there was still an underlying friendship and comfort which is just slipping away now. Everything is different. Last December, the kids' grandpa had a stroke, and though he was home for Christmas, he was very weak and things were much-changed. Over this past year, we have been driving out to see them at their house or meeting them halfway at an arcade for a couple hours. Initially there was talk of when he would feel strong enough to come to Springfield, and it seemed as if he was getting better. But now, I think, this isn't going to happen. I think so many lasts have already occurred for the kids relationship with their grandparents and they do not know it. So I was the cheerful ex-daughter-in-law, happily going along, walking with the kids outside, because the grandparents seemed too tired. His grandpa did manage to pull himself up the few steps to the deck and sit with us a bit. He did not walk to the car to wave us goodbye as usual.

Karl is weaker each time I see him. He is five years younger than me, but his body is weak and he moves as if he were 15 years older. He has tremors from his medicine and he is need of good dental care. It is painful to see. He did get me some thoughtful presents from the market in his small town, the only shopping he really has. I really need to work on teaching Liam to drive. At some point, Karl's parents will be gone and the boys will need to go visit their dad. I don't know if I can be that link forever. I don't know. It's hard.

And it hit me today, each visit could be a last. Of course, that is always a possibility, but now it is becoming a likelihood. This could be the last Christmas meal Maria cooks for us. This could be the last cash-filled envelope they hand the kids. They have already stopped purchasing the little toys and thoughtful gifts. The kids no longer play on the floor of the sunroom with a new toy; their grandparents no longer put up a Christmas tree. I may never sit on the sun-drenched deck while the boys run among the trees, placating their father who is desperately trying to maintain a relationship with them.

It just feels a little sad.

However! All is not lost. The new episodes of Stranger Things are coming out tonight and Gabe and Alec and I have plans! And next week, Tierney and Jake and her kids are coming over to watch the final episode and I am so looking forward to that. I need to plan more game nights, too. There was a streak when they just weren,t working out, and I stopped planning them. But I need to start again. It's worth the effort.

Merry Christmas! Maybe I will watch the shows this weekend, and refill my spirit:o)

How I feel: