Photo by Doyo Hermann on Unsplash
Just kidding, it's probably neither.
I am worn out. My legs toned up so much from all the walking last week, but I am having difficulty keeping it up. It is just so unnatural to walk in Springfield. I like walking with a purpose to get somewhere. But doing so in Springfield is just weird. I would have to cross Campbell street to go to Walmart and there is very little else to go near here. Yes, I could walk the neighborhood or go to the nature center, but that isn't walking with a purpose to me. That's just boring (occasionally it's fine, but every day?).
I feel a little sluggish and guilty for not Ubering last night and this morning. Yes, my brain is tired and needs a little retreat, but I feel the need to pay for all my extravagant spending (extravagant by lower middle class standards that I probably am on one income), and just don't want to. My car is about 3 months overdue for an oil change and I am struggling with 1) allocating the money and 2) dealing with the upsell pressures from the oil change shop.
I have been a little moody-and I hate that. I hate the even keel of not being moody, too. I like it when I feel just on the edge of depth and sensitivity, but not to the point of depression and darker thoughts. It's a tightrope to feel enough to infer meaning, but not so much it seems hopeless. I don't have a lot to look forward to now that my little weekend trip is over, so I need to plan something to add a little anticipation and excitement to my world.
I am a little bored with Christmas. I am trying to eat less sweets, so there is no baking anticipation, and I never am good at anything anyway. I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds, I just struggle in the practical skills department. What I would like to do? Maybe plan a themed Christmas that other people do the hands-on practical labor and skills. But that's not going to happen, and I don't have the funds anyway. I feel like social media push push pushes overdoing everything. I am so burned out with bucket lists and forced excitement. It is starting to make everything feel like a must do and not very authentic anymore. Everything is starting to feel...fake and forced. I am losing belief in everything. And maybe that is okay. Because maybe on the other side is something more meaningful and authentic-I don't know. But right now, it feels like a lot of forced cheer with no real magic in it.
I am not going to achieve the life I wanted and it still burns a little. I thought about going back to school for writing-I need to work on my writing skills, but most writing programs require submission of writing samples and I have kept nothing from college. And I don't even know that any of it was good enough anyway. Some bright middle schoolers write as well as I do. Wanting to do something isn't talent. I want to tumble like Simone Biles, but it isn't going to happen. I know this is a me problem. This is a direction and focus problem, and yet...maybe all this sense of purpose and direction and focus is MADE UP. Maybe we are just primates eeking out an existence and reading way too much into everything. I know this is where people choose to cling to faith, but the majority of the faithful are hateful and blind to their own faults, just as I am to mine (Well, I am selfish, hide my feelings behind untruths, share too much and yet am not open enough, am a little boring, crave stimulation and security simultaneously, can be very hard to please-sometimes deliberately so, I brag too much and have too little to show for it, and my pride is off the rooftops, lazy, and lack of vision---there's a few of my faults). Anyway, whatever. Things that are good about me? I don't know. It's so much harder to tally goodness, isn't it, because we yearn to fix our faults, but our good things (there is a word I can't find-which worries me-my brain worries me in the past few years) seems so common place. My ex used to tell me not everyone thinks and cares like I do, and I don't know if that was a compliment or an insult, especially when I know how petty I can be.
Anyway, this post is a drag, isn't it? Thanks for being my internet therapist couch!
I need to get my house in order. Can the brain be in order when the environment is disorderly? I don't think so. I ordered some cleaning supplies, so I am excited for that. The boys really do destroy things faster than I can keep them up. I know some day they will be gone, so I try to accept that, but I always did yearn for a beautiful home. I need to not get new pets when these are gone. Pets are smelly and destructive. But I do like them and baby pets are so hard to reject. But I have two cats and two dogs and that is more than enough. Shatner doesn't have a lot more time. He is now 13. He may have a couple more years left. I need to have the strength not to replace him, though. I need to think long term.
Welp, all the deep thoughts I imagined sharing with you are not happening, because I am hyperaware that I need to brush my teeth and it is bugging me. Why can't coffee leave a good taste in the mouth?
Have a good one!
Definitely a Hurricane morning.
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