Even though part of me tries to shrug off all the hoopla that comes with the changing of the year, it is impossible not to get a little bit excited about the idea of a fresh start. I think a clean slate which is ready to be written on again, is just something that appeals to us hopeful humans.
I have been thinking about the areas of my life that I struggle with, and the areas I want improve upon. These are non-related to work. Of course, I have things I want to improve upon at work, but this isn't the place for that discussion.
After a lot of thought and soul-searching I can sum up my areas of focus as the following:
Eating healthy
Sticking to a budget
Interpersonal relations
Keeping up my home
These are the areas I want to focus my attention on this year. As far as eating healthy goes, I am trying to move towards a more Mediterranean diet. I may or may not lose weight, but there is simply no excuse for the large intake of sugar in my diet.. Well, it's good. I guess that is the excuse. It will be hard to break away from that easy high of flavorful food, but I am going to have to find other ways to release some good hormones.
I am starting off the year by keeping track of my spending in a separate planner. I think I am bleeding a lot of cash to areas which don't really represent my values. This area will be hard, since it is so easy to spend money online and those little trips to Walgreens and Walmart for necessities add up quickly.
Interpersonal relations! It's a struggle for me. I want to work on this area. This includes improving my interactions with others through better social skills and taking small chances that put me outside of my comfort zone. I have a lot of anxiety in this area. When I felt like someone didn't like and/or was trying to get me emotionally riled up in the recent past, I used my newly found skills to not be paranoid, told myself it was silly, and got subsequently got burned. I have to learn to balance both my intuition and my trust in others. It won't be easy!
And keeping up my home is an oldie for. me. Mostly I am referring to keeping it tidy and clean and keeping up with basic repairs. I tend to stress out tremendously over my homemaking skills and the feeling that I am not good enough. So I plan to give myself some grace, meeting myself where I am, and simply improve upon my routines. I am not in competition with YouTube Moms or the stay-at-home mom down the street, or even the working family next door, whose youngest child is 13. I am only trying to better own situation.
These are my areas of focus for the year. Expect to see detailed blogs regarding how exactly this is affecting my life itself.
I have had an all=encompassing slight obsession with Myers-Briggs testing and similar tests for years. The first test I heard about was an archetypal type with three tiers. Honestly, it was part of a group my first husband found online with bulletin boards or chats or something. This was twenty years ago and all very vague now. It wasn't hard to see which types were considered best and to quickly adjust an answer or to in order to get that result.
Incidently, I just took this test, The Jungian Archetype Test, and both my self and persona results came out as The Hero, which is "Strong and perseverant with boundless ambition." Okie-Dokie!
Anyway, in the early years of testing, I was in college and excited about all the new ideas in the world. Making a difference and using my brain to do something amazing. Learning and big ideas. Back then I usually tested as an INFP or INTP, with an occasional ENFP. I think most can agree, I am not extraverted. Most people bore me to tears. The right people raise my energy, but not just anyone can do that. I do not say that with an air of superiority. The most fascinating people are people who find the gem within others and find the OTHERS fascinating. I acknowledge other people may bore me because *I* am boring.
I always assumed I could not be the dreaded ISFJ because, well that is the mom of the group-the boring and mundane with a splash of mushy emotion. Also an ISFJ would have a neat and tidy house right? She'd pack amazing lunches and sit and think about what is best for her family all the time. And she wouldn't like impromptu road trips at the last minute. Nope, I am much cooler and spontaneous than that, right?
However, upon further thought, I think I may very well be that dull person. I am obviously introverted. I have been known to go in the other room at my own gatherings, just for some peace. Sensing over intuition is the hard one. Anyone familiar with MBTI knows that intuitives think they are some sort of Gods who have won the game of life and are brimming with extraordinariness. But truthfully- there is a fine line between infp and infj, in that they are both considered "super-feelers." Our first natural reaction is to think about how we feel about the situation unfolding. This leads to problems, especially at work, where thinking about your personal feelings about something can come across as a little immature. Well, thinking about it is fine, I guess. But talking about it and acting on it, not so much. As a sincere personality, however, it can be hard to hide those feelings behind indifference or white lies. Although-I have been known to say stupid lies, like totally opposite of what I wanted when scared and wanting to hide (telling my high school crush I didn't want kids-of course I did, pretending I didn't like history to another guy even though it has always been one of my favorite subjects and I went into MSU AS a history major-I am just really stupid with guys and say dumb things). And finally the P versus J. I always thought I was P and spontaneous. Struggling to keep house is hard for me. However...I think I might be J. I am never late if it is up to me (or if anxiety isn't forcing me to choose to be late-like the saying stupid things, anxiety in a work or social situation can push me into self-destructive behaviors). I WANT a clean house. I would NOT feel the least bit upset if I cleaned for an hour or two a day to get that clean house, however, I can't seem to make myself do that. Whether it is a touch of ADHD or just lack of structured training in how to keep house, I just struggle with it. Well, and the fact that you do something...and have to do it again and again. It makes
I know it has been awhile since I have written on this platform. I felt as if my desire for growth was being pushed down. I was just hanging on for long while.
I have started reading Gabby Berstein's new book, Happy Days. My first thought when I read about the book was, "Oh, I don't need that book. That's for people with real trauma." Reading it, though, I am aware that trauma isn't always a big one time event. It can be a series of things that make us feel unsafe or not in control of our bodies. And when put that way, there has been a lot of trauma.
So I am reading through that and doing the writings. I am not expecting a huge light bulb moment, Like, "Aha! This event is why I am the way I am." But I have been thinking a lot of and a lot of "I wonder why" moments are coming up.
Now Gabby herself discusses a lot of therapy that sounds a bit woowoo to me. If she has the money and inclination for it, good for her, but I want something a little earthier and preferably one I can do myself. However, I was thinking maybe there is healing in saying things out loud, so next time I have some time alone at home, I will do that.
Another Easter is in the books. From the magical hopefulness of a childhood Easter imbued with joy and excitement to the anticipation of a Easter as a young parent to whatever it is I am now.
It's been a dreary day. I can take a little dreariness sometimes. But there are days when I just WANT the sun to shine. There is a coolness in the air, and after running around outside for 30 minutes or so, Liam ran in with a nasty case of hives. He is allergic to cold air, although it is also spring and pollen exists in the world. So, he's been dosed with Benadryl, and I sit looking out my window. The screen is patched. I try to look past the imperfections to my neighbors purple flowering trees. I desperately want some lilac bushes and a couple dwarf apple trees. I never got them in when Karl was here, and now I face having to do it myself. Shudder. Not this year.
I guess this is the first year I have been alone at Easter. Of course my kids are here. I know I should have made an effort. I should have invited people, but honestly, I have trouble rallying when my pocketbook is empty. We did have an AMAZING chuck roast. Since Karl moved out over a year ago, we haven't really enjoyed much roast or steak, so it was a great treat. I broke the rest up and made barbeque beef, but I made the crazy decision to start eating Keto last night, so I can't have the barbeque sauce. Taryn dropped by to see the boys, which was nice, but she is a vegetarian, so there wasn't much point invited her to our one pot meat and vegetable meal.
So I am feeling down. This is evident. My confidence is meh, my excitement is nonexistent. But...I've lived long enough to know I don't have to take the road to despair. I just need to sit tight and let the wave wash over me, which it will, and the sun will come out tomorrow. Maybe not literally tomorrow, but you know. It looks as if the end of the week will warm up, which is what I really need. Just some warm air on my skin and a hint of sunshine on my face.
Change is inevitable. As soon as everything has a place and the weather is fair, it seems as if we are blown off course. Sometimes this is of our own doing, but often it is imposed on us from without. Maintaining grace and dignity during times of unwanted change can be difficult. There is that book, Who Moved My Cheese?, which highlights how one might approach unwanted change. You can rant and rail or you can accept.
We all have different tolerance levels for change. Some people want things to remain the same, whereas others enjoy self-initiated change. Then there are those individuals who believe they have a vision and want to make change happen. I am a mix of the first two. I don't need to really be a mover and shaker. I don't enjoy making decisions, or telling others what to do (and thus forcing change upon them), but I am not too fond of having to live out others' idea of the way things should be. I just want to do my thing.
The hardest thing about my current job is the change from year to year. Although it has remained fairly stable (once I got out of most of those coteaching classes by being the WORST coteacher ever - in all fairness, I had no idea how to coteach and assumed the teacher didn't want me there any more than I wanted to be there. I realize now, I missed out on the opportunity for some good companionship), there is always the chance that someone else will talk their way into my classes or I will get stuck in a random coteaching class with someone I am not interested in getting to know. It stresses me out EVERY SINGLE spring, wondering what the next year will look like, because I really care about how my day shapes up. Whereas I played with the idea of being someone who can make that choice, it was really just play. There are just so many details I don't care about, don't want to care about, and thoughts I would rather allocate my brain cells to than caring about things I really don't think make a difference. We all want our lives to matter, and I would hate pretending to care just for prestige and more control of my day. I want my life to matter, and chasing someone else's dream is not the key to that (I do tend to get very excited about other people's dreams and try them on for awhile).
So I have a new job coming up next year. I would like to say that this was a conscious choice, but it has really been about running away from discomfort of the forced changes. I would rather CHOOSE to change than have it forced upon me. This is just the first year I have been hired. And part of me is like, what are you doing girl? You like what you do. I like my classes, I enjoy the shallow work acquaintances and Howdy Hos! in the hall. I like starting early and my day ending soon. I like the respect one gets a teacher at a high school as compared to lower levels. But...the way everything fell into place-the feeling in my gut that this job was mine- this is a sign, I believe. Oh the strong, resolute thinkers will say there are no signs. You just go out and get what you want. But...they are wrong, naturally. When things fall into place with little effort, pushing and planning-that is a sign.
But I am scared. I am not sure what I am going into. I am not sure what my day will look like. I am not sure how much time I will be coteaching, as I didn't even think to ask. I don't know who my co-teachers will be or how the administration will behave. I am searching for buddies and after-work friends, and going into a smaller a pool-a pool where many young teachers start as they wait for that high school job) may not be the key to finding friends.
For the past several years, I have been pushing myself towards becoming a person of goals. A person with a to-do list done, checked boxes and self-horn tooting included. I have been reading books on being more successful and more corporate (as a woman somehow you have to magically balance warmth with seriousness-good luck), how to check progress and get ever closer to being a successful person. However, I always find myself slipping up, falling back, gaining and losing the same 15 pounds. I get bored behaving at work, and just want to let my silly side show. I have personal issues which continue to interfere with my relationships with others (Queen of throwing people off track by not letting them know what I really think? Check!). And I just find myself wondering-am I trying to fit myself into the Western mode of being a workaholic drone without really considering what it is I want out of life?
Long ago--perhaps in my late teens or early 20s, I decided it was just enough to BE. I just wanted to exist, enjoy my kids, revel in the early dawn hours, and live the simple life. Circumstances however, later dictated that I must GO OUT AND EARN A LIVING, and that has really thrown off all that I ever tried to be. Somehow I had to balance being a mature grown up with my desire to go lie on my bed and fantasize about a favorite fictional character. I had to try and convince people I was worthy and intelligent, when my way of relating to people outside the home is through silliness and trying to make them laugh. Perhaps we all want that. I have no desire to tell others what do or control them. However, I sure as heck don't want them telling me what to do. Isn't shared space enough? Anyway, I have come to the realization that maybe I am dumb. Not school dumb. I am an underachiever in school, but I have taken enough college courses to at least know how stack up with other people at the distinguished "elite" Missouri State University.;oP. I have learned to accept that my ideas are as good as others, it just takes a whole long time for me to dig through the muck of feelings and impressions and half-formed thoughts, and by then, everyone has moved on. Whatever. I am slow. There is a surety in slow-thinking (not to be confused with decision-making-which requires a certain unwillingness to reconsider discarded options-something I am still working on). Actually I think the healthier I become, the less I think overall, and the more I just exist. And the truth is, it doesn't really matter.
Ticket to nowhere?
My career is going nowhere. In fact, it can't really be called a career. It is a job. There is nowhere to move up and on. I have no desire to make decisions for other able-bodied adults, nor do I wish to labor intensely enough to perfect my paperwork to the point of moving "up." Is sitting at a desk correcting IEP paperwork really moving "up?" Nope. And that's fine. I enjoy connecting with kids most days. I want to help them do better and try harder. But let's not call it a career.
In an ideal world, my words would be amazing enough that people would desire to read them-would wade through ads to read them and I could make a living that way. Or if I must, I would have braved the counseling degree so I could become a career counselor. I used to memorize the college course books and all the paths and the classwork and internships which would take people "somewhere." That would have been a good path. But it required a 2 year degree in counseling, I just felt the counseling admissions would look in my eyes, see my brokenness, and stamp a big red NOPE with a red box (for emphasis, of course) around it on top.
Of course, there is always becoming an astronaut. Why do we allow kids to think they actually have such options. Why aren't we honest and say, "Hey, that's for the 140+ IQ elites, who probably have connections, and can handle military training (I just can't do push ups)." Why do we pretend kids can have amazing lives, when most of us are just going to have jobs. No, I said that wrong. We can have amazing LIVES. We just can't all have amazing careers. And the truth is, I don't have a burning desire for answers. I just want to experience space. I am much less deep than I like to pretend.
Let's Focus, Please
So I am getting off track. Goals. I have been thinking about how setting goals doesn't work for me. I mean, I used to set goals with the praxis tests. I will get X teaching certification. I'd pay the fee, take the test, add on the certification until one day I realized--I was just reliving the test prep anxiety the years and years of schooling had engrained into my skin. I had just become accustomed to that anxious feeling of proving myself, proving myself, feeling good, and then ... nothing. Nothing comes of it. I was just stuck in the pattern of schoolthink. I guess I am doing the same things with those Wordle games. Just proving to myself I have a brain cell or two banging around in there. What do you get when two brain cells bang? A synapse. Ahahahaha.
And now I am thinking, what if I just want to come home wrap in a blanket, sip a cup of hot tea (LOLOL, y'all know it's coffee), and stare at the everchanging cloud formations in the western sky. Does that make me less than?
What's Happening Now? Why?
Am I finally getting over the middle-aged hump and returning to my Zen roots? Is this just some excerpt from a near-death-experience book rearing its head inside my head (I love that stuff). I read an interesting article on the Forbes website, by Jennifer Cohen, The Most Successful People Don't Set Goals. In this article, it was suggested that rather than setting goals, it might be more prudent and effective to set intentions. And I love that thought. I can't lose a pound today, but I can set the intention of eating healthily. I can't change the world or turn a student's life around, or suddenly start liking someone I am secretly hoping will be swallowed by a hole in the ground (sorry, it's the devil inside that makes me think such things), but I can set the intention of being more present, or making someone feel valued, or looking for the good in the person who really needs to be swallowed (come on, Mother Earth, do your thing!).
And the amazing thing about intentions is they can easily change. Today I intend to eat healthy, tomorrow I intend to live life fully. They can be short-term or long term. They are easy ways to become your better self without a checklist and time limit. And I love that.
So Anyway
I had much more to say, but I feel a cold trying to get under my skin and my body at the breaking point. I am tired. The kids are staying with their big sister in an hour and as much as I desire to get out (Barnes and Noble and Renaissance books), I also strongly desire to take my two little single serving Cabernets and curl up with a comfort movie ( I have been craving rewatching Sherlock-I JohnLock SO HARD, but I would have to pay now that it is off Netflix-gross), and just going to sleep early.
We shall see. My intention was to say something with depth and clarity-well, there is always tomorrow.
I only have a minute. I was just excited as I started my slam journal today and wanted to share. U am using the mass book, which was given to me on my trip to Ireland.
