Christmas Day

 

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

Guys! It's been hard this year. I am not sure what is going on. I am not sure if it is the uncharacteristically warm weather, or the fact that I didn't do the proper Christmas lead-up rituals (I never did get around to watching the musical Scrooge movie, It's a Wonderful Life, any Meg Ryan rom-coms, or even a Little House on the Prairie Christmas episode. It just didn't happen for me this year. 

    Alec is playing along, wink wink grin, about Santa, but I know he knows and now I have no more little children. And it's okay. It's just life, but melancholy is seeping into my bones today. I miss my mother immensely. When this feeling would hit in the past, I would go to her house Christmas night, a brother or two would come over and we would play games and get a little tipsy. That home has been gone for 13 years now and I am just making the best of it. My own grown girls have other people to see and Christmases to hold, and it should be that way. But here I sit with three big boys. 

    Honestly, I think the problem is we went to visit the kids dad and grandparents today. For years, this was typical Christmas day travel, a drive, a meal, present opening, a walk, a drive home. I had another adult with me. Having not been with Karl since 2021, that romantic link is gone, but there was still an underlying friendship and comfort which is just slipping away now. Everything is different. Last December, the kids' grandpa had a stroke, and though he was home for Christmas, he was very weak and things were much-changed. Over this past year, we have been driving out to see them at their house or meeting them halfway at an arcade for a couple hours. Initially there was talk of when he would feel strong enough to come to Springfield, and it seemed as if he was getting better. But now, I think, this isn't going to happen. I think so many lasts have already occurred for the kids relationship with their grandparents and they do not know it. So I was the cheerful ex-daughter-in-law, happily going along, walking with the kids outside, because the grandparents seemed too tired. His grandpa did manage to pull himself up the few steps to the deck and sit with us a bit. He did not walk to the car to wave us goodbye as usual. 

    Karl is weaker each time I see him. He is five years younger than me, but his body is weak and he moves as if he were 15 years older. He has tremors from his medicine and he is need of good dental care. It is painful to see. He did get me some thoughtful presents from the market in his small town, the only shopping he really has. I really need to work on teaching Liam to drive. At some point, Karl's parents will be gone and the boys will need to go visit their dad. I don't know if I can be that link forever. I don't know. It's hard.

    And it hit me today, each visit could be a last. Of course, that is always a possibility, but now it is becoming a likelihood. This could be the last Christmas meal Maria cooks for us. This could be the last cash-filled envelope they hand the kids. They have already stopped purchasing the little toys and thoughtful gifts. The kids no longer play on the floor of the sunroom with a new toy; their grandparents no longer put up a Christmas tree. I may never sit on the sun-drenched deck while the boys run among the trees, placating their father who is desperately trying to maintain a relationship with them.

    It just feels a little sad. 

    However! All is not lost. The new episodes of Stranger Things are coming out tonight and Gabe and Alec and I have plans! And next week, Tierney and Jake and her kids are coming over to watch the final episode and I am so looking forward to that. I need to plan more game nights, too. There was a streak when they just weren,t working out, and I stopped planning them. But I need to start again. It's worth the effort. 

Merry Christmas! Maybe I will watch the shows this weekend, and refill my spirit:o)

How I feel:

How I want to feel:

A Week Off-Long Awaited

   

Photo by David Stamm on Unsplash

  We have been informed that next year, we will only have the typical Wed/Thursday/Friday break for Thanksgiving, but for this year, we have the whole week. And it is delightful. The weather is quite Novembery today-damp, grey, cool, but not cold. This is Southern Missouri, you know. I awoke quite early, around four, and delivered food for a few hours. After that, I came home and was suddenly very tired. I think the food delivery all weekend finally caught up with me. And now, I am slowly working on straightening the library for Thanksgiving. It's pretty straight, floor swept, but with three boys in the house nothing lasts for too long. I have been sitting near the faux fireplace heater when I am too cool and then away when I am too warm. It's never just right, is it?

    My thoughts have been peaceful-a discovery of self. Or a rediscovery. At times when I am too stressed, I feel fragile, flippery (is that a word?-I feel it), outside the world and odd. When I am relaxed, I feel fine. I know I need to build relationships, but I am okay as it is. Sometimes, driving around, delivering food alone, I come to all the conclusions, and I understand it all, but it slips away before I can share. I think it all boils down to not learning healthy boundaries, not being safe talking about feelings growing up, and not being taught how to deal appropriately with strong feelings. 

    As a parent, I wanted to do so much better, but I know I didn't talk about feelings enough either. I sort of thought maybe if we all just kept our chin up, it would all work out. 

    Eh, well. It's a process, I suppose. I think the real strength is not in unbridled optimism, but in the knowledge that even if it doesn't work out like we planned-we will get through it. 

    Anyway, there's much more to the journey, but it doesn't all need to be shared. Sometimes I wish I had learned so many lessons so many years ago, and perhaps that is what a good therapist can help someone do, but you know me. I'd rather take the long way and buy something fun with my money. 

    Work is fine. It isn't easy, but it is fine. Sometimes it is boring, but let's be honest. Everything is boring sometimes. Sometimes I thought about teaching math and new classes coming in and out all day and I wondered if I was up for that the rest of my life. I knew I wasn't feeling it for cross-cat. At least in my room, I get to make my schedule, teach a wide variety, and do things my way. As it is, I am slowly adding more. I know I could do much better and much more, but my brain will lock everything out, refuse to do something new until, somehow, it loosens, and clarity and understanding wash over me, and I can see and add something new. I simply cannot force myself to learn/change until that chemical wash floods my brain. I really can't describe it. Does anyone else feel this?

    I really long for a warm, cozy, fisherman sweater, tweedy, menswear-inspired wardrobe this fall. I am not buying clothes this fall, but it is what I want. 

    My backyard fence needs repaired. I am waiting someone to volunteer-name their price. It is hard always asking for help. No, not hard. Just discouraging when noone wants to help. 

    I am eager to travel somewhere. But, bills first. I haven't really been entertaining the idea of travel, because I want to pay down my debts. Then I can focus on the fun. For now, so much else exists to derive pleasure from. The rushing warmth of morning coffee. The joy of a payment hitting my account. A meal the kids enjoy. A good YouTube video, and snuggling into bed at night. All of these bring their own magic to an ordinary day.

    I do want to shop. I want to find the perfect item which holds the essence of the feeling of .... something...I crave. Some lifestyle, some dream. Something magical that puts the pieces together and ties a bow on the top. 

    I really must visit a cozy New England lighthouse on a stormy, blustery day soon. I think that is a reasonable thing to expect. Cozy candles in lighted windows, and white curtained paned windows promising warmth and companionship. This is what I need. 

November-oh month of joy!

       Okay, the title may be a little over the top. I do always love a good November day, however. I probably depart from Anne on this...I am not sure Anne would love a November day. But to me, the wet, the grey, the fallen leaves, all represent something-something beautiful. I think nostalgia is wrapped up in a November day. It's been a challenging couple of weeks. Two weeks ago, I got such a bad cold, and then last week-while still somewhat sick, I hurt my back. Not sure how I hurt it-stretching, restraint, moving classroom furniture, or maybe a combination of the three, but it has hurt for a week now. It is now getting better-I was able to Uber after work today for the first time in days. I still have to brace myself when moving from sitting to standing-taking on my weight to stand is painful, but otherwise, I think I am on the mend. 

      I do have one major looming problem-I have no regular coffee grounds in the house for tomorrow. Which means I will have to out with my car before I have a cup of coffee, in order to get a cup of coffee. I know-scary, right?

    Entertainment-wise, I have been enjoying season 2 of Maxton Hall. I mean it has its element of unbelievable, but it is still nice to watch.

     This is the first Christmas in a while that I feel very behind on shopping. I have just been so broke this year. It's not the most pleasant way to live, always juggling this and that, but what can I do? I have been unable to keep up with the housework much over the past couple of weeks and I am really hoping I am well enough this weekend to straighten and clean the place up.  

    My job is weird. I never see anyone. I see the same few teachers in the hall, but I don't have a lot of time to chat. There is always so much to do. I don't go to meetings with the other sped teachers-I don't even know all their names. But whatever. People usually get on my nerves anyway. 

    I thought I had more to say, apparently not.

     

A Second and Happier Post

 

                                    Photo by Luke McKeown on Unsplash

It was spring of 1993. My husband and I drove to Hampton Beach in New Hampshire. The weather was warmly cool and ocean breezy. I walked out on an outcropping of rocks stretching into the sea. I was wearing a new outfit. To my 19-year-old self it felt so perfectly Atlantic oceany. White denim shorts-not too short, a v-neck thick white cardigan, and a raw silk tank in a perfect deep sea foam. My shoes were white keds-with the little blue tag on the back-my first pair of shoes with branding on them (well, I think I might have had a pair of Nikes in 5th grade). 

The waves crashed up and ocean spray rained upon me. It was perfect. 

A couple months later my mom would visit with my brother, stepfather, and stepsister, and we would taste the fresh fried scallops from the vendor. Deliciously hot. 

There was a rumor that people who drove alone on Pali Highway in Oahu might look in the rear view mirror and find they were not actually alone. I always found the night breezes through the palm trees rather eerie. I don't think I ever drove Pali Highway Eastward alone. Driving home from my Trigonometry course at Leeward Community College at night had its own moments of eerieness, however. I only went to college one semester in Hawaii, but it was a successful venture. My composition instructor asked to use my research paper as her example for the next semester, my world religions web page turned out good (thanks to my husband's coding-though we couldn't get the java to work right), and Trigonometry kept me busy many an afternoon, sitting on the swing working and erasing, working and erasing while the kids played nearby. 

But nights  in the dark had a quality. When Brian worked swings and mids our first year there, going to sleep, even on base was so scary. I guess part of it was my young age and belief in supernatural things. The young are so believing. I grew accustomed to it. The wild loneliness-not wild like the mountains, but different. The isolation was real, but different. Even near the airport (we lived on an airbase next to the Honolulu airport), you could feel the vastness of the ocean all around. We were just a dot in the great large dark water. 

When I would get Tierney and Caleb to sleep and Brian was there, I would slip out for a walk around the "big block." The moon was brighter and whiter there. The stars were lovely. The scent of plumeria was intoxicating. I would hurry home, sneaking up on Brian, who had a tendency to chat it up with other women online. Looking back he was so wrong, but I also could have loved more. I always had my guard up. But we could talk until the the small hours of the morning, which is something I could never do with anyone else. I do miss that. 

When Tierney, Caleb, and Taryn were young in Missouri, and they spent several weeks with their dad in the summer, I fancied myself a budding astronomer. I would get up early (because that's how I roll-always), and have a sweet mango for breakfast. I'd walk up to Missouri State some days and learn General Chemistry 2. Not a premed gal-I only got a B, it's so hard for me to get motivated, but still longing for the stars. I would come home and make a lean cuisine, Enchilada Suiza (?) I think was my favorite, topped with a handful of romaine and hot sauce. For dinner, a slab of salmon, dripping rich with sizzling fatty skin and a handful of blueberries. Then when the sun would go down, I would grab my binoculars and head out to the yard, to see the stars would show me. I had such hope for my life. 

I think if my life had themes or rather...what is that word that I am searching for? Motif? It would be morning coffee, stacks of books, fiction when I was younger, but more nonfiction later-because the internet ruined my concentration. Stargazing, but never really getting good enough to know the constellations. Always hopeful-grasping at the idea or essence of something I could never quite reach. 

Today's  my mother's birthday. I miss her, and I know she misses me, too.

I really just want to be wealthy, living in a big metropolitan city, soaking in the lights, the sounds, the life. Is that too much to ask?

I'm Fine, but Time to Whine

                                                           Photo by Sajad Nori on Unsplash

I haven't been writing much. What is there to say?

The whole of my life can be summed up by loneliness and a strong desire to be alone...except when I don't want to be alone. 

It's funny how the same things affect me year after year. What changes is how I view what is happening. Who is/is not to blame. 

As I have said before, I learned in my forties that I am often the problem. So much of my life, I was caught up in this idea that it was everyone else and I was being mistreated-I was the victim. That is not to say I am just a bad person who deserves a bad life. I just realize, I am who I am. I feel like I learned so many really important lessons late. Maybe too late. Because as I have also said, knowing may be half the battle-but...it's just half the battle. It isn't the tools, the guts, the energy to go out and fix. 

I am lonely.

I am still heartbroken over not teaching math. I know I wasn't teacher of the year. I know the kids didn't like me much. I know I had a lot of room for growth. But I was finally challenged and wanting to grow. I wanted to be successful. I miss teaching slope, and equations, and graphing so much. If I could change any decision in the past year, it would have been to just say no when the principal asked if I was willing to switch to family and consumer science. My second choice would be to just stick with family and consumer science. It would have been fine. 

I just knew I would become more of the outsider than I was. I would be pushed out of the 8th grade teacher group, that I was already just a fringe member of, and on top of that, I would be in the same hall and I would have to see them being all friendly without me. It would be a lot for my rejection sensitive soul to bear. So at first, moving back to sped made sense. I liked the sped staff. I would move downstairs and could pretend I wasn't being pushed away (or rather, just forgotten). But...then I just felt this despair and anger towards the principal because she KNEW I wanted to teach math and she just didn't want me to. She wanted my math skills teaching sped math and I HAVE ALWAYS disliked teaching sped math. Always. So here I am. 

Don't get me wrong, I like my job. I like the kids; I like being in charge of my schedule. I like not having to do some of the more stupid stuff teachers have to do. I am not a huge fan of being kicked and punched and having to restrain kids. I don't like having to try and come up with lessons ranging from Kindergarten to fifth grade. I don't like not knowing what I am supposed to do with the students with multiple disabilities who are nonverbal and hardly move. They don't really teach this stuff in college. 

I hate writing IEPs. They are so mindnumbingly dull.

My paras are great, but one is moving away after first semester, another is pregnant, and wants to stay home with the baby, and the other just wants to leave because her daughter is going to high school next year. And they are all conservative. I stay out of their political discussions, but sometimes I think they know. 

November has settled in and the darkening afternoons are depressing me. I know when Christmas kicks in, it will be a little better. I am just so danged lonely. 

I keep thinking how can I fix it? How can I fix the loneliness. Go to church? I just struggle with consistent beliefs. Especially now that the Christian Right has turned into Nazilike zombies, I am just over it. I thought Jesus was supposed to change your heart--these people are hateful. 

I could go to book club at the library. I asked a couple people about joining one last year, but I wasn't wanted. Well. I probably would have been too shy to go. They have dinner clubs for women in town. I could maybe do that. 

I hardly get out of my room at work-I can barely take a conference, but once or twice a week. I guess I could force one, but I would need to leave my room because there would be kids in there, and I feel such a sense of responsibility. It's hard to leave. I rarely talk to people at work, though they seem kind enough.

But that's the thing. Why bother? People seem eager to get to know me and then it just fades away. Time and time again. It has to be me. I am too boring. Too self-centered. Too selfish. Too paranoid. Too protective of my self. Obviously the fear is I have borderline personality disorder, but if I do, I think it is on the mild side. I think of my friend Christy in high school, who more clearly had BPD. She would swallow pills after a fight with her boyfriend and tried to run another exboyfriend off the road. I am not there. I am a little more self aware than that. But I do shut down and lock people out and some part of them wants to them to know and feel a little bit of pain for not loving me. I suppose people can pick up on that. 

I always did say the wrong thing. Or it was wrong when I said it, maybe. Anyway, it's fine. It is just the dark early evenings getting to me. Tomorrow will be better. 

There was so much more to say. Perhaps a second, happier post is in order. 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes...They are Afoot

 And I am sad. I guess a grieving process is normal. I woke up without malice, completely accepting of the whole crappy year I have had, and then that is when the Universe offered another door. That tends to be how it works, I suppose. I am not thrilled about working until 4:30 next year. I probably won't be able to tutor. I haven't had much luck in getting online jobs-which sucks, because I LOVE working online. When I volunteered to change jobs, I overlooked those little things. Oh well. What's done is done. I would rather make decisions quickly because I AGONIZE over them otherwise, and I still second-guess myself. So why not just make a quick rational decision and deal with the emotional fallout later, because it will happen regardless.

A new school. New people. A new job. I am a bit nervous. I want to start NOW so I am not too overwhelmed when the kids show up. I am sad that I didn't make a bigger impact at Hickory. I may just be a back-of-the-room, behind the scenes kind of person. I kind of hate that. That isn't who I want to be, but alas social anxiety.

I am still praying for an online job for evenings and weekends, and I will also do tutoring, but if not, I'll figure something out. 

Looking forward. I will be happy when everything is official and I can get into my room and work.

The loneliness is pressing in tonight. It will be okay. 

Summer Pain in the Membrane

 I am sad. I am sad. I am sad. What am I, everybody? Right. Sad.

God. I am struggling. My pool is green. The late July storm, the uneven yard, the boys have been so rough on the pool. It has a slow leak, just like the GD front drivers side tire on my car (and I bought all new tires in March!).

How, how, how am I going to do this job? How am I going to show up and face all these people I don't trust and who don't have faith in me every day and maintain a good attitude? How am I going to be an assistant to the new hire who got my job? The principal flat out told me she wanted a deep male voice managing the 8th grade math class and then hired a woman. So it was always me. I was the failure. How am I going to be nice when I am humiliated, devastated, and so publicly a complete failure? I mean, obviously, I have to be nice, I have to work, but for the first time I had a job that wasn't mindnumbingly dull and I failed at it. I just feel so sad. My j button isn't working and I have to pound it 2 or 3 times to get it to work. So I am throwing myself into planning how to decorate my tiny classroom, because what else do I have, and I can't focus on one thing. I decided on the cozy collection from Schoolgirl Style, but I bought the print at home version and the browns keep using up all the yellow ink. I keep ending up with pink rather than neutral copies. I have already gone through 2 color ink cartridges. Then I ended up buying woodland type stuff on temu for the class. WTH? It won't even match. I just keep shopping away my pain and I am so broke, my credit score is low, low, low, and I still have to pay to have the 1/4 of a big old tree that fell on the fence and into the neighbor's yard cut. I HAVE NO MONEY. 

And on top of it all, I forgot. I can't remember what I was going to say. The on top of it all suggests something big, haha. 

Oh man. I want to go camping and travel. But I am afraid of both the man AND the bear. I don't wanna be eaten by a grizzly in the Rockies, nor do I want some sadistic guy messing up my camping trip. I ache to be married again, but experience suggests it's not a good idea. Plus I really have zero sex drive at this point. Menopause is good for something I guess. I don't know why people complain so much. It's kind of freeing. I am not officially in it yet, but far enough along. I guess if I had someone I liked enough the sex drive might come back. Who knows? Who even cares? Dorothy Boyd was so right in Jerry Maguire. A bath, a good book. Well, she was complaining, I think, but I am not. But still, I want to camp. There should be an escort service where you can just hire a well-vetted man to travel and camp with your family and do the heavy lifting. Build the fire and sit around it. We don't have to talk=most things people say are so obvious anyway. That'd be nice. Eh well, I probably can't afford the gas and my car has 191k miles already.

The hard part for me is hiding my feelings. People will ask are you excited? I don't like to lie. It's inappropriate to tell the truth. And honestly. It will be fine. It will all be fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. At least the Sped staff are good people. Almost every sped teacher I have met has been down to earth and pretty decent as far as humanity goes. Can't say that for everyone. 

Update-whoop-de-doo

 I realize after my last post, I have said nothing. 

Here's what happened. My principal said, No, I can't do FACS at this point. I am beyond sad. I feel like I blew my one chance. I was told by the principal at the Elementary that I had the ISC job pending references, but then he called me back and said he had an ISC teacher, but I could do cross-cat. This was after I had already wrapped my head around ISC, was learning and making plans, and looking at new purchases for things my classroom would need. I  also hadn't interviewed for Cross-cat, so I had no idea about the caseload or any details. I turned it down. I was still hopeful I would get another job, but noone even interviewed me. I am so disappointed. I feel like such a failure.

So now, I have no choice but to man up do this year of coteaching cross cat math, even though it doesn't appeal to me, because ultimately, I did make this choice (during a bad week). And the reg ed math job DID open up here, because a teacher is leaving, and noone asked if I was interested, and I feel like my whole career is a wash and I am disgusted with myself, even though it all pretty much pays the same. I mean I knew they wouldn't ask, but still. I guess I was really really really bad at it. I mean, I took math through Calc 3 for what? What a waste.  I am on the verge of a deep depression, but I know I just need to suck it up, and stop thinking and feeling and go on autopilot. Sometimes that is the only way to survive. It's fine. It will all be fine. 

The loser, 

Jill

:o). Do NOT give me hug emojis. I can handle this, and if I can't, well, that's all good, too.

It's really all okay. Don't let my strong words stress you out-the truth is what it is and I can handle sucking. ;o). It does all pay the same. I am just going to have to change my own attitude-because...that's all I have right now:o). Hahaha. FWP for SURE.

Decision Paralysis

 I have struggled with difficulty making decisions since teenagerhood. It probably started in high school with my teacher vs. nurse vs. accountant dilemma. Sure, I wanted to do romantic things like be a writer or astronaut or doctor, but I do have an ounce or two of realism about me and bills need to be paid. I really just wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. It pains me to say that-because I know a lot of it is hype, even my grandma had to work-life wasn't always a Norman Rockwell painting for everyone, but being heavily influenced by Little House on the Prairie and other such romantic fantasies (because let's be honest, it's a cleaned-up, fictionalized world written for children-not nonfiction), I just longed for the simple life. 

Anyway, I think where I went wrong was a) romanticizing the world and b) not living enough and settling down too soon. I don't regret it-I wouldn't have had the experiences I did and my kids, but I see where it has led to a lifetime of finding me because so much of me was spread around to others so soon. And that's okay-in the past there weren't opportunities to find one's self. You got married, worked at home or somewhere, and did what you had to do to survive until death. We are lucky to live in the modern world where we can chase dreams.

Going back to college in my late 20s was hard. I wanted to learn about everything, a little (I guess I am a generalist), but I also had kids to figure out how to support. I changed majors 50 zillion times (officially, 7, but the HOURS I poured over the college catalog-man, I loved that thing with all the possibilities and opportunities). I would LOVE to work as a career counselor in college helping students, but alas, I am old and too tired to start over and I think you need a master's in counseling, and that's just gross. They'd probably make me talk about my real feelings and not this cleaned-up version. 

Anyhoo, my master's degree search was more of the same: Officially Elementary education, MBA, English Education Teaching, Master's of Geospatial Science, Master's of Public Admin., Master's in Library Science, before finally settling on special education, not out of desire, but because I needed a damn job already.

So when I started teaching math two years ago, I was delighted. I ALWAYS wanted to teach reg ed, and I finally had a job I felt really proud of. Granted it wasn't world history or geography or a foreign language (which I can't speak) or English or anything romantic, but I do enjoy doing math quite a bit, so that's fine. It's been okay. I loved that I never got bored. Maybe I was drowning, but you aren't bored when you are drowning! I do struggle with classroom management-though it got a little easier when the principal gave me a tip-I just needed to be louder and talk over them until they shut up-and it did usually work, amazingly. Waiting for them to be quiet and cueing them to be quiet was taking too much time. I also struggled with finding time to work with them one-on-one when they needed help, because  the class would start getting too loud when I stopped talking. There are a few issues here: I am very sensitive to noise and cannot hear well with background noise (I have a slight hearing loss in one ear and it does affect me), and I get confused when a lot of stimulation is flying at me. Tests scores were okay last year, so I figured something was going right. Now, this years test scores will likely go down a bit-they pulled more kids into a second algebra class, so there are fewer of the high flyers taking the 8th grade MAP test this year-this will affect the scores. I also had some really tough classes overall this year-two of my three eighth classes were rough. My 7th graders were super chatty, but respectful, overall. 

So, our FACS teacher didn't like FACS and wanted out. At the same time, my principal was my secret santa and had my paper saying how I loved collecting vintage homemaking books and magazines, and it seems obvious I would love FACS. She asked me if I would do it, and I very reluctantly said okay, and have been in a tailspin ever since. I feel like my budding identity was ripped away, and I can't find balance. Everything has spiraled away from me, and somehow I agreed to go back to sped at Hickory because there was an opening and the "pros" for sped were greater than the "pros" for FACS. But...I don't want to go back to a past job. I know expertise comes from time spent in a field, growing, but I want a little novelty. Plus, it's math sped and I prefer ELA sped. So I applied at Tierney's school because they need an Intensive support teacher badly, and it would be fun to work with family. I have that job contingent on references, but my I haven't gotten ONE of the other 7 jobs I interviewed for this year, Edit: I forgot I was offered the sped job at Pershing-whoops! 

and it makes me wonder, is it my interviewing, my age, or my references. 

I thought intensive support would give me that feeling of being in control of my day and be a little more like the home daycare I always wanted (with some academics, of course), but since I have never done it, I don't know if i would like it. Nine months is a long time to sign up for an unknown. 

But I feel like Hickory is ruined for me. If a math job opens, it will HURT me to see someone else do it.  I will have to move down to the 7th grade hall for the sped job, and I don't want to move. I don't want to go back to feeling invisible. I know plenty of people are known and respected as sped teachers-this is me and my issue-but I don't know how to overcome it. I know my nature is better suited to smaller group instruction-I get confused and overstimulated. 

So now I am in the position of feeling like I am letting EVERYONE down no matter what I do. I know, if life has taught me anything (like getting married at 19 when I didn't really want to because I didn't know how to nicely get out of it), it's that I need to think about myself and not everyone else's feelings. But that is hard to do. 

And I asked my principal yesterday if FACS was still a possibility and she hasn't answered, and I don't blame her, because clearly, I am a mess and a pain in the ass. 

I just want to be NOT bored and do good work and have good coworkers who are kind but also interesting and make everyone happy with my choice.

That's it. 

God help me. 

:o)

Ka-pow!

 That’s what my own head decided to do to me this week. And it’s rough. So my drama continues, but it isn’t nearly as big of a deal as I am making it. I think my fear of being trapped is rising up. And when you have a fear of being trapped (which for me means being bored and powerless to plan how my day unfolds) and you have a great need for security- well, there’s going to be tension. 

So my principal told me there was a sped math position opening at my school. Now FACS sounds more interesting than sped math, but I am not great at crowd control and I am beginning to doubt I will ever get better at it. My brain just locks up and I think why are doing this and it’s hard for me to implement strategies because I am too busy wondering why they are being buttheads. I’d kill to go back to school and learn all day. I decided sped math would be better as I would have more interaction with grownups during the day and smaller crowds to deal with. Don’t get me wrong- there are things about FACS I really want to do. I worked on a curriculum all last weekend for it. But I am over trying to get a whole classroom to care. It’s not fun. But I sort of want to explore that option. But I also feel like I made the best choice for my mental health and to utilize my skills. 

But then the being trapped part started to hit. It’s hard to get out of sped and I like to feel free. So I applied for a couple jobs casually, and one of them called my principal, who was not happy I had applied for another job. Which I understand. She wants things settled and ready to go. I would too. But that doesn’t help my trapped feeling at all. So with the surge of hormones (remember I am a pmdd sufferer-I SUFFER with hormones), and being told I was unprofessional (which I might be) I just have been feeling awful. Then a 7th grader expressed her delight that she would not be having me for FACS and it was just enough to seriously ruin my day. And y’all know I can be bitter. But the poison is seeping away and I have to hold firm to the knowledge that I made the best decision I could. It is impossible to have the best of both or all worlds. Something has to give. The best thing I can do is let the missed possibilities pass gracefully, which is a struggle for me, but perhaps that is the lesson to learn here. 

I really wish I wasn’t so self-centered. If I could focus more on the students and less on my feelings, all would be better. This lifelong identity crisis is getting old. Maybe there is a factor of will and self-determination involved in creating one’s identity and all the while I have just been heeding my feelings of the moment. 

The truth is- I love the math of regular ed. I love 8th grade math. But eighth graders are rough and I am tender hearted. And they see that and use that and dislike me for it. And that was my main fear about FACS. Which let’s be honest, I am a little sad about. But- a choice had to be made and I made the one that seemed best at the time. Now if my principal would stop hurting my feelings, all would be well.🤣 I think we just have very different personalities.  Most of all, I need to stop hurting my own feelings. I can believe whatever I want, so I should believe the best.

Too tired for a picture today. 

Happy Friday.

Worrying

Photo by Yulia Gadalina on Unsplash

 I am a worrier. I love nothing more than to ruminate over possibilities and torture myself over things that could go wrong. Am I doing the wrong job? Am I going to get in trouble? Am I going to be able to handle XYZ? Does this person dislike me and I just don't realize it? The problem wilthall this is: Whatever will come to pass, happens whether I worry about it or not. My worrying-my obsessing, just ruins today and make me unpleasant to be around. Especially since when I am worried, I can be a little bit hateful-maybe as a means to I don't know, protect myself somehow. 

I worry because I think if I hit on the right thought, the right word, the right support from others, I will be protected from the pain of what I am worrying about. But I think, it actually does the opposite. I think it creates a negative cloud around me that actually increases the likelihood of a negative outcome. Now, I will note that my worrying is pretty self-centered. This extends to my kids somewhat, as I worry about them being rejected quite a bit. And the fact that it is so self-centered must make it even more frustrating for others to have to listen to it. I am worried about this. ;o).

Seriously, though. The question is how to retrain my brain to prepare, but not overly worry. It is normal to be concerned about what may come. It is not normal to be in an obsessive cloud of trying to hit on the right thought in hopes that is will assuage the negative feelings. Maybe this is the thought. The idea of letting go of the concern. Until it comes to pass, it is really is out of my hands. I don't HAVE to let something ruin my day, my weekend. That is a choice I make when it happens. 

I had such a dream. I had just taken a job at Hillcrest for English (I was born to teach world history or earth science,but I was WORRIED I wouldn't be able to find a job-so I changed majors). Anyway, all the teachers were streaming in to start the first day back, I was disorganized and confused and was hit with this fear that I hadn't told anyone at Parkview I was leaving. They would realize it when I didn't show up and that was some comfort, but the problem with anything new is that you must leave something else behind in its place. 

And that is sad. 

Have a great Saturday. I have been hit by horrific allergies or a cold, I am not sure which, I have that elephant sitting on my face feeling. But it's freakin' weekend, and I am excited to have a chance to work, clean, and just be Jill. Need to buy some tomato plants.

But what does it mean?

Photo by Maksym Mazur on Unsplash

 I stepped outside myself today

outside looking in

The other me was quivering,

gelatin  for skin.

I took her hand and squeezed-she seemed smaller,

younger.

She talked too much about things

 noone cared to hear.

I watched her jokes fall flat.

She gazed at me timidly, 

embarrassed and ashamed.

But the real me smiled tenderly and squeezed her

hand more tightly. 

She asked why I don't leave her-take my logic

and rational thought and head into big world.

And I shook my head most gently.

Ah, the misunderstood so often misunderstand.

I cannot be without her. Her pain shaped my thoughts.

Her wavering emotions-ever-changing -

are life itself to me. Making her happy-

impossible deed! 

The quest will be my downfall.

And I gazed into her eyes and stepped back

into me.

The Quiet

 

Photo by David Monje on Unsplash

The world seems scary and dark right  now. The life so many have fought for-a life of progression, comfort, and hope-seems to have been snuffed out. and the multitudes of people who seem to delight in the oppression of others is astounding.

    The president continues to tear down our nation with the help of the clownish muskrat (I just can't bear to say their names). The GOP is handing them the keys. Many suspect Rasputin is behind it all (again, like Voldemort-I just can't with the real names). 

    The world is weeping-or seething- as we appear to betray our allies. I am ashamed. I wish-I wish freedom and love and self-expression were winning. I wish for this dark, unsettled sadness to dissipate. I with those with greater resources would want to see those with lesser live fulfilling lives instead of seeing them as tools for their own enrichment. 

    The future appears bleak. I want to fight, but we Americans are sheltered babies and we don't know how to fight back. We are awaiting a leader-will that leader ever emerge?

    And now as we wait-perspective shifts closer to home- to the small comforts which we hope to sustain us. 

    A sunny day.

    A bird song.

    A good cup of coffee (which I am currently NOT drinking-this coffee was bitter! Well, the German alpine packaging was pretty)

    Only so much is in our hands. We also still need to live and enjoy life even as the world seems to turn to ash. 

    We have to reach down in ourselves and discover who it is we are meant to be. Who we want to be. Not our profession-not our jobs-but who, deep in our core, are we?

    When will we stand and speak out?

    When will we hold our tongues and persevere? There is no answer. There is no rulebook. 

       If this bleakness-this storm-in which the fore winds have already arrived-is here(oh how the soul clings to the hope that I am just wrong!), then we need to plan our boundaries. What and who will we protect? At which point is martyrdom the right choice? Although I know eventually the earth will be no more, I want the seeds of the good to keep spreading. I want the children of love, hope, acceptance, and understanding to flourish and spread. Even if the seed falls in a barren desert, a concrete crack, may the light of goodness persevere. 

    I am not angry at the ignorant. They were led down this path by strong media forces hellbent on twisting their souls and passions towards hate. And the ignorant will feel the pain as much as any of us in the end. 

    I am angry at the educated. The selfish, racist, misogynistic educated who knew they were choosing fear and hate and did so anyway for greed or a sense of power. The evils of ignorance can be be-not forgiven-but understood. The evils of intelligence are more infuriating. 

    Hate may reign, but hate cannot win. Educate your people, keep the light burning in your heart. The future is never guaranteed, but life should be lived in the light. 

    Am I being overly dramatic and silly? God, I hope so.

It's Gonna Be a Snow Day!

Photo by Filip Bunkens on Unsplash

 I woke up around 4:30 which is fine because I went
to bed around 8:30. And I waiting to hear we were indeed going to have a snow day, and then I got up. It looks like we should get some significant snow for our area.

The job hunt. After my long drawn out post I suddenly realized-I don't have to job hunt. I can just do FACS. I was strongly considering asking for the position-I had even drafted an email- once I learned the current teacher wanted to change. So...it's all good. I do have two interview requests, but I am just going to decline them. I am tired. What I am looking for I am not going to find in another job. I need to work on classroom management and doing it in an untested subject is best for all involved. Middle school boys are tough. If it is awful then next year would be the year to try and shift. So. Whatever. It's not nearly as a big of a deal as I am have made it out to be. I just want to carefully craft something without an actual vision of what I want to craft. That's absurd. 

I really don't feel like changing jobs. I am tired. I would have taken the Kickapoo or Launch jobs, but that's pretty much it. Nothing else really feels worth starting over for at this point. 

Anyway I think we could get several inches of snow which is so exciting for the kids. I do miss the neighborhood boys all going out and playing together, but they are older and drifting apart. I didn't like them in my house anyway.

I will probably go out and uber a bit this morning. I still have the cold, but it isn't as bad today, and I need to get out of the house a little bit. Then I plan to put the laundry away which is pretty much my least favorite thing to do in the whole wide world. Well, sweeping the  floor is pretty bad. I want one of those fancy Dyson's, but the cost is prohibitive.  Then anything else I do is bonus. ;)

Oh, if I am making this commitment, I want to also start planning my curriculum for next year. I love curriculum planning as long as its my way and not the boring way the district wants us to do it that makes my brain freeze up and makes me look like an idiot.  I am sure the current teacher has some stuff  I can use, too.

So...bring on the beautiful snow. I wish we could do Christmas again. This past holiday season was so disappointing. I need more people and more visits. I want games and fun.

Later!

Changing My Mind

 It's been such a season already. Last night I was dramatically moaning about the horror that is my job search when I remembered I don't actually have to look for a job. I am not too much of a pro/con list because pros and cons can't hold a candle for what the gut has to say about the matter, however, I cannot feel the gut UNTIL I take positive steps towards something. Meaning, when I was in college, I didn't know how I felt about a major until I had met with the department chair and actually signed up for classes and purchased the books. Once it became real, I could get a feeling about whether I really wanted something or whether it felt right for me or not. It's a tough way to live, and I am fully aware that I come off as VERY flaky. It's sort of how I ended up at Hickory in the first place. First of all, when I did summer school there I had a strong feeling that I should be working there. Secondly, while I was in a pretty good position at Parkview with several basic classes to teach and was able to use the room mostly as I saw fit (though it was shared with a couple other teachers), I craved my own room. When I got the call that I had the job, I was happy to finally be successful, but also a little bummed because I wasn't unhappy at Parkview. I was bummed that I wasn't going to ever be department head, but I also know I am not a fan of making tough in-the-moment decisions and don't trust my judgement and one needs confidence in oneself to lead others well. But...we live in a world that praises leaders and gives false lip service to the team. Coteaching could be boring sometimes and made me feel dumb as rocks, but at the same time, it was always nice when I wasn't feeling well or was exhausted from lack of sleep to sit back and let someone else take the lead. Anyway, I was pleased to get the job-especially since I had the feeling that some people thought I hadn't really been serious all along about finding a job. I was-I am just bad at interviewing. Every now and then I will be "on" and hit it. Or maybe they are just desperate. Who knows? So even though, I sort of didn't want to change jobs, I felt I had to change.

Again, did I have to take the FACS job? I don't know. I felt pressured. I feel as if the current administration is pointing out my faults, but not serious about helping me build on any strengths. I haven't heard ANY strengths. My sixth graders were quiet and well-behaved and working (aside from one or two) and was told they were too sleepy and I needed to turn the lights up more. When some people form an opinion there isn't a whole lot you can do about that. When I implemented the changes suggested, they were not recorded or noted at all in the next observation I had. Only more negative. When I asked to please let me go observe the other eighth grade math teacher so I could get an idea of flow, I was told yes, but it hasn't happened yet. I was told I needed to implement a cool-down, WHICH I DID, it was just missed by the observer. It feels like this person's mind was made up early and I didn't have a shot. Now. Was someone directing their mind in a certain way? Meaning is someone else-I don't want to say sabotaging, because I do have flaws and that is rather charged language, but perhaps someone expressing deep concern because my methods are different than theirs and casting doubt on me? Maybe. But politics are part of the game and not a part I care to play. And let's be honest. I never sat around dreaming about teaching math. I mean, I like it, it's fun, but it is really hard for me to slow down when I am on a roll because I enjoy it so much. And kids need you to go slow. I guess. I just don't fit with the education system. And classroom management sucks because somehow I have to  keep it fairly quiet, while also implementing engaging group work, teach a lesson, keep track of school supplies, when angry students are swiping calculators to destroy for no good reason-probably because I asked them to be quiet and wouldn't let them sit where they want and play on their phones. And at the same time stay focused when so much is going on. I also really struggle to pick out what people are saying when there is background noise. Kids think I am just letting some kids get a way with saying bad things, but in reality, I just can't hear them. I do have a diagnosed slight hearing loss from childhood. It does affect me socially. And apparently professionally, too. Maybe I AM bad at it. Maybe I suck as a teacher and FACS is a way to move me to a place where it won't matter. Maybe the growth 8th grade made last year was the result of the other teacher and everyone is just too polite to explicitly tell me. 

What I really want is a small group-10 to 14 kids, and we just explore where it leads us in a subject. We could make portfolios-and have a little daily lesson, too, but really just get deep into our subjects as it aligns with our interests. I probably would need my own private school for that. And highly motivated students. And we could just like have a theme for the day or week or season and follow it and...well, anyway.

So job hunting. I went on two high school math interviews. The first, I wanted and would have liked. It was algebra, geometry, and algebra 2 at a Kickapoo. I really wanted it, I prepared for several hours. I didn't get it. Okay. That's two years in a row there-they just aren't that into me. The next was at Hillcrest which is so far away, and the job sounded dreadful. Thankfully I didn't get that. The third was Launch, which I knew was a long shot, but it is my dream job, and I didn't get that. Okay. The fourth was my old job at Parkview, except it was teaching sped math. I felt okay about it, but realized I didn't want to do sped math. I would always be angling to get back into those ELA/history classes. So I emailed them and said I was mainly interested in ELA, not math. At the interview they had mentioned the schedule was not complete so it was possible ELA could be done and people could be switched. So I wanted to let them know where I stood, so they could make the best decision for their needs and I wouldn't be "angling" because that feels icky. And I never heard back from them. Not even a not interested. So I am wondering if my email came across as me withdrawing myself from the job consideration. But alas, I will just call it fate if that's the thing. I am worried about SPED cuts anyway. It would stress me out. But it would have been nice to have the shorter commute and the shared office to chat with people in, and teaching novels again. Oh well. Maybe they just found the perfect candidate and forgot all about everyone else. Que sera, sera, n'est-ce pas?

So now I have a request for an interview interview at another middle school math position. This school would be a lower SES school, and the new building is sterile and weird. But I have interviewed with this principal before and I am just not sure I want to miss work again to go on an interview again. Honestly, my confidence is shattered at this point. I would like the shorter commute and the possibility of making a friend somewhere, because it just isn't happening where I am. The one person who was interested in hanging out with me was pushed out by the previous admin. I also like feeling like I matter to my workplace and core classes does that for me. It feels important and I need that feeling of mattering.

And so I think, why not just take the FACS job and see what happens. Maybe I will like it. Information-wise, I probably will, especially if we aren't having multiple meetings discussing pacing and test scores and all kinds of stuff that sucks the life and joy out of all that is good in education (which I am pretty sure is by design).  I won't have meetings. I will have an extra class every day to teach. I'll be lonely, but clearly that's my lot in life. I like to tell myself that it is because I am too proud and SOMEBODY in the spirit world and I had to come to this lonely existence on earth to learn a little more humility. Hey, it gets me through the day. 

But I really don't feel wanted or valued and I think it would better to go where I have a chance to feel that. And I hate the drive. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate the drive. I misplaced my keys and had to uber there a couple of weeks ago, and it was $20 before tipping. One way. What if my car breaks down? I won't even be able to work without depending on other people. I can't walk or bike there. My car has 176K miles. I am so disappointed I couldn't get hired at Kickapoo. That would have helped with so many little things.  I could have just ended my career there and been within walking distance. 

So yeah, I can set my pride aside and just do FACS and if I am lonely, so be it. Teachers usually last longer than admin anyway. But, what if it's the wrong choice. What if I am just not trying hard enough?

I need sleep. Alec has been following me at night where ever I go and he keeps snuggling and I am not a snuggler. It wakes me up. I am also annoyed that we aren't getting a snow day. I need a snow day badly.

Later! God, does anything match the first cup of coffee?

February

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

No clever title in me today. I am not well. I am not really unwell, just not in my best health. I think I have a long and lingering bronchitis. It's unpleasant, but not the worst thing ever. The cough has been starting to die down. I could use a snow day or two to rest a little more, though. I just don't feel well. Nothing I can put my finger on, though. 

   The news is disturbing-I think the worst part is I want to believe the best and prepare for the worst. But I don't now what that looks like or how to prepare. I feel like we are sitting ducks waiting to see just how bad the powers that be are going to ram us. I am embarrassed of my country. I mean, there has always been a little bit of embarrassment in the two times I have traveled overseas, but now, I am ashamed. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it. It's too big. 

   I really just want to shop. I want to have a pretty house and meet friends for dinner and have a little too much wine and be brought home and just have a pleasant life with pretty things. I may be shallow. But I don't really care. I am a product of this world. 

    The boys are fighting. Alec wants a big room-sized fort and Gabe wants to play VR in that room and chaos is ensuing. I am too tired to walk down there. I hope it works out. Alec dropped the xbox this morning and we couldn't get it to work. I am not going to tell his brothers though. Alec is BAD about dropping things. He has broke at least two tvs trying to move them. 

    I couldn't even begin to care less about the superbowl. I have just lost all interest in sports whatsoever. Maybe it is because I am not feeling well. It's really only fun when people are coming over to enjoy them and noone has mentioned anything and I just don't have the energy to host anyway. People only ever come over when you offer them food. I guess that is why my mom always invited me for dinner. Noone just comes over to see each other. 

   I want to pack up in my car and drive to Canada and start a new life, but I doubt they are going to be chill about that. :o) I would sell everything just to start over somewhere else. I am over it. But it maybe like teachers in education-a few years ago, I noticed all the teachers were scrambling around like rats on a sinking ship, searching for a safer spot. Maybe moving around the world would be the same. Maybe the whole damn ship is sinking. 

    Today I am weak. Today I want a partner. I want help with the kids and help with the house and help with the bills. But alas, I think I might be ugly. All my life people just haven't been into me. Even when I was young. I don't THINK I was uglier than most people, but other people get asked out and I rarely did-at least not by anyone I really wanted. Plus I would always latch on so quickly. I am starting to understand all that a bit more-the insight has been a little depressing-but now I feel like I can't latch on to anyone. But again, noone notices me. Maybe I am too quiet. People always think I am conservative anyway. I always attract the wrong guys. Or gross guys, or uneducated. or poor. I am not brilliant by any stretch of the imagination, but both my husbands have had IQs above average (Brian was about 122 and Karl was about 133, if you are curious). I just can't with the average.  No, I don't think romance is my destiny. It's a shame, though. I always craved it. 

Anyway, I am sleepy, and going to close my eyes for a bit. I can't miss any more work.

Noone wanted to hire me. I am too tired to care anyway. Self-esteem is not booming at the moment.:)

    

So THAT was Christmas-and the Year in Review. Sort of

Photo by Navi on Unsplash

 Howdy Ho! It is I, Jill, who waddles in with chocolate stained lips from the land of Holiday eating. Too much sugar in my body.

One day remains in the holiday break and I must say, it's been...meh. Now I know I have a propensity to be a whiner, but my gosh what a waste of the days. I had these plans to organize my house, organize and plan my life, become a better person through the power of thinking and action, and yet here we are. It didn't help that I had to uber my butt off (but don't worry, I ate it right back on with sweets); I feel all I have been doing is working. I am so sick of working. I am on the verge of selling my house just to get out of debt. I might even take a cash offer if it was good enough. I don't know how I can fix it up while I am living here. I messaged some online places, but of course they want to talk to me on the phone and I am just not  there yet. Why can't everything be virtual? Obviously the wise thing to do would be to hold onto my house, but I am SO SICK OF WORKING ALL THE TIME. It's unlikely a cash offer would be enough anyway. I really want to walk away with at least 180 minimum. Zillow says 259, but Zillow is inflated and the house needs work. So it would be better to slowly work on fixing it up I guess. Sigh. 

Aside from a brief week or two, it never really felt Christmassy. I didn't do my annual reading of Anne's House of Dreams, because I read it this summer, but somehow the holiday feels incomplete without Anne, Leslie (My favorite), Captain Jim, and Miss Cornelia. 

So many thoughts are rushing around and I am constantly changing my mind. I guess there comes a point where you have to tell your brain to shut the h-e-double hockey sticks up because otherwise it will just keep running in circles. Does everyone do this? Cycle through thoughts and emotions repetitively?

Anyway, I have had some disappointing insight and I am not happy with what I have come up with. I don't want to share it with you all, because it is the worst of the worst, no-some things are a little worse, but it's not good, my self-diagnosis. However, a label doesn't mean change is impossible, and so I am planning that out as we speak. Interesting the changes I have in mind have to do with grasping more stability and less change. I am SO afraid of being trapped in one life, I think from getting married so young (and did you know that people who have the responsibility of watching their siblings young often struggle with going on to "grow up" too soon, which actually can stunt their overall development? I think I read that. I might have made it up. Anyway, I am not placing blame, we all do the best we can  and sometimes people need more help, but I think I was always so busy taking care of little people I never stopped to really figure myself out. We have the things we like as youngsters, but it takes time and experience in the real world to learn how you really fit in. And I think I missed that. Add to that my tendency towards magical thinking and is it a wonder I am still so wobbly?

Anyway going around in circles in my mind is useless. I have to get to the point where I can commit to a decision. Because my lack of commitment is really screwing up my life. I find myself saying stupid things and its no wonder people don't believe in me. I don't know what I want. And I am too old to not know what I want. The quiet simple life I thought I wanted is boring me to death. I wanted to be a homesteader. I don't even like to garden. 

And feelings. I don't recall anyone ever talking to me about how to handle my feelings. I neglected this with my older kids, too. It just never occurred to me this might need to happen. The Gen X neglect is strong in me. Noone told me how to handle dating, how to break up with someone, how to deal with strong negativity. Maybe noone talks about these things? I don't know. All I know is I grew up with this strong feeling I shouldn't hurt anyone, but managing to do it anyway. Why were my parents okay with me dating someone with bipolar. I mean, I was an adult when I met Karl, but I feel like someone should have warned me. Someone should have been looking out for me instead of setting me up. Maybe not. Maybe I would have done what I wanted to do anyway. 

And then I have this crazy fragile self-esteem. It's absurd. I am too old to be so adolescent. 

So anyway, I think I need to build up this framework for myself, but I am afraid that under stress, it is always going to fall. I am afraid I will always have to keep putting myself back together again, and I am tired of it. But we do what we gotta do. I just wish I'd find the glue that would stick.

Anyway, the year has been okay. Work is fine, except I am not doing a great job, and that is painful. I was driving around working today, thinking about what I could do teach slope better next year, and then I remembered, I don't get to teach it next year. And I was a little bummed. But it will be okay. I will just do the best I can this year, and then see what the next experience will be like. I am sad. I am embarrassed. But I will be okay. 

Alec is on the verge of losing his first front tooth, and his baby face will be gone. It's been a hard year really. Gabe is twelve now and changing, and the sweetness is not so evident now. Liam is struggling with balancing school, extra curriculars, and phone addiction. 

I am dying to travel so badly it almost hurts. Sometimes I feel like I am only truly alive when I am out of Missouri. I cannot believe I am trapped in Missouri. 

I have developed a bit of an affinity for TikTok. I delete it every couple of weeks because it interferes with my sleeping and with my love for conspiracy theories it really isn't good for me, but I always go crawling back. It's so entertaining. 

This time last year I was OBSESSED with Call Me By Your Name. I have watched it too much now and can't bear it. Also I feel a little annoyed with the age gap between the guys. It has bothered me more over time. It feels a little ick. I have watched Heartstopper enough, too. But if you like gay guys, good gosh, if you haven't seen Red, White, and Royal Blue (and who hasn't?) you really are missing out. They have great chemistry, IMO. 

So yeah, just waiting on my next strong interest to hit. Any day now...Would be nice.

In this upcoming year, I hope to approach life with a little more grace. I hope to dig a little deeper into myself and figuring out what I want as opposed to what I think should I want. I hope to provide the steady grounding I crave. I hope to bounce quicker and less publicly from disappointments. I hope to become better at discerning who is trustworthy, without being paranoid and unfriendly when I don't trust someone. I hope to figure out my bills so either I don't have to move or if I do, I have minimal contact with strangers and business deals because it is SO uncomfortable.

I hope to buy less brand new. More thrifting. I want to be less conscious of brands and labels and not care what others think. I want to be more open-but truly open, not silly, deflective open.

Happy New Year.