The world seems scary and dark right now. The life so many have fought for-a life of progression, comfort, and hope-seems to have been snuffed out. and the multitudes of people who seem to delight in the oppression of others is astounding.
The president continues to tear down our nation with the help of the clownish muskrat (I just can't bear to say their names). The GOP is handing them the keys. Many suspect Rasputin is behind it all (again, like Voldemort-I just can't with the real names).
The world is weeping-or seething- as we appear to betray our allies. I am ashamed. I wish-I wish freedom and love and self-expression were winning. I wish for this dark, unsettled sadness to dissipate. I with those with greater resources would want to see those with lesser live fulfilling lives instead of seeing them as tools for their own enrichment.
The future appears bleak. I want to fight, but we Americans are sheltered babies and we don't know how to fight back. We are awaiting a leader-will that leader ever emerge?
And now as we wait-perspective shifts closer to home- to the small comforts which we hope to sustain us.
A sunny day.
A bird song.
A good cup of coffee (which I am currently NOT drinking-this coffee was bitter! Well, the German alpine packaging was pretty)
Only so much is in our hands. We also still need to live and enjoy life even as the world seems to turn to ash.
We have to reach down in ourselves and discover who it is we are meant to be. Who we want to be. Not our profession-not our jobs-but who, deep in our core, are we?
When will we stand and speak out?
When will we hold our tongues and persevere? There is no answer. There is no rulebook.
If this bleakness-this storm-in which the fore winds have already arrived-is here(oh how the soul clings to the hope that I am just wrong!), then we need to plan our boundaries. What and who will we protect? At which point is martyrdom the right choice? Although I know eventually the earth will be no more, I want the seeds of the good to keep spreading. I want the children of love, hope, acceptance, and understanding to flourish and spread. Even if the seed falls in a barren desert, a concrete crack, may the light of goodness persevere.
I am not angry at the ignorant. They were led down this path by strong media forces hellbent on twisting their souls and passions towards hate. And the ignorant will feel the pain as much as any of us in the end.
I am angry at the educated. The selfish, racist, misogynistic educated who knew they were choosing fear and hate and did so anyway for greed or a sense of power. The evils of ignorance can be be-not forgiven-but understood. The evils of intelligence are more infuriating.
Hate may reign, but hate cannot win. Educate your people, keep the light burning in your heart. The future is never guaranteed, but life should be lived in the light.
Am I being overly dramatic and silly? God, I hope so.
I woke up around 4:30 which is fine because I went to bed around 8:30. And I waiting to hear we were indeed going to have a snow day, and then I got up. It looks like we should get some significant snow for our area.
The job hunt. After my long drawn out post I suddenly realized-I don't have to job hunt. I can just do FACS. I was strongly considering asking for the position-I had even drafted an email- once I learned the current teacher wanted to change. So...it's all good. I do have two interview requests, but I am just going to decline them. I am tired. What I am looking for I am not going to find in another job. I need to work on classroom management and doing it in an untested subject is best for all involved. Middle school boys are tough. If it is awful then next year would be the year to try and shift. So. Whatever. It's not nearly as a big of a deal as I am have made it out to be. I just want to carefully craft something without an actual vision of what I want to craft. That's absurd.
I really don't feel like changing jobs. I am tired. I would have taken the Kickapoo or Launch jobs, but that's pretty much it. Nothing else really feels worth starting over for at this point.
Anyway I think we could get several inches of snow which is so exciting for the kids. I do miss the neighborhood boys all going out and playing together, but they are older and drifting apart. I didn't like them in my house anyway.
I will probably go out and uber a bit this morning. I still have the cold, but it isn't as bad today, and I need to get out of the house a little bit. Then I plan to put the laundry away which is pretty much my least favorite thing to do in the whole wide world. Well, sweeping the floor is pretty bad. I want one of those fancy Dyson's, but the cost is prohibitive. Then anything else I do is bonus. ;)
Oh, if I am making this commitment, I want to also start planning my curriculum for next year. I love curriculum planning as long as its my way and not the boring way the district wants us to do it that makes my brain freeze up and makes me look like an idiot. I am sure the current teacher has some stuff I can use, too.
So...bring on the beautiful snow. I wish we could do Christmas again. This past holiday season was so disappointing. I need more people and more visits. I want games and fun.
It's been such a season already. Last night I was dramatically moaning about the horror that is my job search when I remembered I don't actually have to look for a job. I am not too much of a pro/con list because pros and cons can't hold a candle for what the gut has to say about the matter, however, I cannot feel the gut UNTIL I take positive steps towards something. Meaning, when I was in college, I didn't know how I felt about a major until I had met with the department chair and actually signed up for classes and purchased the books. Once it became real, I could get a feeling about whether I really wanted something or whether it felt right for me or not. It's a tough way to live, and I am fully aware that I come off as VERY flaky. It's sort of how I ended up at Hickory in the first place. First of all, when I did summer school there I had a strong feeling that I should be working there. Secondly, while I was in a pretty good position at Parkview with several basic classes to teach and was able to use the room mostly as I saw fit (though it was shared with a couple other teachers), I craved my own room. When I got the call that I had the job, I was happy to finally be successful, but also a little bummed because I wasn't unhappy at Parkview. I was bummed that I wasn't going to ever be department head, but I also know I am not a fan of making tough in-the-moment decisions and don't trust my judgement and one needs confidence in oneself to lead others well. But...we live in a world that praises leaders and gives false lip service to the team. Coteaching could be boring sometimes and made me feel dumb as rocks, but at the same time, it was always nice when I wasn't feeling well or was exhausted from lack of sleep to sit back and let someone else take the lead. Anyway, I was pleased to get the job-especially since I had the feeling that some people thought I hadn't really been serious all along about finding a job. I was-I am just bad at interviewing. Every now and then I will be "on" and hit it. Or maybe they are just desperate. Who knows? So even though, I sort of didn't want to change jobs, I felt I had to change.
Again, did I have to take the FACS job? I don't know. I felt pressured. I feel as if the current administration is pointing out my faults, but not serious about helping me build on any strengths. I haven't heard ANY strengths. My sixth graders were quiet and well-behaved and working (aside from one or two) and was told they were too sleepy and I needed to turn the lights up more. When some people form an opinion there isn't a whole lot you can do about that. When I implemented the changes suggested, they were not recorded or noted at all in the next observation I had. Only more negative. When I asked to please let me go observe the other eighth grade math teacher so I could get an idea of flow, I was told yes, but it hasn't happened yet. I was told I needed to implement a cool-down, WHICH I DID, it was just missed by the observer. It feels like this person's mind was made up early and I didn't have a shot. Now. Was someone directing their mind in a certain way? Meaning is someone else-I don't want to say sabotaging, because I do have flaws and that is rather charged language, but perhaps someone expressing deep concern because my methods are different than theirs and casting doubt on me? Maybe. But politics are part of the game and not a part I care to play. And let's be honest. I never sat around dreaming about teaching math. I mean, I like it, it's fun, but it is really hard for me to slow down when I am on a roll because I enjoy it so much. And kids need you to go slow. I guess. I just don't fit with the education system. And classroom management sucks because somehow I have to keep it fairly quiet, while also implementing engaging group work, teach a lesson, keep track of school supplies, when angry students are swiping calculators to destroy for no good reason-probably because I asked them to be quiet and wouldn't let them sit where they want and play on their phones. And at the same time stay focused when so much is going on. I also really struggle to pick out what people are saying when there is background noise. Kids think I am just letting some kids get a way with saying bad things, but in reality, I just can't hear them. I do have a diagnosed slight hearing loss from childhood. It does affect me socially. And apparently professionally, too. Maybe I AM bad at it. Maybe I suck as a teacher and FACS is a way to move me to a place where it won't matter. Maybe the growth 8th grade made last year was the result of the other teacher and everyone is just too polite to explicitly tell me.
What I really want is a small group-10 to 14 kids, and we just explore where it leads us in a subject. We could make portfolios-and have a little daily lesson, too, but really just get deep into our subjects as it aligns with our interests. I probably would need my own private school for that. And highly motivated students. And we could just like have a theme for the day or week or season and follow it and...well, anyway.
So job hunting. I went on two high school math interviews. The first, I wanted and would have liked. It was algebra, geometry, and algebra 2 at a Kickapoo. I really wanted it, I prepared for several hours. I didn't get it. Okay. That's two years in a row there-they just aren't that into me. The next was at Hillcrest which is so far away, and the job sounded dreadful. Thankfully I didn't get that. The third was Launch, which I knew was a long shot, but it is my dream job, and I didn't get that. Okay. The fourth was my old job at Parkview, except it was teaching sped math. I felt okay about it, but realized I didn't want to do sped math. I would always be angling to get back into those ELA/history classes. So I emailed them and said I was mainly interested in ELA, not math. At the interview they had mentioned the schedule was not complete so it was possible ELA could be done and people could be switched. So I wanted to let them know where I stood, so they could make the best decision for their needs and I wouldn't be "angling" because that feels icky. And I never heard back from them. Not even a not interested. So I am wondering if my email came across as me withdrawing myself from the job consideration. But alas, I will just call it fate if that's the thing. I am worried about SPED cuts anyway. It would stress me out. But it would have been nice to have the shorter commute and the shared office to chat with people in, and teaching novels again. Oh well. Maybe they just found the perfect candidate and forgot all about everyone else. Que sera, sera, n'est-ce pas?
So now I have a request for an interview interview at another middle school math position. This school would be a lower SES school, and the new building is sterile and weird. But I have interviewed with this principal before and I am just not sure I want to miss work again to go on an interview again. Honestly, my confidence is shattered at this point. I would like the shorter commute and the possibility of making a friend somewhere, because it just isn't happening where I am. The one person who was interested in hanging out with me was pushed out by the previous admin. I also like feeling like I matter to my workplace and core classes does that for me. It feels important and I need that feeling of mattering.
And so I think, why not just take the FACS job and see what happens. Maybe I will like it. Information-wise, I probably will, especially if we aren't having multiple meetings discussing pacing and test scores and all kinds of stuff that sucks the life and joy out of all that is good in education (which I am pretty sure is by design). I won't have meetings. I will have an extra class every day to teach. I'll be lonely, but clearly that's my lot in life. I like to tell myself that it is because I am too proud and SOMEBODY in the spirit world and I had to come to this lonely existence on earth to learn a little more humility. Hey, it gets me through the day.
But I really don't feel wanted or valued and I think it would better to go where I have a chance to feel that. And I hate the drive. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate the drive. I misplaced my keys and had to uber there a couple of weeks ago, and it was $20 before tipping. One way. What if my car breaks down? I won't even be able to work without depending on other people. I can't walk or bike there. My car has 176K miles. I am so disappointed I couldn't get hired at Kickapoo. That would have helped with so many little things. I could have just ended my career there and been within walking distance.
So yeah, I can set my pride aside and just do FACS and if I am lonely, so be it. Teachers usually last longer than admin anyway. But, what if it's the wrong choice. What if I am just not trying hard enough?
I need sleep. Alec has been following me at night where ever I go and he keeps snuggling and I am not a snuggler. It wakes me up. I am also annoyed that we aren't getting a snow day. I need a snow day badly.
Later! God, does anything match the first cup of coffee?
No clever title in me today. I am not well. I am not really unwell, just not in my best health. I think I have a long and lingering bronchitis. It's unpleasant, but not the worst thing ever. The cough has been starting to die down. I could use a snow day or two to rest a little more, though. I just don't feel well. Nothing I can put my finger on, though.
The news is disturbing-I think the worst part is I want to believe the best and prepare for the worst. But I don't now what that looks like or how to prepare. I feel like we are sitting ducks waiting to see just how bad the powers that be are going to ram us. I am embarrassed of my country. I mean, there has always been a little bit of embarrassment in the two times I have traveled overseas, but now, I am ashamed. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it. It's too big.
I really just want to shop. I want to have a pretty house and meet friends for dinner and have a little too much wine and be brought home and just have a pleasant life with pretty things. I may be shallow. But I don't really care. I am a product of this world.
The boys are fighting. Alec wants a big room-sized fort and Gabe wants to play VR in that room and chaos is ensuing. I am too tired to walk down there. I hope it works out. Alec dropped the xbox this morning and we couldn't get it to work. I am not going to tell his brothers though. Alec is BAD about dropping things. He has broke at least two tvs trying to move them.
I couldn't even begin to care less about the superbowl. I have just lost all interest in sports whatsoever. Maybe it is because I am not feeling well. It's really only fun when people are coming over to enjoy them and noone has mentioned anything and I just don't have the energy to host anyway. People only ever come over when you offer them food. I guess that is why my mom always invited me for dinner. Noone just comes over to see each other.
I want to pack up in my car and drive to Canada and start a new life, but I doubt they are going to be chill about that. :o) I would sell everything just to start over somewhere else. I am over it. But it maybe like teachers in education-a few years ago, I noticed all the teachers were scrambling around like rats on a sinking ship, searching for a safer spot. Maybe moving around the world would be the same. Maybe the whole damn ship is sinking.
Today I am weak. Today I want a partner. I want help with the kids and help with the house and help with the bills. But alas, I think I might be ugly. All my life people just haven't been into me. Even when I was young. I don't THINK I was uglier than most people, but other people get asked out and I rarely did-at least not by anyone I really wanted. Plus I would always latch on so quickly. I am starting to understand all that a bit more-the insight has been a little depressing-but now I feel like I can't latch on to anyone. But again, noone notices me. Maybe I am too quiet. People always think I am conservative anyway. I always attract the wrong guys. Or gross guys, or uneducated. or poor. I am not brilliant by any stretch of the imagination, but both my husbands have had IQs above average (Brian was about 122 and Karl was about 133, if you are curious). I just can't with the average. No, I don't think romance is my destiny. It's a shame, though. I always craved it.
Anyway, I am sleepy, and going to close my eyes for a bit. I can't miss any more work.
Noone wanted to hire me. I am too tired to care anyway. Self-esteem is not booming at the moment.:)
Howdy Ho! It is I, Jill, who waddles in with chocolate stained lips from the land of Holiday eating. Too much sugar in my body.
One day remains in the holiday break and I must say, it's been...meh. Now I know I have a propensity to be a whiner, but my gosh what a waste of the days. I had these plans to organize my house, organize and plan my life, become a better person through the power of thinking and action, and yet here we are. It didn't help that I had to uber my butt off (but don't worry, I ate it right back on with sweets); I feel all I have been doing is working. I am so sick of working. I am on the verge of selling my house just to get out of debt. I might even take a cash offer if it was good enough. I don't know how I can fix it up while I am living here. I messaged some online places, but of course they want to talk to me on the phone and I am just not there yet. Why can't everything be virtual? Obviously the wise thing to do would be to hold onto my house, but I am SO SICK OF WORKING ALL THE TIME. It's unlikely a cash offer would be enough anyway. I really want to walk away with at least 180 minimum. Zillow says 259, but Zillow is inflated and the house needs work. So it would be better to slowly work on fixing it up I guess. Sigh.
Aside from a brief week or two, it never really felt Christmassy. I didn't do my annual reading of Anne's House of Dreams, because I read it this summer, but somehow the holiday feels incomplete without Anne, Leslie (My favorite), Captain Jim, and Miss Cornelia.
So many thoughts are rushing around and I am constantly changing my mind. I guess there comes a point where you have to tell your brain to shut the h-e-double hockey sticks up because otherwise it will just keep running in circles. Does everyone do this? Cycle through thoughts and emotions repetitively?
Anyway, I have had some disappointing insight and I am not happy with what I have come up with. I don't want to share it with you all, because it is the worst of the worst, no-some things are a little worse, but it's not good, my self-diagnosis. However, a label doesn't mean change is impossible, and so I am planning that out as we speak. Interesting the changes I have in mind have to do with grasping more stability and less change. I am SO afraid of being trapped in one life, I think from getting married so young (and did you know that people who have the responsibility of watching their siblings young often struggle with going on to "grow up" too soon, which actually can stunt their overall development? I think I read that. I might have made it up. Anyway, I am not placing blame, we all do the best we can and sometimes people need more help, but I think I was always so busy taking care of little people I never stopped to really figure myself out. We have the things we like as youngsters, but it takes time and experience in the real world to learn how you really fit in. And I think I missed that. Add to that my tendency towards magical thinking and is it a wonder I am still so wobbly?
Anyway going around in circles in my mind is useless. I have to get to the point where I can commit to a decision. Because my lack of commitment is really screwing up my life. I find myself saying stupid things and its no wonder people don't believe in me. I don't know what I want. And I am too old to not know what I want. The quiet simple life I thought I wanted is boring me to death. I wanted to be a homesteader. I don't even like to garden.
And feelings. I don't recall anyone ever talking to me about how to handle my feelings. I neglected this with my older kids, too. It just never occurred to me this might need to happen. The Gen X neglect is strong in me. Noone told me how to handle dating, how to break up with someone, how to deal with strong negativity. Maybe noone talks about these things? I don't know. All I know is I grew up with this strong feeling I shouldn't hurt anyone, but managing to do it anyway. Why were my parents okay with me dating someone with bipolar. I mean, I was an adult when I met Karl, but I feel like someone should have warned me. Someone should have been looking out for me instead of setting me up. Maybe not. Maybe I would have done what I wanted to do anyway.
And then I have this crazy fragile self-esteem. It's absurd. I am too old to be so adolescent.
So anyway, I think I need to build up this framework for myself, but I am afraid that under stress, it is always going to fall. I am afraid I will always have to keep putting myself back together again, and I am tired of it. But we do what we gotta do. I just wish I'd find the glue that would stick.
Anyway, the year has been okay. Work is fine, except I am not doing a great job, and that is painful. I was driving around working today, thinking about what I could do teach slope better next year, and then I remembered, I don't get to teach it next year. And I was a little bummed. But it will be okay. I will just do the best I can this year, and then see what the next experience will be like. I am sad. I am embarrassed. But I will be okay.
Alec is on the verge of losing his first front tooth, and his baby face will be gone. It's been a hard year really. Gabe is twelve now and changing, and the sweetness is not so evident now. Liam is struggling with balancing school, extra curriculars, and phone addiction.
I am dying to travel so badly it almost hurts. Sometimes I feel like I am only truly alive when I am out of Missouri. I cannot believe I am trapped in Missouri.
I have developed a bit of an affinity for TikTok. I delete it every couple of weeks because it interferes with my sleeping and with my love for conspiracy theories it really isn't good for me, but I always go crawling back. It's so entertaining.
This time last year I was OBSESSED with Call Me By Your Name. I have watched it too much now and can't bear it. Also I feel a little annoyed with the age gap between the guys. It has bothered me more over time. It feels a little ick. I have watched Heartstopper enough, too. But if you like gay guys, good gosh, if you haven't seen Red, White, and Royal Blue (and who hasn't?) you really are missing out. They have great chemistry, IMO.
So yeah, just waiting on my next strong interest to hit. Any day now...Would be nice.
In this upcoming year, I hope to approach life with a little more grace. I hope to dig a little deeper into myself and figuring out what I want as opposed to what I think should I want. I hope to provide the steady grounding I crave. I hope to bounce quicker and less publicly from disappointments. I hope to become better at discerning who is trustworthy, without being paranoid and unfriendly when I don't trust someone. I hope to figure out my bills so either I don't have to move or if I do, I have minimal contact with strangers and business deals because it is SO uncomfortable.
I hope to buy less brand new. More thrifting. I want to be less conscious of brands and labels and not care what others think. I want to be more open-but truly open, not silly, deflective open.
For an overthinker, I would have to say getting unpleasant news right before a vacation from work, is probably about the worst thing that can happen. I am going crazy here!
Actually I am in more than one not good places. First of all, work. Okay, I am not ace at handling a big class. This makes me sad. Could I handle a younger group of kids? Fifth or sixth graders? Maybe. Do I want to try? I don't know. I am tired. I have tried regular ed and it isn't all that. Am I less invisible. Yes. And that does matter. When I said I was a special education teacher, people were always like, "Wow, you must be so patient, I could never do that," and attributed all these soft moral values and skills to me which didn't float my boat. When I say math, people are like, "You must be so logical, I could never do that," and attribute another said of skills to me which I don't feel I have. And maybe I need to stop caring what people say, because most people, myself included, just say things to keep the conversation flowing. I put too much meaning in it. Yesterday, I was okay with FACS and looking at the curriculum guide and planning. I woke up today certain that I should just go back to sped.
Did I dislike sped? Yes. Why? First, I felt like people felt I was soft and less than, like I make decisions to make the world full of rainbows and butterflies and that is offensive to me. Plus I got tired of kids asking if I was a student teacher when I was coteaching. Pride is a real thing. My problem at Parkview was I couldn't have my own room-and it is so fun to have a room. Plus I just wanted to prove that I COULD get an reg ed job (who I was proving it to, I am unsure. Myself?) And finally, I got tired of planning out lessons to have half the class be totally uninterested. I complained about the paperwork, but it didn't really bother me. I don't mind deadlines.
Coming to Hickory also allowed me to bring Alec and Liam the first year I was here and Liam came the second year, too. Personally, I don't WANT Alec at Hickory. It has a weird feeling in the elementary and I don't feel like it is where I want my kids. It's not bad-just...not my people.
So why am I unsure of FACS? Well, first of all, I have listened to many groups of teachers and a common complaint is that is unfair that related arts teachers get paid as much as regular teachers. Another complaint is that untested subjects get paid as much as tested subjects. Now related arts teachers in middle school have 6 classes rather than the 5 the core subjects have, but again, I don't want people whining that I am not working as hard. People have also complained that SPED is easy, but it isn't. Planning a basic class is just as much work as planning a regular education class. Yes, there is less grading, but sometimes you are grading 5 or 6 different levels of reading comprehension, so it isn't cookie cutter. But yes, the emphasis IS off of standardized testing and that is nice.
As for regular ed, I am a year and a half in and I STRUGGLE with managing a full class. I CAN'T focus when people are talking and I can't seem to manage the quiet, calm classroom when there are so many in there.
I took a few UberEats calls after an early morning wake-up, but suddenly everything coming up on the screen seemed a bit too much. I noticed as I was driving a slight ache in my throat and an ache in my lower back. I was struck with a sudden bad cold last week which only was really bad for a day or two, but I don't see how I could possible be sick again. I have had the flu shot, so hopefully whatever it is will be mild and pass quickly. I will go back out and work some later. Right now I just had to get back and bed and snuggle myself a bit.
Identity
I have been thinking a lot about identity. Why some people just seem to be so sure of who they are and so focused on what they do. Others of us flounder about trying to catch that one perfect sign that says, "This is you. This is what you are to do." And when we find that sign we still doubt it and keep on searching. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't certainty, but rather the choice to focus. Maybe it isn't a feeling, but a thought process. Maybe chasing feelings is futile because they always change. But thoughts can change, too. I don't know. Why are some people so sure and others are never settled?
Sometimes I become devastated when I get a glimpse into how others see me. I feel as if see myself much more positively than other people view me. I feel as if I have more faith in me than others. Of course, I also know others only get glimpses of me, and I am bad about making silly statements to throw people off-often without realizing I am doing it. It just comes out. So they make judgements based on half-truths-that aren't exactly intended to be lies-just to buy my feelings and core a little privacy and space. But I think ultimately, although I view myself fairly positively, a part of me is afraid that the others are right and I am wrong. And it isn't that they don't think I am great, it is that maybe deep inside I am afraid I am not. And when that is reflected in others, it makes me doubt.
Choices or the Illusion of Them
Okay. The day has passed. I took a Tylenol and felt better. Illness solved. But the gray skies have been weighing on my soul and I am so sad that I feel the new principal is giving up on me. I wanted to leave sped because of the boredom and isolation and I know I have been holding back as a team member because I was so afraid after trying for SO long to get a regular ed job that someone would point me out and say, "Hold up! You don't belong here." And now I feel that that has happened. And I know it isn't just about me. It isn't about my feelings at all. And it shouldn't be. It's about getting good test scores, good education, and low discipline referrals. I just feel hurt that everyone is giving up on me too soon. And while I might enjoy teaching FACS, as a related arts teacher, I will HAVE NO TEAM. I WILL BE MORE ISOLATED than I ever was in SPED. I am so lonely now I can hardly breathe sometimes (but again it might just be the gray weather and winter break), how will I bear it? So I think I could go back to sped, as long as I am in a decent size school, particularly secondary, I should have coworkers, but with all the talk about dissolving the department of education, this puts sped jobs in a risky place. Maybe teaching 27 kids at once IS too much for me. But I CAN teach small group. I love having 10 to 15 kids. But obviously, I want to be wise. I don't want to have an emotional kneejerk reaction and not choose carefully. I hate that all this weight falls on my shoulders. I feel I can't afford to screw up. And don't tell me I need a man. I always attract men who lean very heavily on me and do not make me feel secure. Maybe I should date a woman. Women tend to be stronger. Eh, I wouldn't really know what to do with a woman. I like those manly arms. Sigh. Anyway, I guess I can make the most of this semester I have left. I wish I had gotten an online job so I didn't have to uber so much. I would have more time to work on my classes. I am feeling a little loserish all around lately. But it's okay. It's me. I don't commit 100% then I wonder why people aren't loyal to me. Thank god for red wine. But I only have the one cup, sadly. I need to plan a game night. I can't take this constantly being with my own thoughts.
