So THAT was Christmas-and the Year in Review. Sort of

Photo by Navi on Unsplash

 Howdy Ho! It is I, Jill, who waddles in with chocolate stained lips from the land of Holiday eating. Too much sugar in my body.

One day remains in the holiday break and I must say, it's been...meh. Now I know I have a propensity to be a whiner, but my gosh what a waste of the days. I had these plans to organize my house, organize and plan my life, become a better person through the power of thinking and action, and yet here we are. It didn't help that I had to uber my butt off (but don't worry, I ate it right back on with sweets); I feel all I have been doing is working. I am so sick of working. I am on the verge of selling my house just to get out of debt. I might even take a cash offer if it was good enough. I don't know how I can fix it up while I am living here. I messaged some online places, but of course they want to talk to me on the phone and I am just not  there yet. Why can't everything be virtual? Obviously the wise thing to do would be to hold onto my house, but I am SO SICK OF WORKING ALL THE TIME. It's unlikely a cash offer would be enough anyway. I really want to walk away with at least 180 minimum. Zillow says 259, but Zillow is inflated and the house needs work. So it would be better to slowly work on fixing it up I guess. Sigh. 

Aside from a brief week or two, it never really felt Christmassy. I didn't do my annual reading of Anne's House of Dreams, because I read it this summer, but somehow the holiday feels incomplete without Anne, Leslie (My favorite), Captain Jim, and Miss Cornelia. 

So many thoughts are rushing around and I am constantly changing my mind. I guess there comes a point where you have to tell your brain to shut the h-e-double hockey sticks up because otherwise it will just keep running in circles. Does everyone do this? Cycle through thoughts and emotions repetitively?

Anyway, I have had some disappointing insight and I am not happy with what I have come up with. I don't want to share it with you all, because it is the worst of the worst, no-some things are a little worse, but it's not good, my self-diagnosis. However, a label doesn't mean change is impossible, and so I am planning that out as we speak. Interesting the changes I have in mind have to do with grasping more stability and less change. I am SO afraid of being trapped in one life, I think from getting married so young (and did you know that people who have the responsibility of watching their siblings young often struggle with going on to "grow up" too soon, which actually can stunt their overall development? I think I read that. I might have made it up. Anyway, I am not placing blame, we all do the best we can  and sometimes people need more help, but I think I was always so busy taking care of little people I never stopped to really figure myself out. We have the things we like as youngsters, but it takes time and experience in the real world to learn how you really fit in. And I think I missed that. Add to that my tendency towards magical thinking and is it a wonder I am still so wobbly?

Anyway going around in circles in my mind is useless. I have to get to the point where I can commit to a decision. Because my lack of commitment is really screwing up my life. I find myself saying stupid things and its no wonder people don't believe in me. I don't know what I want. And I am too old to not know what I want. The quiet simple life I thought I wanted is boring me to death. I wanted to be a homesteader. I don't even like to garden. 

And feelings. I don't recall anyone ever talking to me about how to handle my feelings. I neglected this with my older kids, too. It just never occurred to me this might need to happen. The Gen X neglect is strong in me. Noone told me how to handle dating, how to break up with someone, how to deal with strong negativity. Maybe noone talks about these things? I don't know. All I know is I grew up with this strong feeling I shouldn't hurt anyone, but managing to do it anyway. Why were my parents okay with me dating someone with bipolar. I mean, I was an adult when I met Karl, but I feel like someone should have warned me. Someone should have been looking out for me instead of setting me up. Maybe not. Maybe I would have done what I wanted to do anyway. 

And then I have this crazy fragile self-esteem. It's absurd. I am too old to be so adolescent. 

So anyway, I think I need to build up this framework for myself, but I am afraid that under stress, it is always going to fall. I am afraid I will always have to keep putting myself back together again, and I am tired of it. But we do what we gotta do. I just wish I'd find the glue that would stick.

Anyway, the year has been okay. Work is fine, except I am not doing a great job, and that is painful. I was driving around working today, thinking about what I could do teach slope better next year, and then I remembered, I don't get to teach it next year. And I was a little bummed. But it will be okay. I will just do the best I can this year, and then see what the next experience will be like. I am sad. I am embarrassed. But I will be okay. 

Alec is on the verge of losing his first front tooth, and his baby face will be gone. It's been a hard year really. Gabe is twelve now and changing, and the sweetness is not so evident now. Liam is struggling with balancing school, extra curriculars, and phone addiction. 

I am dying to travel so badly it almost hurts. Sometimes I feel like I am only truly alive when I am out of Missouri. I cannot believe I am trapped in Missouri. 

I have developed a bit of an affinity for TikTok. I delete it every couple of weeks because it interferes with my sleeping and with my love for conspiracy theories it really isn't good for me, but I always go crawling back. It's so entertaining. 

This time last year I was OBSESSED with Call Me By Your Name. I have watched it too much now and can't bear it. Also I feel a little annoyed with the age gap between the guys. It has bothered me more over time. It feels a little ick. I have watched Heartstopper enough, too. But if you like gay guys, good gosh, if you haven't seen Red, White, and Royal Blue (and who hasn't?) you really are missing out. They have great chemistry, IMO. 

So yeah, just waiting on my next strong interest to hit. Any day now...Would be nice.

In this upcoming year, I hope to approach life with a little more grace. I hope to dig a little deeper into myself and figuring out what I want as opposed to what I think should I want. I hope to provide the steady grounding I crave. I hope to bounce quicker and less publicly from disappointments. I hope to become better at discerning who is trustworthy, without being paranoid and unfriendly when I don't trust someone. I hope to figure out my bills so either I don't have to move or if I do, I have minimal contact with strangers and business deals because it is SO uncomfortable.

I hope to buy less brand new. More thrifting. I want to be less conscious of brands and labels and not care what others think. I want to be more open-but truly open, not silly, deflective open.

Happy New Year.

Dealing with the Worst

    For an overthinker, I would have to say getting unpleasant news right before a vacation from work, is probably about the worst thing that can happen. I am going crazy here!

Actually I am in more than one not good places. First of all, work. Okay, I am not ace at handling a big class. This makes me sad. Could I handle a younger group of kids? Fifth or sixth graders? Maybe. Do I want to try? I don't know. I am tired. I have tried regular ed and it isn't all that. Am I less invisible. Yes. And that does matter. When I said I was a special education teacher, people were always like, "Wow, you must be so patient, I could never do that," and attributed all these soft moral values and skills to me which didn't float my boat. When I say math, people are like, "You must be so logical, I could never do that," and attribute another said of skills to me which I don't feel I have. And maybe I need to stop caring what people say, because most people, myself included, just say things to keep the conversation flowing. I put too much meaning in it. Yesterday, I was okay with FACS and looking at the curriculum guide and planning. I woke up today certain that I should just go back to sped. 

    Did I dislike sped? Yes. Why? First, I felt like people felt I was soft and less than, like I make decisions to make the world full of rainbows and butterflies and that is offensive to me. Plus I got tired of kids asking if I was a student teacher when I was coteaching. Pride is a real thing. My problem at Parkview was I couldn't have my own room-and it is so fun to have a room. Plus I just wanted to prove that I COULD get an reg ed job (who I was proving it to, I am unsure. Myself?) And finally, I got tired of planning out lessons to have half the class be totally uninterested. I complained about the paperwork, but it didn't really bother me. I don't mind deadlines.

Coming to Hickory also allowed me to bring Alec and Liam the first year I was here and Liam came the second year, too. Personally, I don't WANT Alec at Hickory. It has a weird feeling in the elementary and I don't feel like it is where I want my kids. It's not bad-just...not my people. 

    So why am I unsure of FACS? Well, first of all, I have listened to many groups of teachers and a common complaint is that is unfair that related arts teachers get paid as much as regular teachers. Another complaint is that untested subjects get paid as much as tested subjects. Now related arts teachers in middle school have 6 classes rather than the 5 the core subjects have, but again, I don't want people whining that I am not working as hard. People have also complained that SPED is easy, but it isn't. Planning a basic class is just as much work as planning a regular education class. Yes, there is less grading, but sometimes you are grading 5 or 6 different levels of reading comprehension, so it isn't cookie cutter. But yes, the emphasis IS off of standardized testing and that is nice. 

    

    As for regular ed, I am a year and a half in and I STRUGGLE with managing a full class. I CAN'T focus when people are talking and I can't seem to manage the quiet, calm classroom when there are so many in there. 

I'm the Problem, It's Me

   

Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash

I WISH I were soaking up the sun.

  I took a few UberEats calls after an early morning wake-up, but suddenly everything coming up on the screen seemed a bit too much. I noticed as I was driving a slight ache in my throat and an ache in my lower back. I was struck with a sudden bad cold last week which only was really bad for a day or two, but I don't see how I could possible be sick again. I have had the flu shot, so hopefully whatever it is will be mild and pass quickly. I will go back out and work some later. Right now I just had to get back and bed and snuggle myself a bit.

Identity

    I have been thinking a lot about identity. Why some people just seem to be so sure of who they are and so focused on what they do. Others of us flounder about trying to catch that one perfect sign that says, "This is you. This is what you are to do." And when we find that sign we still doubt it and keep on searching. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't certainty, but rather the choice to focus. Maybe it isn't a feeling, but a thought process. Maybe chasing feelings is futile because they always change. But thoughts can change, too. I don't know. Why are some people so sure and others are never settled?

    Sometimes I become devastated when I get a glimpse into how others see me. I feel as if  see myself much more positively than other people view me. I feel as if I have more faith in me than others. Of course, I also know others only get glimpses of me, and I am bad about making silly statements to throw people off-often without realizing I am doing it. It just comes out. So they make judgements based on half-truths-that aren't exactly intended to be lies-just to buy my feelings and core a little privacy and space. But I think ultimately, although I view myself fairly positively, a part of me is afraid that the others are right and I am wrong. And it isn't that they don't think I am great, it is that maybe deep inside I am afraid I am not. And when that is reflected in others, it makes me doubt. 

    Choices or the Illusion of Them

Okay. The day has passed. I took a Tylenol and felt better. Illness solved. But the gray skies have been weighing on my soul and I am so sad that I feel the new principal is giving up on me. I wanted to leave sped because of the boredom and isolation and I know I have been holding back as a team member because I was so afraid after trying for SO long to get a regular ed job that someone would point me out and say, "Hold up! You don't belong here." And now I feel that that has happened. And I know it isn't just about me. It isn't about my feelings at all. And it shouldn't be. It's about getting good test scores, good education, and low discipline referrals. I just feel hurt that everyone is giving up on me too soon. And while I might enjoy teaching FACS, as a related arts teacher, I will HAVE NO TEAM. I WILL BE MORE ISOLATED than I ever was in SPED. I am so lonely now I can hardly breathe sometimes (but again it might just be the gray weather and winter break), how will I bear it?  So I think I could go back to sped, as long as I am in a decent size school, particularly secondary, I should have coworkers, but with all the talk about dissolving the department of education, this puts sped jobs in a risky place. Maybe teaching 27 kids at once IS too much for me. But I CAN teach small group. I love having 10 to 15 kids. But obviously, I want to be wise. I don't want to have an emotional kneejerk reaction and not choose carefully. I hate that all this weight falls on my shoulders. I feel I can't afford to screw up. And don't tell me I need a man. I always attract men who lean very heavily on me and do not make me feel secure. Maybe I should date a woman. Women tend to be stronger. Eh, I wouldn't really know what to do with a woman. I like those manly arms. Sigh. Anyway, I guess I can make the most of this semester I have left. I wish I had gotten an online job so I didn't have to uber so much. I would have more time to work on my classes. I am feeling a little loserish all around lately. But it's okay. It's me. I don't commit 100% then I wonder why people aren't loyal to me. Thank god for red wine. But I only have the one cup, sadly. I need to plan a game night. I can't take this constantly being with my own thoughts.

Happy Friday night!

I just love Harry Styles voice.

November and coffee cups

Photo by Niki Clark on Unsplash

 It's a grey November morning. That's the best kind. Well, a grey November morning when I don't have to work. That's the best kind. When all the leaves have fallen from the trees, as most of them  have, and I can clearly see all the neighboring yards in the back, my own yard seems so much smaller. It's strange-in one way, the cold of winter is isolating, yet in another, I can clearly see the happenings of the household behind once the leaves have fallen and the cold has come.

    Tierney and her family are not coming today, as she feels it would be too hard since the baby had his surgery to keep him still, and I fear the light at the table will be diminished. Tierney, Jake, and her boys bring a boisterous torch to the room. 

    I hope it stays grey all day. I also think with the all day, I should have spelled it gray. The double ay looks nice.

    I have decided to just clean 10 minutes out of every hour. What gets done, gets done. Liam is making the turkey and mashed potatoes, and I will make the dressing (just stove top), sweet potatoes, canned corn and warm the pies and rolls. It's simple, but enough. My dad is bringing a turkey breast, and I presume the others will bring something. Honestly, if I could discipline myself to always clean 10 minutes out of every hour when I am home, my house would probably be fine. I want a clean house-I even read books on it (I am pure excitement, baby), but I like the theory more than the practice, I suppose. I have a stack of library books I have not been reading. I finally paid off my fine after a year, and now I am so out of the reading habit. I need to just-do-it. Probably I need to get the television out of my room and keep my phone elsewhere. I used to read so much pre-internet, and definitely pre-smart phone. Eventually some book will be good enough to pull me in, I guess. But those books-the ones that grab you, suck you in, and have you dreaming hard of another life, are rare. Most are just okay.

    I have a lot on my mind, but nothing to really share. In fact, I just wrote a long paragraph and deleted because not everything needs to be shared with my 12 readers, who don't actually subscribe. Hell, it could be the same person clicking on it to read multiple times. Or just clicking on it to make me feel better. That's sweet. 

    There is an airplane above the clouds and I am envious. I want to take my kids somewhere cozy. I want to visit a Christmas market in mainland Europe and then settle in a Scottish cabin and just sit. Somewhere with room for the boys to run and play, and quiet for me to just exist. I don't think that is too much to ask. Then we will head to an apartment in a city and visit the ballet-the theatre-the museums. I suppose that would get old after awhile, wouldn't it? 

    Happy Thanksgiving. A lone bird is tweeter-tweet-tweeter-tweeter-tweeting outside my window. 

I wish my mom were here. She would call several times, wanting to talk about the food, and I would half listen-irritatedly, because food is boring, as you discovered when you read the fourth paragraph today. I feel jaded that the Thanksgiving story was not just as we imagined, all the fairy tales of youth slipping away into something harsher. Obviously,  I wish Caleb were here. He could enjoy a game with us.  Anyway, it's eight a.m. Time for another 10 minutes of cleaning. 

Moby Dick

 I have told this story before-and it has no point-so if you don't wish to gather around now, I understand.

You have been warned.

                                              Photo by Marcus Woodbridge on Unsplash

    Ahab's Wife came into my life in 2002. It held everything I loved about a book-romance, passion, a bit of academia, wistful settings. More than anything I longed to be Una having Captain Ahab crushing me to him with his passionate obsession. I wanted to walk in intellectual circles and live on Nantucket and discuss astronomy with Maria Mitchell. I was drawn in, a little obsessed, and knew that was the life for me. 

    Now my grip on reality is strong enough to realize I couldn't be a fictional character living out life in the 19th century on Nantucket. But suddenly I was interested in Astronomy enough to take classes in college and convince myself I had the brainpower to study it, at least temporarily. I couldn't have a whaling sea captain fall in love with me, but I could light a kerosine lantern at night and fumble through pages of Moby Dick in bed. 

    I never made it through Moby Dick. I haven't read Ahab's Wife in years. I am not an astronomer. I am not a great conversationalist. I haven't had any of the things I though I could conjure up with hope back in 2002. 

    But it is November-such a romantic month.

            

“November is usually such a disagreeable month...as if the year had suddenly found out that she was growing old and could do nothing but weep and fret over it. This year is growing old gracefully...just like a stately old lady who knows she can be charming even with gray hair and wrinkles. We've had lovely days and delicious twilights.”  ~L.M. Montgomery

I always feel a little more like the real me in November. So I am snuggled up in bed, my fake fireplace heater blowing warmth into my room, soft pjs, and wooly socks cradling my body. This is the sort of day when I can be the me I should be. When I can imagine my days are spent climbing over rocky shores as grey, storm-driven waves crash upon themselves at my feet. I am Anne scrambling home to her house of dreams. I am Una of lofty thought and wise words. I long to be free of musts and have-to tonight. 

And I am sleepy and have forgotten my point. 

Good night. 

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times

 

                                    Photo by Doyo Hermann on Unsplash

Just kidding, it's probably neither.

    I am worn out. My legs toned up so much from all the walking last week, but I am having difficulty keeping it up. It is just so unnatural to walk in Springfield. I like walking with a purpose to get somewhere. But doing so in Springfield is just weird. I would have to cross Campbell street to go to Walmart and there is very little else to go near here. Yes, I could walk the neighborhood or go to the nature center, but that isn't walking with a purpose to me. That's just boring (occasionally it's fine, but every day?).

    I feel a little sluggish and guilty for not Ubering last night and this morning. Yes, my brain is tired and needs a little retreat, but I feel the need to pay for all my extravagant spending (extravagant by lower middle class standards that I probably am on one income), and just don't want to. My car is about 3 months overdue for an oil change and I am struggling with 1) allocating the money and 2) dealing with the upsell pressures from the oil change shop. 

    I have been a little moody-and I hate that. I hate the even keel of not being moody, too. I like it when I feel just on the edge of depth and sensitivity, but not to the point of depression and darker thoughts. It's a tightrope to feel enough to infer meaning, but not so much it seems hopeless. I don't have a lot to look forward to now that my little weekend trip is over, so I need to plan something to add a little anticipation and excitement to my world. 

    I am a little bored with Christmas. I am trying to eat less sweets, so there is no baking anticipation, and I never am good at anything anyway. I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds, I just struggle in the practical skills department. What I would like to do? Maybe plan a themed Christmas that other people do the hands-on practical labor and skills. But that's not going to happen, and I don't have the funds anyway. I feel like social media push push pushes overdoing everything. I am so burned out with bucket lists and forced excitement. It is starting to make everything feel like a must do and not very authentic anymore. Everything is starting to feel...fake and forced. I am losing belief in everything. And maybe that is okay. Because maybe on the other side is something more meaningful and authentic-I don't know. But right now, it feels like a lot of forced cheer with no real magic in it.

    I am not going to achieve the life I wanted and it still burns a little. I thought about going back to school for writing-I need to work on my writing skills, but most writing programs require submission of writing samples and I have kept nothing from college. And I don't even know that any of it was good enough anyway. Some bright middle schoolers write as well as I do. Wanting to do something isn't talent. I want to tumble like Simone Biles, but it isn't going to happen.  I know this is a me problem. This is a direction and focus problem, and yet...maybe all this sense of purpose and direction and focus is MADE UP. Maybe we are just primates eeking out an existence and reading way too much into everything. I know this is where people choose to cling to faith, but the majority of the faithful are hateful and blind to their own faults, just as I am to mine (Well, I am selfish, hide my feelings behind untruths, share too much and yet am not open enough, am a little boring, crave stimulation and security simultaneously, can be very hard to please-sometimes deliberately so, I brag too much and have too little to show for it, and my pride is off the rooftops, lazy, and lack of vision---there's a few of my faults). Anyway, whatever. Things that are good about me? I don't know. It's so much harder to tally goodness, isn't it, because we yearn to fix our faults, but our good things (there is a word I can't find-which worries me-my brain worries me in the past few years) seems so common place. My ex used to tell me not everyone thinks and cares like I do, and I don't know if that was a compliment or an insult, especially when I know how petty I can be. 

    Anyway, this post is a drag, isn't it? Thanks for being my internet therapist couch! 

    I need to get my house in order. Can the brain be in order when the environment is disorderly? I don't think so. I ordered some cleaning supplies, so I am excited for that. The boys really do destroy things faster than I can keep them up. I know some day they will be gone, so I try to accept that, but I always did yearn for a beautiful home. I need to not get new pets when these are gone. Pets are smelly and destructive. But I do like them and baby pets are so hard to reject. But I have two cats and two dogs and that is more than enough. Shatner doesn't have a lot more time. He is now 13. He may have a couple more years left. I need to have the strength not to replace him, though. I need to think long term.

    Welp, all the deep thoughts I imagined sharing with you are not happening, because I am hyperaware that I need to brush my teeth and it is bugging me. Why can't coffee leave a good taste in the mouth?

    Have a good one!

    Definitely a Hurricane morning.

    

My Big, Bad Trip to New York

 Do I need a comma between big and bad? I am unsure. I remember my writing classes and my trusted Chicago Manual of Style, but I was always so annoyed with the nitpicking of the rules. It was one of the reasons I couldn't mesh well with the English students. Like, I mean, I wanna do it correctly, however, I don't want to HAVE to do it correctly, you know? I want to just do it effortlessly.

    My trip is over now and it's time to process (which I do through writing and preferably sharing with others-it's my thang!). Let's break it down.

    Friday

    I woke up in the morning feeling like-no wait-nevermind. I felt tired. It was about 2:00 a.m. when my alarm went off. I got dressed, brushed my teeth, had a quick cup of less than stellar coffee, and then at 2:30 or so left to get Taryn. I awoke Liam to come down and lock the door and left the key for them to lock up later.  We went to the airport. As it turned out, the gates to the gates don't even open until four a.m. so we definitely could have slept another hour. We flew to Dallas/Ft. Worth and then on to LaGuardia. Initially, I had considered using Ubers to ride to and from the airport, but that's a lot of money, so I decided just to park in long-term parking in Springfield, and then take public transportation to Manhattan. It was fine. We got on an M70 bus which was free from LaGuardia to get to the subway station and then got on the train google maps told us to get on. It was going in the wrong direction, so we had to ride to the end where it turned around, but that was fine. So we left Queens and went into Manhattan. Really with a smart phone nothing is hard anymore. We walked around a bit, until it was check in time for the hotel. The hotel room was small, but good. Very clean. The worst part was the coffee maker didn't work, which made mornings a wee bit foggier than normal, and there wasnt't an iron. I am sure they could have gotten me an iron to use, if needed, but I decided a few wrinkles didn't matter.  

    Romeo and Juliet

    After that we relaxed until it was time to go to the show. The show wasn't far (is anything?), but we wanted to leave by 6. I had heard the actors came about about 15 or 20 minutes before the show and you could take pics/videos then. We headed out and it was so crowded. We stayed in Times Square area and I felt like we were in the center of the world. Everyone was relaxed, probably mostly tourists, and the atmosphere was happy and fun and ALIVE. We got to the theatre a little before 6:30. After going in, we went downstairs into a basement lobby where people were hanging out and there was a table set up encouraging the youth vote. I bought an adult beverage-the Capulet-which was crazy expensive at $38 dollars and tasted like tropical punch with some vodka or something thrown in. It was like something you'd get a college party in a well, basement. But hey, I got a plastic souvenir cup, so there is that!

    Then we headed to our seats. Our seats were really fantastic. We were in the front row, although the theatre was intimate enough that any seat would have been fine. There was some floor seating around the corners, but I was happy where we were. So this is where the evening got a little bumpy. I took a couple pics of the supporting characters as they came out, as did many other people. The instagram rumor was that it was okay before the show started. Obviously I was waiting on the main stars to come out to snap some pics. I wanted Kit Conner in my own phone, damn it! I would take some of Rachel, too, to avoid being creepy of course, gotta hide the crush at my age, but still. Anyhoo, some lady walked directly up to me and told me no pictures and videos. Okay, that's fine. I had only taken two pictures anyway. Now was I disappointed I wouldn't be capturing Kit in my own phone? Absolutely. Was I, as a teacher, going to take a pic anyway, No way. I am one of those people who do not get away with things. So I nodded and said, " Oh, okay." Unfortunately, my phone was upright in my lap and my camera was on, and I was embarrassed and fumbly and didn't notice.  She immediately cracked down on that, and said she knew I was planning to wait for her to leave to film more and it would be very bad she had to ask me to leave. I was mortified. I might have done that when I was 10, I would NEVER have done that now.

    So here I am, trying to look agreeable and cool, feeling all the eyes on me, and just not really happy. I planted a contented smile on my lips trying to look cool, and put my phone in my purse. Then over the next 15 minutes watched a dozen other people taking photos and selfies and noone saying anything to them. Like really, did she just not like my face or something? To get over the embarrassment because I was determined to enjoy myself, I started sipping my adult beverage more quickly. This was my downfall however. about 45 minutes into the show, I HAD to pee, so badly. And it was in the middle of the balcony scene. I waited until Kit slipped away momentarily, because I figured that would interrupt the scene the least, and went to the bathroom (which was down another long flight to a second basement). Of course,  then I and several other small-bladdered females had to wait in the lobby until intermission. I left right before the iconic pull-up kiss, too. I had already seen it a dozen times on instagram, but still.

    

But I survived. I really loved the supporting characters; a couple were quite fantastic. Rachel is cute as a button and brave, and Kit is very fine looking, although his youth was very apparent, I totally felt like a creeper, and just seeing his young face helped quell the crush. I was determined not to be star-struck like I was I went to see Counting Crows and was too embarrassed to look at Adam Duwitz, and I didn't want to be a creeper and just stare at Kit like I desired. So I made a decision to only look at the person talking. I know, I know, I have issues. Almost everyone is there to see Kit or Rachel, so it doesn't matter. But alas, I do hide my feelings quite often, and I was determined to do so now as well. The unfortunate side effect is I remember almost nothing about Kit from the play. I don't remember facial expressions or anything. I gazed so easily upon the others but I just didn't glance at his handsome face enough. Oh well. My impression of the play was that it was fine. Nothing stood out too much, but I was not moved to tears and as someone who cries easily during movies and plays, that was odd. Perhaps if I had seen Mercutio slain I would have felt more, but I was in the lobby awaiting intermission at that time. We didn't stick around for autographs because why? After that we headed back toward the hotel. It was so nice just to be out in the world with the sea of people around us.

Was New York dirtier than I remembered? Absolutely. As we walked we were met with intermittent odors of garbage and sulfur, weed and delicious food smells. All of these could be within 20 feet of each other and it was absolutely wonderful. Were there homeless? Yes, but Springfield has homeless, too, so that wasn't anything new.

    Saturday

    We awoke on Saturday morning which is when I discovered my coffee maker was not working. We had tickets for the American Museum of Natural History, which for some reason I thought was at nine, but it turned out to be ten a.m. We took a subway ride closer to Central park (only $2.90 to ride the subway), and then got out, found the park. At some point, I realized my mistake with the time we were going, so we decided to walk around a little more. Central Park was in the midst of autumn glory and a marathon was ending around the edge of the park, so the blue-skied crisp morning was greeted with occasional cheers as someone passed the finish line. The skyline against the park horizon was absolutely lovely. We have all seen Central Park as depicted in movies and this did not disappoint. Everything felt so familiar and comfortable. I could almost swear I saw Ansel Elgort in the park, but obviously I pretended not to notice. There were a few more people who looked like I had seen them before, but they weren't big enough that their names jump out to me, over the course of the weekend. 

    

    The museum was lovely, but that was more for Taryn. My interests are pretty solidly around space and earth science. Taryn was especially interested in the minerals and gemstones so we spent time looking at the shinies. I am probably more of an art museum person. I want to contemplate the person who created the thing and wonder about their motivations. Following the museum we headed back to the hotel to put our bags down and rest a bit. Taryn got some very spicy falafel over rice from a street vender and I am on generic Ozempic, so I don't get very hungry. I did slowly nurse a turkey wrap over the course of the day. We hopped a subway to head to the Harry Potter store further downtown, realized we were going the wrong way and fixed that and got to the store. It was so fun. The Harry Potter store was done SO well. I wish I had been able to save more money so I could have had the full experience, but just being there was a lot of fun. After the store, we stopped at le pain quotidien for a cup of coffee and then wandered around 5th avenue looking at touristy gift shops until our reservation time for the Empire State Building. It was so interesting to look at the 5th avenue apartments from the outside and then google their rent costs. They were outrageous of course. Some people were stepping out into private cars waiting for them and just looked like money was oozing out of their pores. Of course, tourists and students were everywhere. 

    The Empire State Building was well done. It was sleek and elegant and everyone was cheerful and excited to be there. I was exceptionally happy we went at night. The lights of the city stretched out 360 degrees away from us promising excitement and life whichever way we turned. And yet, when I stepped out on the balcony, the brisk cold wind made me feel as if I had been transferred into some other, surreal place. Inky black beauty bejeweled with lights of ruby and topaz lay all around us, and the city sirens, the constant city sirens, were faint and otherworldly. It was truly lovely. 

    After that we decided to walk back to the hotel to drop off our things and freshen up. Then Taryn had reservations at La Masseria where she treated me to a wonderful Italian dinner. The atmosphere was festive, the languages were intermingled and the Italians were looking very Italian. Even the Cabernet was superb, not a twinge of sour or too sweet, just mellow, warm red goodness.

 

       Sunday

      Although we had to awake at 5, the clocks fell back so we got a good seven hours of sleep or so. We popped up, tucked everything into our backpacks, and headed for the subway. I really love the subway system. It is easy and convenient and you can go wherever it will take you for only $2.90 a trip. I wish we had such amazing public transportation around here.  We went into Queens and then promptly missed our bus to the airport as we tried to get our bearings after we emerged from the subway tunnel. Thankfully, we had chatted with some young women who also were on the way to the airport as they looked for bus stop, too. The temperature was in the 30's and they decided to just call a Lyft and allowed us to share it with them. And that was that!

We walked over 5 miles on both Friday and Saturday and let me tell you the muscles in my hips are screaming. I wish I always had opportunities like that (walking with a purpose in a city that kept pedestrians in mind). 

    I am so grateful for my amazing family who helped with my boys and for the opportunity to go. Will I be paying for years for this trip? Maybe, but life is short and experiences are what it is all about.