Decision Paralysis

 I have struggled with difficulty making decisions since teenagerhood. It probably started in high school with my teacher vs. nurse vs. accountant dilemma. Sure, I wanted to do romantic things like be a writer or astronaut or doctor, but I do have an ounce or two of realism about me and bills need to be paid. I really just wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. It pains me to say that-because I know a lot of it is hype, even my grandma had to work-life wasn't always a Norman Rockwell painting for everyone, but being heavily influenced by Little House on the Prairie and other such romantic fantasies (because let's be honest, it's a cleaned-up, fictionalized world written for children-not nonfiction), I just longed for the simple life. 

Anyway, I think where I went wrong was a) romanticizing the world and b) not living enough and settling down too soon. I don't regret it-I wouldn't have had the experiences I did and my kids, but I see where it has led to a lifetime of finding me because so much of me was spread around to others so soon. And that's okay-in the past there weren't opportunities to find one's self. You got married, worked at home or somewhere, and did what you had to do to survive until death. We are lucky to live in the modern world where we can chase dreams.

Going back to college in my late 20s was hard. I wanted to learn about everything, a little (I guess I am a generalist), but I also had kids to figure out how to support. I changed majors 50 zillion times (officially, 7, but the HOURS I poured over the college catalog-man, I loved that thing with all the possibilities and opportunities). I would LOVE to work as a career counselor in college helping students, but alas, I am old and too tired to start over and I think you need a master's in counseling, and that's just gross. They'd probably make me talk about my real feelings and not this cleaned-up version. 

Anyhoo, my master's degree search was more of the same: Officially Elementary education, MBA, English Education Teaching, Master's of Geospatial Science, Master's of Public Admin., Master's in Library Science, before finally settling on special education, not out of desire, but because I needed a damn job already.

So when I started teaching math two years ago, I was delighted. I ALWAYS wanted to teach reg ed, and I finally had a job I felt really proud of. Granted it wasn't world history or geography or a foreign language (which I can't speak) or English or anything romantic, but I do enjoy doing math quite a bit, so that's fine. It's been okay. I loved that I never got bored. Maybe I was drowning, but you aren't bored when you are drowning! I do struggle with classroom management-though it got a little easier when the principal gave me a tip-I just needed to be louder and talk over them until they shut up-and it did usually work, amazingly. Waiting for them to be quiet and cueing them to be quiet was taking too much time. I also struggled with finding time to work with them one-on-one when they needed help, because  the class would start getting too loud when I stopped talking. There are a few issues here: I am very sensitive to noise and cannot hear well with background noise (I have a slight hearing loss in one ear and it does affect me), and I get confused when a lot of stimulation is flying at me. Tests scores were okay last year, so I figured something was going right. Now, this years test scores will likely go down a bit-they pulled more kids into a second algebra class, so there are fewer of the high flyers taking the 8th grade MAP test this year-this will affect the scores. I also had some really tough classes overall this year-two of my three eighth classes were rough. My 7th graders were super chatty, but respectful, overall. 

So, our FACS teacher didn't like FACS and wanted out. At the same time, my principal was my secret santa and had my paper saying how I loved collecting vintage homemaking books and magazines, and it seems obvious I would love FACS. She asked me if I would do it, and I very reluctantly said okay, and have been in a tailspin ever since. I feel like my budding identity was ripped away, and I can't find balance. Everything has spiraled away from me, and somehow I agreed to go back to sped at Hickory because there was an opening and the "pros" for sped were greater than the "pros" for FACS. But...I don't want to go back to a past job. I know expertise comes from time spent in a field, growing, but I want a little novelty. Plus, it's math sped and I prefer ELA sped. So I applied at Tierney's school because they need an Intensive support teacher badly, and it would be fun to work with family. I have that job contingent on references, but my I haven't gotten ONE of the other 7 jobs I interviewed for this year, Edit: I forgot I was offered the sped job at Pershing-whoops! 

and it makes me wonder, is it my interviewing, my age, or my references. 

I thought intensive support would give me that feeling of being in control of my day and be a little more like the home daycare I always wanted (with some academics, of course), but since I have never done it, I don't know if i would like it. Nine months is a long time to sign up for an unknown. 

But I feel like Hickory is ruined for me. If a math job opens, it will HURT me to see someone else do it.  I will have to move down to the 7th grade hall for the sped job, and I don't want to move. I don't want to go back to feeling invisible. I know plenty of people are known and respected as sped teachers-this is me and my issue-but I don't know how to overcome it. I know my nature is better suited to smaller group instruction-I get confused and overstimulated. 

So now I am in the position of feeling like I am letting EVERYONE down no matter what I do. I know, if life has taught me anything (like getting married at 19 when I didn't really want to because I didn't know how to nicely get out of it), it's that I need to think about myself and not everyone else's feelings. But that is hard to do. 

And I asked my principal yesterday if FACS was still a possibility and she hasn't answered, and I don't blame her, because clearly, I am a mess and a pain in the ass. 

I just want to be NOT bored and do good work and have good coworkers who are kind but also interesting and make everyone happy with my choice.

That's it. 

God help me. 

:o)

Ka-pow!

 That’s what my own head decided to do to me this week. And it’s rough. So my drama continues, but it isn’t nearly as big of a deal as I am making it. I think my fear of being trapped is rising up. And when you have a fear of being trapped (which for me means being bored and powerless to plan how my day unfolds) and you have a great need for security- well, there’s going to be tension. 

So my principal told me there was a sped math position opening at my school. Now FACS sounds more interesting than sped math, but I am not great at crowd control and I am beginning to doubt I will ever get better at it. My brain just locks up and I think why are doing this and it’s hard for me to implement strategies because I am too busy wondering why they are being buttheads. I’d kill to go back to school and learn all day. I decided sped math would be better as I would have more interaction with grownups during the day and smaller crowds to deal with. Don’t get me wrong- there are things about FACS I really want to do. I worked on a curriculum all last weekend for it. But I am over trying to get a whole classroom to care. It’s not fun. But I sort of want to explore that option. But I also feel like I made the best choice for my mental health and to utilize my skills. 

But then the being trapped part started to hit. It’s hard to get out of sped and I like to feel free. So I applied for a couple jobs casually, and one of them called my principal, who was not happy I had applied for another job. Which I understand. She wants things settled and ready to go. I would too. But that doesn’t help my trapped feeling at all. So with the surge of hormones (remember I am a pmdd sufferer-I SUFFER with hormones), and being told I was unprofessional (which I might be) I just have been feeling awful. Then a 7th grader expressed her delight that she would not be having me for FACS and it was just enough to seriously ruin my day. And y’all know I can be bitter. But the poison is seeping away and I have to hold firm to the knowledge that I made the best decision I could. It is impossible to have the best of both or all worlds. Something has to give. The best thing I can do is let the missed possibilities pass gracefully, which is a struggle for me, but perhaps that is the lesson to learn here. 

I really wish I wasn’t so self-centered. If I could focus more on the students and less on my feelings, all would be better. This lifelong identity crisis is getting old. Maybe there is a factor of will and self-determination involved in creating one’s identity and all the while I have just been heeding my feelings of the moment. 

The truth is- I love the math of regular ed. I love 8th grade math. But eighth graders are rough and I am tender hearted. And they see that and use that and dislike me for it. And that was my main fear about FACS. Which let’s be honest, I am a little sad about. But- a choice had to be made and I made the one that seemed best at the time. Now if my principal would stop hurting my feelings, all would be well.🤣 I think we just have very different personalities.  Most of all, I need to stop hurting my own feelings. I can believe whatever I want, so I should believe the best.

Too tired for a picture today. 

Happy Friday.

Worrying

Photo by Yulia Gadalina on Unsplash

 I am a worrier. I love nothing more than to ruminate over possibilities and torture myself over things that could go wrong. Am I doing the wrong job? Am I going to get in trouble? Am I going to be able to handle XYZ? Does this person dislike me and I just don't realize it? The problem wilthall this is: Whatever will come to pass, happens whether I worry about it or not. My worrying-my obsessing, just ruins today and make me unpleasant to be around. Especially since when I am worried, I can be a little bit hateful-maybe as a means to I don't know, protect myself somehow. 

I worry because I think if I hit on the right thought, the right word, the right support from others, I will be protected from the pain of what I am worrying about. But I think, it actually does the opposite. I think it creates a negative cloud around me that actually increases the likelihood of a negative outcome. Now, I will note that my worrying is pretty self-centered. This extends to my kids somewhat, as I worry about them being rejected quite a bit. And the fact that it is so self-centered must make it even more frustrating for others to have to listen to it. I am worried about this. ;o).

Seriously, though. The question is how to retrain my brain to prepare, but not overly worry. It is normal to be concerned about what may come. It is not normal to be in an obsessive cloud of trying to hit on the right thought in hopes that is will assuage the negative feelings. Maybe this is the thought. The idea of letting go of the concern. Until it comes to pass, it is really is out of my hands. I don't HAVE to let something ruin my day, my weekend. That is a choice I make when it happens. 

I had such a dream. I had just taken a job at Hillcrest for English (I was born to teach world history or earth science,but I was WORRIED I wouldn't be able to find a job-so I changed majors). Anyway, all the teachers were streaming in to start the first day back, I was disorganized and confused and was hit with this fear that I hadn't told anyone at Parkview I was leaving. They would realize it when I didn't show up and that was some comfort, but the problem with anything new is that you must leave something else behind in its place. 

And that is sad. 

Have a great Saturday. I have been hit by horrific allergies or a cold, I am not sure which, I have that elephant sitting on my face feeling. But it's freakin' weekend, and I am excited to have a chance to work, clean, and just be Jill. Need to buy some tomato plants.

But what does it mean?

Photo by Maksym Mazur on Unsplash

 I stepped outside myself today

outside looking in

The other me was quivering,

gelatin  for skin.

I took her hand and squeezed-she seemed smaller,

younger.

She talked too much about things

 noone cared to hear.

I watched her jokes fall flat.

She gazed at me timidly, 

embarrassed and ashamed.

But the real me smiled tenderly and squeezed her

hand more tightly. 

She asked why I don't leave her-take my logic

and rational thought and head into big world.

And I shook my head most gently.

Ah, the misunderstood so often misunderstand.

I cannot be without her. Her pain shaped my thoughts.

Her wavering emotions-ever-changing -

are life itself to me. Making her happy-

impossible deed! 

The quest will be my downfall.

And I gazed into her eyes and stepped back

into me.

The Quiet

 

Photo by David Monje on Unsplash

The world seems scary and dark right  now. The life so many have fought for-a life of progression, comfort, and hope-seems to have been snuffed out. and the multitudes of people who seem to delight in the oppression of others is astounding.

    The president continues to tear down our nation with the help of the clownish muskrat (I just can't bear to say their names). The GOP is handing them the keys. Many suspect Rasputin is behind it all (again, like Voldemort-I just can't with the real names). 

    The world is weeping-or seething- as we appear to betray our allies. I am ashamed. I wish-I wish freedom and love and self-expression were winning. I wish for this dark, unsettled sadness to dissipate. I with those with greater resources would want to see those with lesser live fulfilling lives instead of seeing them as tools for their own enrichment. 

    The future appears bleak. I want to fight, but we Americans are sheltered babies and we don't know how to fight back. We are awaiting a leader-will that leader ever emerge?

    And now as we wait-perspective shifts closer to home- to the small comforts which we hope to sustain us. 

    A sunny day.

    A bird song.

    A good cup of coffee (which I am currently NOT drinking-this coffee was bitter! Well, the German alpine packaging was pretty)

    Only so much is in our hands. We also still need to live and enjoy life even as the world seems to turn to ash. 

    We have to reach down in ourselves and discover who it is we are meant to be. Who we want to be. Not our profession-not our jobs-but who, deep in our core, are we?

    When will we stand and speak out?

    When will we hold our tongues and persevere? There is no answer. There is no rulebook. 

       If this bleakness-this storm-in which the fore winds have already arrived-is here(oh how the soul clings to the hope that I am just wrong!), then we need to plan our boundaries. What and who will we protect? At which point is martyrdom the right choice? Although I know eventually the earth will be no more, I want the seeds of the good to keep spreading. I want the children of love, hope, acceptance, and understanding to flourish and spread. Even if the seed falls in a barren desert, a concrete crack, may the light of goodness persevere. 

    I am not angry at the ignorant. They were led down this path by strong media forces hellbent on twisting their souls and passions towards hate. And the ignorant will feel the pain as much as any of us in the end. 

    I am angry at the educated. The selfish, racist, misogynistic educated who knew they were choosing fear and hate and did so anyway for greed or a sense of power. The evils of ignorance can be be-not forgiven-but understood. The evils of intelligence are more infuriating. 

    Hate may reign, but hate cannot win. Educate your people, keep the light burning in your heart. The future is never guaranteed, but life should be lived in the light. 

    Am I being overly dramatic and silly? God, I hope so.

It's Gonna Be a Snow Day!

Photo by Filip Bunkens on Unsplash

 I woke up around 4:30 which is fine because I went
to bed around 8:30. And I waiting to hear we were indeed going to have a snow day, and then I got up. It looks like we should get some significant snow for our area.

The job hunt. After my long drawn out post I suddenly realized-I don't have to job hunt. I can just do FACS. I was strongly considering asking for the position-I had even drafted an email- once I learned the current teacher wanted to change. So...it's all good. I do have two interview requests, but I am just going to decline them. I am tired. What I am looking for I am not going to find in another job. I need to work on classroom management and doing it in an untested subject is best for all involved. Middle school boys are tough. If it is awful then next year would be the year to try and shift. So. Whatever. It's not nearly as a big of a deal as I am have made it out to be. I just want to carefully craft something without an actual vision of what I want to craft. That's absurd. 

I really don't feel like changing jobs. I am tired. I would have taken the Kickapoo or Launch jobs, but that's pretty much it. Nothing else really feels worth starting over for at this point. 

Anyway I think we could get several inches of snow which is so exciting for the kids. I do miss the neighborhood boys all going out and playing together, but they are older and drifting apart. I didn't like them in my house anyway.

I will probably go out and uber a bit this morning. I still have the cold, but it isn't as bad today, and I need to get out of the house a little bit. Then I plan to put the laundry away which is pretty much my least favorite thing to do in the whole wide world. Well, sweeping the  floor is pretty bad. I want one of those fancy Dyson's, but the cost is prohibitive.  Then anything else I do is bonus. ;)

Oh, if I am making this commitment, I want to also start planning my curriculum for next year. I love curriculum planning as long as its my way and not the boring way the district wants us to do it that makes my brain freeze up and makes me look like an idiot.  I am sure the current teacher has some stuff  I can use, too.

So...bring on the beautiful snow. I wish we could do Christmas again. This past holiday season was so disappointing. I need more people and more visits. I want games and fun.

Later!

Changing My Mind

 It's been such a season already. Last night I was dramatically moaning about the horror that is my job search when I remembered I don't actually have to look for a job. I am not too much of a pro/con list because pros and cons can't hold a candle for what the gut has to say about the matter, however, I cannot feel the gut UNTIL I take positive steps towards something. Meaning, when I was in college, I didn't know how I felt about a major until I had met with the department chair and actually signed up for classes and purchased the books. Once it became real, I could get a feeling about whether I really wanted something or whether it felt right for me or not. It's a tough way to live, and I am fully aware that I come off as VERY flaky. It's sort of how I ended up at Hickory in the first place. First of all, when I did summer school there I had a strong feeling that I should be working there. Secondly, while I was in a pretty good position at Parkview with several basic classes to teach and was able to use the room mostly as I saw fit (though it was shared with a couple other teachers), I craved my own room. When I got the call that I had the job, I was happy to finally be successful, but also a little bummed because I wasn't unhappy at Parkview. I was bummed that I wasn't going to ever be department head, but I also know I am not a fan of making tough in-the-moment decisions and don't trust my judgement and one needs confidence in oneself to lead others well. But...we live in a world that praises leaders and gives false lip service to the team. Coteaching could be boring sometimes and made me feel dumb as rocks, but at the same time, it was always nice when I wasn't feeling well or was exhausted from lack of sleep to sit back and let someone else take the lead. Anyway, I was pleased to get the job-especially since I had the feeling that some people thought I hadn't really been serious all along about finding a job. I was-I am just bad at interviewing. Every now and then I will be "on" and hit it. Or maybe they are just desperate. Who knows? So even though, I sort of didn't want to change jobs, I felt I had to change.

Again, did I have to take the FACS job? I don't know. I felt pressured. I feel as if the current administration is pointing out my faults, but not serious about helping me build on any strengths. I haven't heard ANY strengths. My sixth graders were quiet and well-behaved and working (aside from one or two) and was told they were too sleepy and I needed to turn the lights up more. When some people form an opinion there isn't a whole lot you can do about that. When I implemented the changes suggested, they were not recorded or noted at all in the next observation I had. Only more negative. When I asked to please let me go observe the other eighth grade math teacher so I could get an idea of flow, I was told yes, but it hasn't happened yet. I was told I needed to implement a cool-down, WHICH I DID, it was just missed by the observer. It feels like this person's mind was made up early and I didn't have a shot. Now. Was someone directing their mind in a certain way? Meaning is someone else-I don't want to say sabotaging, because I do have flaws and that is rather charged language, but perhaps someone expressing deep concern because my methods are different than theirs and casting doubt on me? Maybe. But politics are part of the game and not a part I care to play. And let's be honest. I never sat around dreaming about teaching math. I mean, I like it, it's fun, but it is really hard for me to slow down when I am on a roll because I enjoy it so much. And kids need you to go slow. I guess. I just don't fit with the education system. And classroom management sucks because somehow I have to  keep it fairly quiet, while also implementing engaging group work, teach a lesson, keep track of school supplies, when angry students are swiping calculators to destroy for no good reason-probably because I asked them to be quiet and wouldn't let them sit where they want and play on their phones. And at the same time stay focused when so much is going on. I also really struggle to pick out what people are saying when there is background noise. Kids think I am just letting some kids get a way with saying bad things, but in reality, I just can't hear them. I do have a diagnosed slight hearing loss from childhood. It does affect me socially. And apparently professionally, too. Maybe I AM bad at it. Maybe I suck as a teacher and FACS is a way to move me to a place where it won't matter. Maybe the growth 8th grade made last year was the result of the other teacher and everyone is just too polite to explicitly tell me. 

What I really want is a small group-10 to 14 kids, and we just explore where it leads us in a subject. We could make portfolios-and have a little daily lesson, too, but really just get deep into our subjects as it aligns with our interests. I probably would need my own private school for that. And highly motivated students. And we could just like have a theme for the day or week or season and follow it and...well, anyway.

So job hunting. I went on two high school math interviews. The first, I wanted and would have liked. It was algebra, geometry, and algebra 2 at a Kickapoo. I really wanted it, I prepared for several hours. I didn't get it. Okay. That's two years in a row there-they just aren't that into me. The next was at Hillcrest which is so far away, and the job sounded dreadful. Thankfully I didn't get that. The third was Launch, which I knew was a long shot, but it is my dream job, and I didn't get that. Okay. The fourth was my old job at Parkview, except it was teaching sped math. I felt okay about it, but realized I didn't want to do sped math. I would always be angling to get back into those ELA/history classes. So I emailed them and said I was mainly interested in ELA, not math. At the interview they had mentioned the schedule was not complete so it was possible ELA could be done and people could be switched. So I wanted to let them know where I stood, so they could make the best decision for their needs and I wouldn't be "angling" because that feels icky. And I never heard back from them. Not even a not interested. So I am wondering if my email came across as me withdrawing myself from the job consideration. But alas, I will just call it fate if that's the thing. I am worried about SPED cuts anyway. It would stress me out. But it would have been nice to have the shorter commute and the shared office to chat with people in, and teaching novels again. Oh well. Maybe they just found the perfect candidate and forgot all about everyone else. Que sera, sera, n'est-ce pas?

So now I have a request for an interview interview at another middle school math position. This school would be a lower SES school, and the new building is sterile and weird. But I have interviewed with this principal before and I am just not sure I want to miss work again to go on an interview again. Honestly, my confidence is shattered at this point. I would like the shorter commute and the possibility of making a friend somewhere, because it just isn't happening where I am. The one person who was interested in hanging out with me was pushed out by the previous admin. I also like feeling like I matter to my workplace and core classes does that for me. It feels important and I need that feeling of mattering.

And so I think, why not just take the FACS job and see what happens. Maybe I will like it. Information-wise, I probably will, especially if we aren't having multiple meetings discussing pacing and test scores and all kinds of stuff that sucks the life and joy out of all that is good in education (which I am pretty sure is by design).  I won't have meetings. I will have an extra class every day to teach. I'll be lonely, but clearly that's my lot in life. I like to tell myself that it is because I am too proud and SOMEBODY in the spirit world and I had to come to this lonely existence on earth to learn a little more humility. Hey, it gets me through the day. 

But I really don't feel wanted or valued and I think it would better to go where I have a chance to feel that. And I hate the drive. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate the drive. I misplaced my keys and had to uber there a couple of weeks ago, and it was $20 before tipping. One way. What if my car breaks down? I won't even be able to work without depending on other people. I can't walk or bike there. My car has 176K miles. I am so disappointed I couldn't get hired at Kickapoo. That would have helped with so many little things.  I could have just ended my career there and been within walking distance. 

So yeah, I can set my pride aside and just do FACS and if I am lonely, so be it. Teachers usually last longer than admin anyway. But, what if it's the wrong choice. What if I am just not trying hard enough?

I need sleep. Alec has been following me at night where ever I go and he keeps snuggling and I am not a snuggler. It wakes me up. I am also annoyed that we aren't getting a snow day. I need a snow day badly.

Later! God, does anything match the first cup of coffee?