February is Hearts and Hope

 

Photo by Susan Holt Simpson on Unsplash

What else could it be? I have been very tired lately. The fatigue which used to plague me appears to have returned. I am not sure if it is the weather, the statin I started taking last month, or just a need to slow down and take it easy, but I have been dozing off on the couch while watching TV, not wanting to drive Doordash, and then, oddly, struggling to fall asleep once I make it up to my room. I guess I will just ride it out a bit. Maybe I need a few weeks to take it easy. 

    My house is a mess. The urge to find a new job is strong, but I am not sure why. I like my job. I love the kids. Sure I get bored, and the late hours suck (dismissal isn't until 4, which is AWFUL), but it works well for my family. I miss being off work by 2:45. Granted, I had to get there a lot earlier, but I am definitely putting in more time now. I am usually at work at least an hour before school starts. I just can't wait to get there until 8:30 contract, that seems crazy-late. I am happy that I am not tutoring. The money was nice, but I would hate to be there an extra hour and a half. The teachers seem  really nice and not as backstabbing and catty as some other schools, but maybe I just don't know them well enough.

     Maybe I need to start taking vitamin D again. I have stopped that. I also had a rare glass of wine last night. I have mostly lost my taste for alcohol, but thought it would be nice to have a glass last night. Perhaps that is why I feel so wiped out today. I stopped taking collagen for a month and the weird horizontal ridges have appeared on my thumbs again. Guess I need to restart that, too. 

    Tomorrow I am driving the 2.5 hours to take the boys to see their dad. I don't really feel like it. It's a long drive and boring and I have to drive home after. But, his parents help me out a lot, and I know they need to see their dad. I still look forward to when they can do this alone. I don't know that he will ever get out of his current group home. I feel for him-or the him he was 10 years ago, but the medicine is taking its toll on his body. I mourn for the past, but it wasn't all the great either. The times were hard then, too. I just have a knack for forgetting. 

    I have been very lonely this fall. For years, I was happy with the way things were and then suddenly, my singleness has been weighing on me. It's weird because frankly, I don't have the energy to mask my sloppy homemaking skills and sloth for a new person. Nor do I want someone as messy as me. I want someone who is a little more together, but doesn't mind my not being together. In a world that demands women be together, that seems unlikely. It's fine. It's probably just the cold weather. 

    So my life is the same old same old. Politics are exhausing, the world is sad, we are all hypocrites and I had to switch from generic zepbound to generic ozempic, and it doesn't work as well. So food noise is here, and I think about nachos a lot. Valentine boxes of candy are weighing on my mind as well

    Lately I am astounded by how smart and creative people around me are in their own way. The value of the adults I know extends beyond their beliefs, their education. They are just so capable is ways I cannot seem to manage. We are all so different and so worthy. 

    I wish I could put in a new tub and shower and bathroom vanities. I wish I could take the kids to England and Scotland and even New England. I was talking to someone about it, and they suggested and Alaskan cruise. I always wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise, but I really feel the need to visit Great Britain. I don't know why. Probably Netflix shows.

Is it naptime yet? I feel guilty for not working more.

It's Gotta Be the Weather, Right?

 Oh, grey day of my soul! Seriously, the world is dark and heavy. I don't mean in that in a "Oh, look at what the powers are doing now!" Not that that shouldn't be looked at-but this is a personal gloom I have entered in. It's been here a week or two and now it is heavy. First of all, I wrecked my car. I wrecked my car at a time when I have no personal savings. I wrecked my car that I am using to supplement my very needed income. 

I have not gotten an online job in a year and a half and it HURTS. First of all, the money, obviously. Secondly, I had been teaching math in my online classes, and I LOVED it. Third of all, it's just such a great and different way to interact with kids and their families. I am grieving it beyond the loss of income. It made me happy. So anyway, that is out of my hands, but I had grown dependent on the extra income. And they cut summer school back to one month rather than two a couple of years ago. Another knock to my single parent income. So delivering food had been my lifeline. Our, we can still be somewhat middle class, and make my kids lives fun and good, lifeline. And boom. Just like the embankment I drove down and up, I have slammed quite literally into a cement wall (okay, driveway ) and am without a way to earn extra income. 

I am going to be okay, I can juggle, I have some people, and worse case scenario, I can make some choices and do some stuff. Now, though. I am stuck in my house on a cold, cloudy day in January, and I don't know what to do with all this time. Gabe and Alec are napping, Liam is quiet in his room, and loneliness is seriously heavy today. It's kind of weird. I am such an introvert-this should be my dream day, and yet, I sit here feeling like I should be out making money and seeing people in the world. It's gross. I am having flashbacks to the first summer after my ex left (necessary and right for the situation), when I when I would get home from summer school, work on a project and just...be so lonely. I ache for younger kids, and I ache for my grown kids. Two teen boys and a on-the-cusp of nine year old boy aren't the best company for my feminine self. I know Tierney has plans tonight, or I would BEG her to come over. Taryn usually has lots to do, and frankly, I feel like I make her a little uncomfortable. She too is quite introverted, and we are an odd lot, the introverts. Besides, I don't want to ask someone to let me bring them down with me. I just ... will be happy when the sun comes out again. 

So I remind myself that these hard times are necessary. Necessary is a strong word-loaded with implications and beliefs which may or many not be true. Perhaps unavoidable is a better word. I guess knowing myself, I have always chosen necessary because I have bought into the idea that there is something more to life-some meaning, which requires our growth and change. So necessary is the idea that we have to weather the bad to stretch ourselves to become more. But on a grey day, it feels just a little unavoidable. Just bad luck that happened, and there is not choice but to deal with it. 

I should pick up a book. Of course, now that I don't have a car, I long to go to the library. Ha! I am pretty sure there is a stack of books for my class I need to pick up. Lots of snow and wintery stories for January. 

I should try and get my printer working and work on printing things for my class. 

Part of me wants to try and get a regular education job again. I like how challenging it is, and I like feeling like I am actually an important player in the school. The pride is strong in me. But, I also like what I do now. I like the kids, and the rhythm, and the freedom, and not having young people mutter things at me, and feeling like a complete failure. I like being left alone by admin.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel amazing, and I feel like I have a lot of learning and growth to do, but a good part of my job is patience and love, which comes easily to me with these kids. It's just very different. Also, when things aren't right, changing jobs is just a great way to throw everything up and let it all fall. What I mean is, it just shakes everything up and opens up new possibilities and opportunities, and experiences. It makes everything exciting again. 

I think I need to do more. I have been thinking about going to church again. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat it-my faith is not what it used to be. When I was young, people always commented on how strong my faith was, but it isn't now. I am full of doubts and questions. But what I long for is a group of people who believe there is good and believe they can be the good and who do something about it. I want to be a part of something. So please don't invite me to your conservative bible thumping church-I am happy you have a place to belong, but I don't belong there. But I think there is a place for me. I just need to put on my big girl panties and get myself out there. You know, once I have a car.

I am starting to feel a little better. First of all, my curtains are closed and I am in lamplight. It is making my bedroom feel creamy and warm and cozy. 

Maybe I will go watch a show. I tried earlier, but ended up just taking a nap. I am excited to go back to work on Monday. When I do have a car again, I might try and get a parttime job at a library. I think I would enjoy it, and I think I need more time with adults. On the other hand, maybe focusing a little more time at home with my boys is what I need. This mood will pass, right? It probably is just the weather. 

Christmas Day

 

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

Guys! It's been hard this year. I am not sure what is going on. I am not sure if it is the uncharacteristically warm weather, or the fact that I didn't do the proper Christmas lead-up rituals (I never did get around to watching the musical Scrooge movie, It's a Wonderful Life, any Meg Ryan rom-coms, or even a Little House on the Prairie Christmas episode. It just didn't happen for me this year. 

    Alec is playing along, wink wink grin, about Santa, but I know he knows and now I have no more little children. And it's okay. It's just life, but melancholy is seeping into my bones today. I miss my mother immensely. When this feeling would hit in the past, I would go to her house Christmas night, a brother or two would come over and we would play games and get a little tipsy. That home has been gone for 13 years now and I am just making the best of it. My own grown girls have other people to see and Christmases to hold, and it should be that way. But here I sit with three big boys. 

    Honestly, I think the problem is we went to visit the kids dad and grandparents today. For years, this was typical Christmas day travel, a drive, a meal, present opening, a walk, a drive home. I had another adult with me. Having not been with Karl since 2021, that romantic link is gone, but there was still an underlying friendship and comfort which is just slipping away now. Everything is different. Last December, the kids' grandpa had a stroke, and though he was home for Christmas, he was very weak and things were much-changed. Over this past year, we have been driving out to see them at their house or meeting them halfway at an arcade for a couple hours. Initially there was talk of when he would feel strong enough to come to Springfield, and it seemed as if he was getting better. But now, I think, this isn't going to happen. I think so many lasts have already occurred for the kids relationship with their grandparents and they do not know it. So I was the cheerful ex-daughter-in-law, happily going along, walking with the kids outside, because the grandparents seemed too tired. His grandpa did manage to pull himself up the few steps to the deck and sit with us a bit. He did not walk to the car to wave us goodbye as usual. 

    Karl is weaker each time I see him. He is five years younger than me, but his body is weak and he moves as if he were 15 years older. He has tremors from his medicine and he is need of good dental care. It is painful to see. He did get me some thoughtful presents from the market in his small town, the only shopping he really has. I really need to work on teaching Liam to drive. At some point, Karl's parents will be gone and the boys will need to go visit their dad. I don't know if I can be that link forever. I don't know. It's hard.

    And it hit me today, each visit could be a last. Of course, that is always a possibility, but now it is becoming a likelihood. This could be the last Christmas meal Maria cooks for us. This could be the last cash-filled envelope they hand the kids. They have already stopped purchasing the little toys and thoughtful gifts. The kids no longer play on the floor of the sunroom with a new toy; their grandparents no longer put up a Christmas tree. I may never sit on the sun-drenched deck while the boys run among the trees, placating their father who is desperately trying to maintain a relationship with them.

    It just feels a little sad. 

    However! All is not lost. The new episodes of Stranger Things are coming out tonight and Gabe and Alec and I have plans! And next week, Tierney and Jake and her kids are coming over to watch the final episode and I am so looking forward to that. I need to plan more game nights, too. There was a streak when they just weren,t working out, and I stopped planning them. But I need to start again. It's worth the effort. 

Merry Christmas! Maybe I will watch the shows this weekend, and refill my spirit:o)

How I feel:

How I want to feel:

A Week Off-Long Awaited

   

Photo by David Stamm on Unsplash

  We have been informed that next year, we will only have the typical Wed/Thursday/Friday break for Thanksgiving, but for this year, we have the whole week. And it is delightful. The weather is quite Novembery today-damp, grey, cool, but not cold. This is Southern Missouri, you know. I awoke quite early, around four, and delivered food for a few hours. After that, I came home and was suddenly very tired. I think the food delivery all weekend finally caught up with me. And now, I am slowly working on straightening the library for Thanksgiving. It's pretty straight, floor swept, but with three boys in the house nothing lasts for too long. I have been sitting near the faux fireplace heater when I am too cool and then away when I am too warm. It's never just right, is it?

    My thoughts have been peaceful-a discovery of self. Or a rediscovery. At times when I am too stressed, I feel fragile, flippery (is that a word?-I feel it), outside the world and odd. When I am relaxed, I feel fine. I know I need to build relationships, but I am okay as it is. Sometimes, driving around, delivering food alone, I come to all the conclusions, and I understand it all, but it slips away before I can share. I think it all boils down to not learning healthy boundaries, not being safe talking about feelings growing up, and not being taught how to deal appropriately with strong feelings. 

    As a parent, I wanted to do so much better, but I know I didn't talk about feelings enough either. I sort of thought maybe if we all just kept our chin up, it would all work out. 

    Eh, well. It's a process, I suppose. I think the real strength is not in unbridled optimism, but in the knowledge that even if it doesn't work out like we planned-we will get through it. 

    Anyway, there's much more to the journey, but it doesn't all need to be shared. Sometimes I wish I had learned so many lessons so many years ago, and perhaps that is what a good therapist can help someone do, but you know me. I'd rather take the long way and buy something fun with my money. 

    Work is fine. It isn't easy, but it is fine. Sometimes it is boring, but let's be honest. Everything is boring sometimes. Sometimes I thought about teaching math and new classes coming in and out all day and I wondered if I was up for that the rest of my life. I knew I wasn't feeling it for cross-cat. At least in my room, I get to make my schedule, teach a wide variety, and do things my way. As it is, I am slowly adding more. I know I could do much better and much more, but my brain will lock everything out, refuse to do something new until, somehow, it loosens, and clarity and understanding wash over me, and I can see and add something new. I simply cannot force myself to learn/change until that chemical wash floods my brain. I really can't describe it. Does anyone else feel this?

    I really long for a warm, cozy, fisherman sweater, tweedy, menswear-inspired wardrobe this fall. I am not buying clothes this fall, but it is what I want. 

    My backyard fence needs repaired. I am waiting someone to volunteer-name their price. It is hard always asking for help. No, not hard. Just discouraging when noone wants to help. 

    I am eager to travel somewhere. But, bills first. I haven't really been entertaining the idea of travel, because I want to pay down my debts. Then I can focus on the fun. For now, so much else exists to derive pleasure from. The rushing warmth of morning coffee. The joy of a payment hitting my account. A meal the kids enjoy. A good YouTube video, and snuggling into bed at night. All of these bring their own magic to an ordinary day.

    I do want to shop. I want to find the perfect item which holds the essence of the feeling of .... something...I crave. Some lifestyle, some dream. Something magical that puts the pieces together and ties a bow on the top. 

    I really must visit a cozy New England lighthouse on a stormy, blustery day soon. I think that is a reasonable thing to expect. Cozy candles in lighted windows, and white curtained paned windows promising warmth and companionship. This is what I need. 

November-oh month of joy!

       Okay, the title may be a little over the top. I do always love a good November day, however. I probably depart from Anne on this...I am not sure Anne would love a November day. But to me, the wet, the grey, the fallen leaves, all represent something-something beautiful. I think nostalgia is wrapped up in a November day. It's been a challenging couple of weeks. Two weeks ago, I got such a bad cold, and then last week-while still somewhat sick, I hurt my back. Not sure how I hurt it-stretching, restraint, moving classroom furniture, or maybe a combination of the three, but it has hurt for a week now. It is now getting better-I was able to Uber after work today for the first time in days. I still have to brace myself when moving from sitting to standing-taking on my weight to stand is painful, but otherwise, I think I am on the mend. 

      I do have one major looming problem-I have no regular coffee grounds in the house for tomorrow. Which means I will have to out with my car before I have a cup of coffee, in order to get a cup of coffee. I know-scary, right?

    Entertainment-wise, I have been enjoying season 2 of Maxton Hall. I mean it has its element of unbelievable, but it is still nice to watch.

     This is the first Christmas in a while that I feel very behind on shopping. I have just been so broke this year. It's not the most pleasant way to live, always juggling this and that, but what can I do? I have been unable to keep up with the housework much over the past couple of weeks and I am really hoping I am well enough this weekend to straighten and clean the place up.  

    My job is weird. I never see anyone. I see the same few teachers in the hall, but I don't have a lot of time to chat. There is always so much to do. I don't go to meetings with the other sped teachers-I don't even know all their names. But whatever. People usually get on my nerves anyway. 

    I thought I had more to say, apparently not.

     

A Second and Happier Post

 

                                    Photo by Luke McKeown on Unsplash

It was spring of 1993. My husband and I drove to Hampton Beach in New Hampshire. The weather was warmly cool and ocean breezy. I walked out on an outcropping of rocks stretching into the sea. I was wearing a new outfit. To my 19-year-old self it felt so perfectly Atlantic oceany. White denim shorts-not too short, a v-neck thick white cardigan, and a raw silk tank in a perfect deep sea foam. My shoes were white keds-with the little blue tag on the back-my first pair of shoes with branding on them (well, I think I might have had a pair of Nikes in 5th grade). 

The waves crashed up and ocean spray rained upon me. It was perfect. 

A couple months later my mom would visit with my brother, stepfather, and stepsister, and we would taste the fresh fried scallops from the vendor. Deliciously hot. 

There was a rumor that people who drove alone on Pali Highway in Oahu might look in the rear view mirror and find they were not actually alone. I always found the night breezes through the palm trees rather eerie. I don't think I ever drove Pali Highway Eastward alone. Driving home from my Trigonometry course at Leeward Community College at night had its own moments of eerieness, however. I only went to college one semester in Hawaii, but it was a successful venture. My composition instructor asked to use my research paper as her example for the next semester, my world religions web page turned out good (thanks to my husband's coding-though we couldn't get the java to work right), and Trigonometry kept me busy many an afternoon, sitting on the swing working and erasing, working and erasing while the kids played nearby. 

But nights  in the dark had a quality. When Brian worked swings and mids our first year there, going to sleep, even on base was so scary. I guess part of it was my young age and belief in supernatural things. The young are so believing. I grew accustomed to it. The wild loneliness-not wild like the mountains, but different. The isolation was real, but different. Even near the airport (we lived on an airbase next to the Honolulu airport), you could feel the vastness of the ocean all around. We were just a dot in the great large dark water. 

When I would get Tierney and Caleb to sleep and Brian was there, I would slip out for a walk around the "big block." The moon was brighter and whiter there. The stars were lovely. The scent of plumeria was intoxicating. I would hurry home, sneaking up on Brian, who had a tendency to chat it up with other women online. Looking back he was so wrong, but I also could have loved more. I always had my guard up. But we could talk until the the small hours of the morning, which is something I could never do with anyone else. I do miss that. 

When Tierney, Caleb, and Taryn were young in Missouri, and they spent several weeks with their dad in the summer, I fancied myself a budding astronomer. I would get up early (because that's how I roll-always), and have a sweet mango for breakfast. I'd walk up to Missouri State some days and learn General Chemistry 2. Not a premed gal-I only got a B, it's so hard for me to get motivated, but still longing for the stars. I would come home and make a lean cuisine, Enchilada Suiza (?) I think was my favorite, topped with a handful of romaine and hot sauce. For dinner, a slab of salmon, dripping rich with sizzling fatty skin and a handful of blueberries. Then when the sun would go down, I would grab my binoculars and head out to the yard, to see the stars would show me. I had such hope for my life. 

I think if my life had themes or rather...what is that word that I am searching for? Motif? It would be morning coffee, stacks of books, fiction when I was younger, but more nonfiction later-because the internet ruined my concentration. Stargazing, but never really getting good enough to know the constellations. Always hopeful-grasping at the idea or essence of something I could never quite reach. 

Today's  my mother's birthday. I miss her, and I know she misses me, too.

I really just want to be wealthy, living in a big metropolitan city, soaking in the lights, the sounds, the life. Is that too much to ask?

I'm Fine, but Time to Whine

                                                           Photo by Sajad Nori on Unsplash

I haven't been writing much. What is there to say?

The whole of my life can be summed up by loneliness and a strong desire to be alone...except when I don't want to be alone. 

It's funny how the same things affect me year after year. What changes is how I view what is happening. Who is/is not to blame. 

As I have said before, I learned in my forties that I am often the problem. So much of my life, I was caught up in this idea that it was everyone else and I was being mistreated-I was the victim. That is not to say I am just a bad person who deserves a bad life. I just realize, I am who I am. I feel like I learned so many really important lessons late. Maybe too late. Because as I have also said, knowing may be half the battle-but...it's just half the battle. It isn't the tools, the guts, the energy to go out and fix. 

I am lonely.

I am still heartbroken over not teaching math. I know I wasn't teacher of the year. I know the kids didn't like me much. I know I had a lot of room for growth. But I was finally challenged and wanting to grow. I wanted to be successful. I miss teaching slope, and equations, and graphing so much. If I could change any decision in the past year, it would have been to just say no when the principal asked if I was willing to switch to family and consumer science. My second choice would be to just stick with family and consumer science. It would have been fine. 

I just knew I would become more of the outsider than I was. I would be pushed out of the 8th grade teacher group, that I was already just a fringe member of, and on top of that, I would be in the same hall and I would have to see them being all friendly without me. It would be a lot for my rejection sensitive soul to bear. So at first, moving back to sped made sense. I liked the sped staff. I would move downstairs and could pretend I wasn't being pushed away (or rather, just forgotten). But...then I just felt this despair and anger towards the principal because she KNEW I wanted to teach math and she just didn't want me to. She wanted my math skills teaching sped math and I HAVE ALWAYS disliked teaching sped math. Always. So here I am. 

Don't get me wrong, I like my job. I like the kids; I like being in charge of my schedule. I like not having to do some of the more stupid stuff teachers have to do. I am not a huge fan of being kicked and punched and having to restrain kids. I don't like having to try and come up with lessons ranging from Kindergarten to fifth grade. I don't like not knowing what I am supposed to do with the students with multiple disabilities who are nonverbal and hardly move. They don't really teach this stuff in college. 

I hate writing IEPs. They are so mindnumbingly dull.

My paras are great, but one is moving away after first semester, another is pregnant, and wants to stay home with the baby, and the other just wants to leave because her daughter is going to high school next year. And they are all conservative. I stay out of their political discussions, but sometimes I think they know. 

November has settled in and the darkening afternoons are depressing me. I know when Christmas kicks in, it will be a little better. I am just so danged lonely. 

I keep thinking how can I fix it? How can I fix the loneliness. Go to church? I just struggle with consistent beliefs. Especially now that the Christian Right has turned into Nazilike zombies, I am just over it. I thought Jesus was supposed to change your heart--these people are hateful. 

I could go to book club at the library. I asked a couple people about joining one last year, but I wasn't wanted. Well. I probably would have been too shy to go. They have dinner clubs for women in town. I could maybe do that. 

I hardly get out of my room at work-I can barely take a conference, but once or twice a week. I guess I could force one, but I would need to leave my room because there would be kids in there, and I feel such a sense of responsibility. It's hard to leave. I rarely talk to people at work, though they seem kind enough.

But that's the thing. Why bother? People seem eager to get to know me and then it just fades away. Time and time again. It has to be me. I am too boring. Too self-centered. Too selfish. Too paranoid. Too protective of my self. Obviously the fear is I have borderline personality disorder, but if I do, I think it is on the mild side. I think of my friend Christy in high school, who more clearly had BPD. She would swallow pills after a fight with her boyfriend and tried to run another exboyfriend off the road. I am not there. I am a little more self aware than that. But I do shut down and lock people out and some part of them wants to them to know and feel a little bit of pain for not loving me. I suppose people can pick up on that. 

I always did say the wrong thing. Or it was wrong when I said it, maybe. Anyway, it's fine. It is just the dark early evenings getting to me. Tomorrow will be better. 

There was so much more to say. Perhaps a second, happier post is in order.