Happy Easter! Random, saddish thoughts

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

Today dawned bright, cold, and fresh. If I didn't struggle with such strong social anxiety, it would be a lovely day to go to church and celebrate with others. There is an undercurrent of sadness in my heart, and I am letting it simmer. I would rather it rise and swell on a weekend than a weekday. 

 The sun was up, and my body was still tired, so I didn't get up until well after seven. If you knew how much of a morning person I have been all my life this would be astounding to you. But lately, I have been struggling with the early mornings, and I am going with it. I have also had several nights with little sleep over the past couple weeks, which severely impacts my mood and judgement, and-I am not going to lie-it's been rough. So resting up seems okay, even if the little voice inside my head whispers it's lazy. 

 There are days when one just feels so broken. I question whether I will ever be able to rise above my flaws. Everyone in my family tells me I am ADHD, and on one hand it makes sense-I never could manage to keep a neat house-as much as I always dreamed of just being a happy little homemaker. I would forget about quizzes until five minutes before class, and then have to rely on good short-term memory to get my grade. I would burn out a week or two before the end, and get a B because I just couldn't go any further. Maybe this isn't ADHD-maybe something else. I don't know. And ADHD rebellion is always under the surface-Here is what google AI (hate it) has to say, "Furthermore, a deep need for autonomy, emotional dysregulation, and a heightened sensitivity to fairness can lead them to question rules that seem arbitrary." So that's a struggle. 

 Then my current process coordinator was talking with me about upcoming ieps. I have three that need done in the next month. "Can you handle that?" he asked. And I had to wonder-what's wrong with him? With me? I can write and hold three in a day if I have to. Why can't he see that? For me, what makes is hard with this job is a) I have fewer IEPs, and I lose momentum and forget how they are to be done when I am only doing one a month, and b) I have no set plan time. I hate leaving my class, not because the paras can't handle it; They are more experienced than me, but because they really dislike when the kids act up, and I really love being with my class. What a privilege it is to be entrusted with nine beautiful souls all day. Is it easy? No. I get hit every day. I struggle with consistency-not because I want to be unfair, but because so many things I either don't see, because I am living deep in my head all the time or some things just don't bother me. On the one hand, it makes me seem patient and easy going, on the other hand, it lowers the level of structure in my room which these kids need. Ugg. My imperfections plague me. 

 The thing about my social anxiety is, I don't think I will be outright rejected. It's a quiet rejection-a withdrawing of others. People usually accept me at first. Then my negativity shows-my underlying distrust of the system and the powers-and that scares people away. They don't want to be associated with that. And I get it. I played Susie good girl when I was a physics major. Joining the clubs, chatting up the professors. Then I just---wasn't interested anymore. And went back to being Jill, hopeful and bitter-a dichotomy of confusion;o). 

 Oh well. Jill is such a dull name. I dreamed I was teaching math, and it was going well and as we transitioned from classes, which required walking and driving for some reason, another teacher would hold my hand. I reminded myself he was just being kind, but it was nice to have someone care enough to reach out and make sure I was okay as we walked through the fields to ... the next class? And the kids started talking and I started to get scared, and another teacher came in and just taught me their techniques without judging. They smiled and patted my shoulder and believed in me, and it was lovely. I don't miss Hickory. I do think there is value in student teaching and not having that experience has made my career more difficult. 

 And I realize all the damage that had been done to my developing self. The emphasis on intelligence over character, correct answers over growth. Not that character wasn't important to me. I chafed at little lies, almost to a strange spectrumy way. I hated pretending I was younger to get a discount, telling my mom's callers she wasn't home when she was-little white lies bugged me so much.  Both my parents insecurities and social anxiety became ingrained into me. Always watching for a sign that someone was slipping away or overreading faces, I get that from both of my parents. My dad's insecurities at our sports prowess-instead of encouraging us, he criticized, pushing us away from developing skills. My mom, laughing that we had her lack of artistic talent-why not look for what we were doing well. Where was that encouragement? Even my sensitive soul, my concern for others was fodder for laughs.  I realize everyone, parents included, were just doing the best they knew with what they, too, had been dealt, noone is as ADHD as my dad, and my mom likely, too. We all just bring what we have and try to improve-but noone hands us the keys to improvement. We are just trying to figure it all out on our own. Not that I am not accountable; Not that they aren't accountable. Just that...it is so hard to see outside the paradigm you are in. I realize my methods are neglectful, not that I wanted to be, it is what I was raised with and what I thought was the right way. Letting young people have space to figure out who they are, that was my method. But now, I think, kids need a bit more guidance. I am trying to work less, and be home more, as much as I feel the need to earn and provide, because kids need a parent at home. But it's hard. We also need money to pay the bills. I have learned not to rely on others emotionally so much that not being alone feels like an imposition. To have to listen and entertain others. My introversion runs deep. It blows my mind I was always in trouble for talking as a child. 

    I had an interview on Friday, I don't know how it went. I felt I answered the questions well, but I don't have any experience in the area, so if someone with a little more background interviewed, of course they would be better qualified. I have another on Tuesday, but I am not expecting to get it. I just applied on a hope, and when they called, I felt like I needed to follow through.  I like my job that I am in, but there are things about it, I don't like. Of course. Nothing is perfect. The truth is, most jobs are doable with a good attitude. Attitude is a struggle of mine. 

 If things sounds hopeless, it is just the simmering sadness. It will pass when I get dressed and put some makeup on and maybe get out of the house. I think it would be better if I didn't need to share these thoughts, but for some reason, I have to get them out. I have to know that someone is listening. It's actually quite embarrassing. Because others don't share these things, and I wonder if I am either exceptionally unstable, just more honest with myself, or just more outspoken about the instability. Tell me, are you crazy on the inside, too?:o). I smile, because I know I am accomplishing a lot. I am raising good kids. Maybe they won't finish college, but they aren't going to deeply hurt anyone and they bring a creative light of their own to the world. And maybe that is what matters. I am working. Maybe I will never have the drive to be a recognized teacher, but I love my students, and try to enrich their lives in the best way I know. My pets love me. In fact, most animals feel drawn to me, my brother's snobby dog aside, and I think that is a good thing. I completed a bachelor's and master's degree with a houseful of kids on both. And the sky is blue and I live in a fairly safe corner of the world, which millions and millions can't claim, and I feel my luck. Some people would call it a blessing, but blessing seems a little...I don't know, smug, I guess. Like it is a gift from God. Why would God bless me with safety while millions suffer? It doesn't seem right. Maybe billions are suffering, I don't know. 

 The world is a little sad right now. People are disappointing. Leaders are evil and it hurts. And we don't do anything, but wring our hands, because Americans have proven we are powerless as babies, wondering why noone will save us. We are going to have to learn the hard way. We may have to suffer as a group before we learn the lessons Europe appears to have learned. Our two party political system has divided us so effectively, we don't know how to act. But the sky is blue. Tender green leaves are sprouting and fat-breasted robins are bobbing across the lawn. And long after I am gone, beauty will remain. If not on a swirling green and blue marble, then far away in the vastness and depth of the cosmos. Beauty and peace and love will always win. Entropy, be damned.

    OH! I almost forgot. I have gotten into sourdough baking again, and it is going well. I have had one good loaf, one mediocre, and one really bad (I forgot oil and salt). My starter is thriving and it can only get better from here! I have also decided to do bag veggie gardening this year. I can't afford raised beds, and I haven't had success in just using the ground. So I bought grow bags. I am excited!

Not Feeling Mighty Queeny

This what ChatGPT thinks I should do with my library.

Anyone who has ever felt the fear that comes from not having firm control over the circumstances in one's daily life, might understand the fear I feel as the new school year approaches. While I am not opposed to change, I want self-orchestrated change. Change imposed upon me is just a shackle ripping all joy away and leaving in its place the chain of monotonous duty. And every year, as a teacher, this occurs. I thought it would be better teaching regular education, but then I ended up without any team meetings the first year, and then noone on my team having the same lunch period the second year. I am not sure I liked teaching math. I liked DOING math, but teaching it? Not so sure. The other math teachers weren't really my jam, they were such rule followers,  and I kept feeling as if I was trying to fit myself into the wrong shaped hole. 

I thought I loved my job now. Last week I said I did. But now I feel like a failure, and like choice is being ripped away, and it just makes me want to run. I don't really have any coworkers I would miss anyway. I don't have time to get to know anyone and no meetings that aren't whole staff. And the sped team aren't my type either.  At least starting over is fun. I am so over IEP paperwork. So, so over it. I. just. don't. care. But whether I can actually talk my way into a regular ed job remains to be seen. Study didn't want me. Study. I feel like such a failure. Not really, I didn't want the job really anyway. The job isn't posted, anymore, so maybe they found the right person. I was thinking about it as a stepping stone anyway. I just really want to find  a job that is interesting, lets me be creative, and doesn't turn my world upside down every year. I sort of wish I had just kept the facs job at Hickory, but Hickory was pretty cliquey, and that new principal and I just didn't dance well together last year. I don't really miss it at all. But Carver is not home. Nothing about it is homey. It's weird. Everyone SEEMS nice, but ... there is still an undercurrent of weird permeating the air. 

Really, I want to teach these: Earth Science at the high school level, or history at the middle school level (I mean high school would be lovely, but I am done taking Praxis tests, though my middle school social studies praxis score was <chef's kiss>. Family and consumer science at any level would be great. I do worry about not feeling prestigious, but frankly, I have to get over that. My whole personality screams, NOT PRESTIGIOUS anyway. I wouldn't mind doing ELA at the middle school level, but it's probably competitive. High school, too, but they can get the best at that level. And I am not the best. The ability to pass a test with a high score doesn't mean I actually would be good at it. I should have been an accountant. It's too late now. I could have become a CPA, moved to a big city, and spent lonely nights staring out the window at the skyline with my kitties. Oh well. Too late now. Sometimes I think about elementary, but...I just don't know if I can get myself that together. So much to keep straight. Which bus 23 kids are riding? Or who is getting picked up? Several tested subjects every day. Not to mention sorting out the drama. Probably not my strong point. Maybe early childhood. But again, the preparation. I want Earth science, maybe a bio course, or intro chem. Nothing too up there. I am tired, but just good general sciences. Or Facs, whatever. 

I just feel like a failure, and I would rather fail at something new that something old. I wish I had an ounce of talent. 

Meh, it's fine. I am just really, really tired.  Have a good week. I will return with renewed optimism, I am certain.;)

Getting Older

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

 Sometimes I forget about it and sometimes I really feel it. In my body, I feel it. I remind myself I need to get out and walk and get active, but it is so easy to push away with day to day responsibilities. Since I started taking a statin for my cholesterol levels in January, fatigue has been plaguing me. This means, once I come home and am ready to be home-I droop. Like a wilting flower, every bit of strength floods out and my bed calls to me. It's a problem. 

However, I have to remember that in many aspects, I control my destiny. I remember that in the past, I had a cup of coffee in the afternoon to push on through the evening. I remember that the simple act of going out and taking a few steps down the road can make a difference and perk me up. It's funny, most of my life I was so embarrassed to be seen out-gasp!-exercising. And suddenly now, I just don't care. I don't care. I don't want to exercise, don't misunderstand, but I don't care about being seen. Which is also funny, because at 52, I can be quite invisible. Not totally invisible, these older men flirt too, but invisible to the majority of the population. It's okay, though. There comes a point when you don't just say you understand that your value is well beyond being seen, you actually feel it and know it in your bones. 

Sometimes I wish I had waited to get married, gotten the nose job and the boob job, and thrown a wider net out. But truthfully, it took so many decades to start unlearning the unhealthy lessons I had absorbed. I don't know that it would have made a difference. If we could be the we we are at midlife in our youth-what a gift that would be. 

My main struggle now? 

Career wise

    Part of me still feels as if I am not a legitimate teacher if I am not a regular education teacher. Now, I believe what I do matters. I like my students, I enjoy the rhythm of my day (but goodness, I wish we started an hour earlier and got out earlier). I like that I can wear jeans every day and can teach what I want. I don't mind doing restraints. In fact, it gives me a just a hint of dopamine every now and then that I crave. Don't get me wrong, I don't LIKE doing them. I don't LIKE my lessons being disrupted. I don't like dodging kicks and teeth. But I don't dread it either. The hardest part is seeing how much my paras hate it, and feeling like I am failing them when a student needs restrained. But back to the regular education thing. Having done it for two years, I can honestly say, neither is harder than the other. Regular education has it's own set of annoyances-strict adherence to curriculum, endless discussion with other stakeholders about tests scores, breaking down individual problems. Many students aren't interested in the subject matter. Crowd control. But it also has the ability to share stories more deeply about the world, the feeling of greater respect from coworkers and a little more recognition. I am not unhappy now, but I would like the ability to jump a little deeper sometimes. 

Relationship wise

    What relationship? Truthfully, I don't think single men exist after the age of 50. Where are they? I am not interested in bars. I am too shy for church, and my belief systems don't fit neatly in the box. It would be nice to have someone to do things with and talk with. But it is hard to imagine another adult in my house who isn't my children's parent. I don't know. I think it would add more stability to the boys' lives-if I didn't feel the need to work extra, if I had another adult helping out with chores. If I had another adult to lean on when things are stressful or something goes wrong. But...again, where are these nice, relaxed, intelligent, single men? I don't think they exist. Plus I don't know how to flirt and seal the deal. I get so shy. 

Life wise

    Gardening. I just don't have a green thumb. I am going to try container gardening this year. I am using bags. I'll let you know how it goes. I want abundant, colorful, rich and ripe vegetables so badly.

The fence should be fixed soon. That storm last summer really wrecked havoc on my yard. Also I am having the front door replaced, so I am excited about that. This door just needs to go. I WANT to repaint the entire exterior, but I can't afford a professional and frankly, hanging out on a ladder painting the second level sounds crazy and dangerous. I still need to replace one of the garage doors. I need the shed cleaned out and the shed roof needs repaired. And the door of the shed. I need someone with a chainsaw to trim up the bushes and small growing trees. I REALLY would like big backyard tree cut down, but the quotes were from $5000 to 6000 and I just don't have that right now. 

I am so thankful for my new to me car, but I look at it, and it is so not me. Actually size-wise, I guess it is like the Dodge Neon I had in Hawaii in the 90s. It's just a young feeling car. I visualize myself in something more substantial. Honestly, I'd like a minivan or third row SUV. I suppose with gas prices jumping it's better I don't have to deal with that. 

The state of the world? I don't know. I don't know what to do. There is only so much one person can do. Make their own corner the best they can. What's true and what isn't? I don't know. I do know the hateful words of our elected are painful, humiliating, and so far removed from what is good in the world, it is astounding at times. The lack of empathy, the lack of care from the public, is horrifying. People who consider themselves good, just keep spewing evil, and the world is sad. But we keep on. And there is the fear that perhaps I am blind to my own stumbles, but I try to be aware. I try.

I struggle when I am scared. When I think someone is thinking ill of me, when I can't control the narrative. I am learning to breathe it in and go with it, but the urge to self-protect is strong. There are different ways to work through it. Some people have the people skills to control the narrative, but I don't. My method has always been to just shut that person out and off, until I feel safe again. That's not really the way either, though. For me, with my skill set, I have to just go with it. I have to be my own anchor without closing off or getting nasty. I am a work in progress. Like all of us. I suppose. 

I had hoped this blog would be so much more-but we are who we are. 

Happy Sunday.

February is Hearts and Hope

 

Photo by Susan Holt Simpson on Unsplash

What else could it be? I have been very tired lately. The fatigue which used to plague me appears to have returned. I am not sure if it is the weather, the statin I started taking last month, or just a need to slow down and take it easy, but I have been dozing off on the couch while watching TV, not wanting to drive Doordash, and then, oddly, struggling to fall asleep once I make it up to my room. I guess I will just ride it out a bit. Maybe I need a few weeks to take it easy. 

    My house is a mess. The urge to find a new job is strong, but I am not sure why. I like my job. I love the kids. Sure I get bored, and the late hours suck (dismissal isn't until 4, which is AWFUL), but it works well for my family. I miss being off work by 2:45. Granted, I had to get there a lot earlier, but I am definitely putting in more time now. I am usually at work at least an hour before school starts. I just can't wait to get there until 8:30 contract, that seems crazy-late. I am happy that I am not tutoring. The money was nice, but I would hate to be there an extra hour and a half. The teachers seem  really nice and not as backstabbing and catty as some other schools, but maybe I just don't know them well enough.

     Maybe I need to start taking vitamin D again. I have stopped that. I also had a rare glass of wine last night. I have mostly lost my taste for alcohol, but thought it would be nice to have a glass last night. Perhaps that is why I feel so wiped out today. I stopped taking collagen for a month and the weird horizontal ridges have appeared on my thumbs again. Guess I need to restart that, too. 

    Tomorrow I am driving the 2.5 hours to take the boys to see their dad. I don't really feel like it. It's a long drive and boring and I have to drive home after. But, his parents help me out a lot, and I know they need to see their dad. I still look forward to when they can do this alone. I don't know that he will ever get out of his current group home. I feel for him-or the him he was 10 years ago, but the medicine is taking its toll on his body. I mourn for the past, but it wasn't all the great either. The times were hard then, too. I just have a knack for forgetting. 

    I have been very lonely this fall. For years, I was happy with the way things were and then suddenly, my singleness has been weighing on me. It's weird because frankly, I don't have the energy to mask my sloppy homemaking skills and sloth for a new person. Nor do I want someone as messy as me. I want someone who is a little more together, but doesn't mind my not being together. In a world that demands women be together, that seems unlikely. It's fine. It's probably just the cold weather. 

    So my life is the same old same old. Politics are exhausing, the world is sad, we are all hypocrites and I had to switch from generic zepbound to generic ozempic, and it doesn't work as well. So food noise is here, and I think about nachos a lot. Valentine boxes of candy are weighing on my mind as well

    Lately I am astounded by how smart and creative people around me are in their own way. The value of the adults I know extends beyond their beliefs, their education. They are just so capable is ways I cannot seem to manage. We are all so different and so worthy. 

    I wish I could put in a new tub and shower and bathroom vanities. I wish I could take the kids to England and Scotland and even New England. I was talking to someone about it, and they suggested and Alaskan cruise. I always wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise, but I really feel the need to visit Great Britain. I don't know why. Probably Netflix shows.

Is it naptime yet? I feel guilty for not working more.

It's Gotta Be the Weather, Right?

 Oh, grey day of my soul! Seriously, the world is dark and heavy. I don't mean in that in a "Oh, look at what the powers are doing now!" Not that that shouldn't be looked at-but this is a personal gloom I have entered in. It's been here a week or two and now it is heavy. First of all, I wrecked my car. I wrecked my car at a time when I have no personal savings. I wrecked my car that I am using to supplement my very needed income. 

I have not gotten an online job in a year and a half and it HURTS. First of all, the money, obviously. Secondly, I had been teaching math in my online classes, and I LOVED it. Third of all, it's just such a great and different way to interact with kids and their families. I am grieving it beyond the loss of income. It made me happy. So anyway, that is out of my hands, but I had grown dependent on the extra income. And they cut summer school back to one month rather than two a couple of years ago. Another knock to my single parent income. So delivering food had been my lifeline. Our, we can still be somewhat middle class, and make my kids lives fun and good, lifeline. And boom. Just like the embankment I drove down and up, I have slammed quite literally into a cement wall (okay, driveway ) and am without a way to earn extra income. 

I am going to be okay, I can juggle, I have some people, and worse case scenario, I can make some choices and do some stuff. Now, though. I am stuck in my house on a cold, cloudy day in January, and I don't know what to do with all this time. Gabe and Alec are napping, Liam is quiet in his room, and loneliness is seriously heavy today. It's kind of weird. I am such an introvert-this should be my dream day, and yet, I sit here feeling like I should be out making money and seeing people in the world. It's gross. I am having flashbacks to the first summer after my ex left (necessary and right for the situation), when I when I would get home from summer school, work on a project and just...be so lonely. I ache for younger kids, and I ache for my grown kids. Two teen boys and a on-the-cusp of nine year old boy aren't the best company for my feminine self. I know Tierney has plans tonight, or I would BEG her to come over. Taryn usually has lots to do, and frankly, I feel like I make her a little uncomfortable. She too is quite introverted, and we are an odd lot, the introverts. Besides, I don't want to ask someone to let me bring them down with me. I just ... will be happy when the sun comes out again. 

So I remind myself that these hard times are necessary. Necessary is a strong word-loaded with implications and beliefs which may or many not be true. Perhaps unavoidable is a better word. I guess knowing myself, I have always chosen necessary because I have bought into the idea that there is something more to life-some meaning, which requires our growth and change. So necessary is the idea that we have to weather the bad to stretch ourselves to become more. But on a grey day, it feels just a little unavoidable. Just bad luck that happened, and there is not choice but to deal with it. 

I should pick up a book. Of course, now that I don't have a car, I long to go to the library. Ha! I am pretty sure there is a stack of books for my class I need to pick up. Lots of snow and wintery stories for January. 

I should try and get my printer working and work on printing things for my class. 

Part of me wants to try and get a regular education job again. I like how challenging it is, and I like feeling like I am actually an important player in the school. The pride is strong in me. But, I also like what I do now. I like the kids, and the rhythm, and the freedom, and not having young people mutter things at me, and feeling like a complete failure. I like being left alone by admin.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel amazing, and I feel like I have a lot of learning and growth to do, but a good part of my job is patience and love, which comes easily to me with these kids. It's just very different. Also, when things aren't right, changing jobs is just a great way to throw everything up and let it all fall. What I mean is, it just shakes everything up and opens up new possibilities and opportunities, and experiences. It makes everything exciting again. 

I think I need to do more. I have been thinking about going to church again. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat it-my faith is not what it used to be. When I was young, people always commented on how strong my faith was, but it isn't now. I am full of doubts and questions. But what I long for is a group of people who believe there is good and believe they can be the good and who do something about it. I want to be a part of something. So please don't invite me to your conservative bible thumping church-I am happy you have a place to belong, but I don't belong there. But I think there is a place for me. I just need to put on my big girl panties and get myself out there. You know, once I have a car.

I am starting to feel a little better. First of all, my curtains are closed and I am in lamplight. It is making my bedroom feel creamy and warm and cozy. 

Maybe I will go watch a show. I tried earlier, but ended up just taking a nap. I am excited to go back to work on Monday. When I do have a car again, I might try and get a parttime job at a library. I think I would enjoy it, and I think I need more time with adults. On the other hand, maybe focusing a little more time at home with my boys is what I need. This mood will pass, right? It probably is just the weather. 

Christmas Day

 

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

Guys! It's been hard this year. I am not sure what is going on. I am not sure if it is the uncharacteristically warm weather, or the fact that I didn't do the proper Christmas lead-up rituals (I never did get around to watching the musical Scrooge movie, It's a Wonderful Life, any Meg Ryan rom-coms, or even a Little House on the Prairie Christmas episode. It just didn't happen for me this year. 

    Alec is playing along, wink wink grin, about Santa, but I know he knows and now I have no more little children. And it's okay. It's just life, but melancholy is seeping into my bones today. I miss my mother immensely. When this feeling would hit in the past, I would go to her house Christmas night, a brother or two would come over and we would play games and get a little tipsy. That home has been gone for 13 years now and I am just making the best of it. My own grown girls have other people to see and Christmases to hold, and it should be that way. But here I sit with three big boys. 

    Honestly, I think the problem is we went to visit the kids dad and grandparents today. For years, this was typical Christmas day travel, a drive, a meal, present opening, a walk, a drive home. I had another adult with me. Having not been with Karl since 2021, that romantic link is gone, but there was still an underlying friendship and comfort which is just slipping away now. Everything is different. Last December, the kids' grandpa had a stroke, and though he was home for Christmas, he was very weak and things were much-changed. Over this past year, we have been driving out to see them at their house or meeting them halfway at an arcade for a couple hours. Initially there was talk of when he would feel strong enough to come to Springfield, and it seemed as if he was getting better. But now, I think, this isn't going to happen. I think so many lasts have already occurred for the kids relationship with their grandparents and they do not know it. So I was the cheerful ex-daughter-in-law, happily going along, walking with the kids outside, because the grandparents seemed too tired. His grandpa did manage to pull himself up the few steps to the deck and sit with us a bit. He did not walk to the car to wave us goodbye as usual. 

    Karl is weaker each time I see him. He is five years younger than me, but his body is weak and he moves as if he were 15 years older. He has tremors from his medicine and he is need of good dental care. It is painful to see. He did get me some thoughtful presents from the market in his small town, the only shopping he really has. I really need to work on teaching Liam to drive. At some point, Karl's parents will be gone and the boys will need to go visit their dad. I don't know if I can be that link forever. I don't know. It's hard.

    And it hit me today, each visit could be a last. Of course, that is always a possibility, but now it is becoming a likelihood. This could be the last Christmas meal Maria cooks for us. This could be the last cash-filled envelope they hand the kids. They have already stopped purchasing the little toys and thoughtful gifts. The kids no longer play on the floor of the sunroom with a new toy; their grandparents no longer put up a Christmas tree. I may never sit on the sun-drenched deck while the boys run among the trees, placating their father who is desperately trying to maintain a relationship with them.

    It just feels a little sad. 

    However! All is not lost. The new episodes of Stranger Things are coming out tonight and Gabe and Alec and I have plans! And next week, Tierney and Jake and her kids are coming over to watch the final episode and I am so looking forward to that. I need to plan more game nights, too. There was a streak when they just weren,t working out, and I stopped planning them. But I need to start again. It's worth the effort. 

Merry Christmas! Maybe I will watch the shows this weekend, and refill my spirit:o)

How I feel:

How I want to feel:

A Week Off-Long Awaited

   

Photo by David Stamm on Unsplash

  We have been informed that next year, we will only have the typical Wed/Thursday/Friday break for Thanksgiving, but for this year, we have the whole week. And it is delightful. The weather is quite Novembery today-damp, grey, cool, but not cold. This is Southern Missouri, you know. I awoke quite early, around four, and delivered food for a few hours. After that, I came home and was suddenly very tired. I think the food delivery all weekend finally caught up with me. And now, I am slowly working on straightening the library for Thanksgiving. It's pretty straight, floor swept, but with three boys in the house nothing lasts for too long. I have been sitting near the faux fireplace heater when I am too cool and then away when I am too warm. It's never just right, is it?

    My thoughts have been peaceful-a discovery of self. Or a rediscovery. At times when I am too stressed, I feel fragile, flippery (is that a word?-I feel it), outside the world and odd. When I am relaxed, I feel fine. I know I need to build relationships, but I am okay as it is. Sometimes, driving around, delivering food alone, I come to all the conclusions, and I understand it all, but it slips away before I can share. I think it all boils down to not learning healthy boundaries, not being safe talking about feelings growing up, and not being taught how to deal appropriately with strong feelings. 

    As a parent, I wanted to do so much better, but I know I didn't talk about feelings enough either. I sort of thought maybe if we all just kept our chin up, it would all work out. 

    Eh, well. It's a process, I suppose. I think the real strength is not in unbridled optimism, but in the knowledge that even if it doesn't work out like we planned-we will get through it. 

    Anyway, there's much more to the journey, but it doesn't all need to be shared. Sometimes I wish I had learned so many lessons so many years ago, and perhaps that is what a good therapist can help someone do, but you know me. I'd rather take the long way and buy something fun with my money. 

    Work is fine. It isn't easy, but it is fine. Sometimes it is boring, but let's be honest. Everything is boring sometimes. Sometimes I thought about teaching math and new classes coming in and out all day and I wondered if I was up for that the rest of my life. I knew I wasn't feeling it for cross-cat. At least in my room, I get to make my schedule, teach a wide variety, and do things my way. As it is, I am slowly adding more. I know I could do much better and much more, but my brain will lock everything out, refuse to do something new until, somehow, it loosens, and clarity and understanding wash over me, and I can see and add something new. I simply cannot force myself to learn/change until that chemical wash floods my brain. I really can't describe it. Does anyone else feel this?

    I really long for a warm, cozy, fisherman sweater, tweedy, menswear-inspired wardrobe this fall. I am not buying clothes this fall, but it is what I want. 

    My backyard fence needs repaired. I am waiting someone to volunteer-name their price. It is hard always asking for help. No, not hard. Just discouraging when noone wants to help. 

    I am eager to travel somewhere. But, bills first. I haven't really been entertaining the idea of travel, because I want to pay down my debts. Then I can focus on the fun. For now, so much else exists to derive pleasure from. The rushing warmth of morning coffee. The joy of a payment hitting my account. A meal the kids enjoy. A good YouTube video, and snuggling into bed at night. All of these bring their own magic to an ordinary day.

    I do want to shop. I want to find the perfect item which holds the essence of the feeling of .... something...I crave. Some lifestyle, some dream. Something magical that puts the pieces together and ties a bow on the top. 

    I really must visit a cozy New England lighthouse on a stormy, blustery day soon. I think that is a reasonable thing to expect. Cozy candles in lighted windows, and white curtained paned windows promising warmth and companionship. This is what I need.